Confessions of the Sorrowful and Contrite Heart

I must confess that my exhaustion led me to not attending Ash Wednesday for the first time in over seven or eight years--since TJ and I started dating. I will, however, attend more of the Parish Mission where the Fathers of Mercy are giving talks and Masses and Confessions.

Confession has always been a hangup... this earliest form of unburdening oneself psychologically is now almost taboo in our society. If you are a professed Catholic, and say to people that you've actually gone to Confession, they look at you as if you're loony. Pooh on them. But I need to go; my heart is sore. And Father David and Father Ben of the aforementioned Order are doing Masses, talks and Confessions twice a day during this week. I think I'll go Tuesday.

This past weekend was our usual First Sunday of the Month meeting for the SFO. I missed last session, as it had been that weekend that Dad said that the doctor has determined that Mom's on the short and final... more about that in a minute. So I was a little befuddled and unprepared. I will tell you that the SFO is a wonderful resource. I love my Franciscan brothers and sisters, even if I am confused and in pain.

Now that we are pushing towards the last part of Inquiry soon, June or so, interviews for Candidacy will be taking place next month. My brain is locked, and I have no idea what to expect. Research does nothing. I need to clear my brain. I do know that it's not what I say in the interview... it is what I *do* that matters. I need to read and remove myself from all my cares, immerse myself in the Franciscan spirit. It's healing.

Reading that last, I know I've veered a little. I know where I need to go, I know that I want the SFO--need it, need the Community, need the structure, want and need the gentle guidance for the life change. But when I watch my mother continue to slide, continue to deny the truth of her oncoming death, watch it ravage my father... it's no wonder that my mind isn't where it should be. This is why I haven't posted in so long. I'm not as focused as I need to be.

In the next couple of weeks I will reflect here and venture on who/what/when/where/why of the SFO in mental preparation of the interviews next month.

I also pray fervently that Mama finds the necessary grace in the weeks to come. Her bitterness and anger is so hard to bear...

All praise be yours, my Lord,
for our Sister Physical Death
from whose embrace no mortal can escape.
Woe to those who die in mortal sin!
Happy are those she finds doing your most holy will!
The second death can do no harm to them.

-St Francis