An Open Letter To Tom Brady

Thomas E. Brady, Jr.
New England Patriots
One Patriot Place
Foxborough, MA

Dear Tom:

Heya there, how you been? Things are finally cooling down here in this God-forsaken desert--60s in the morning, mid-90s in the afternoon. It's really like the North Pole... but it's a relative comparison when I remember that you're on the East Coast. You would probably wither and die out here.

Writing this, it reminds me: I need to call your Aunt Tinker. We still need to have tea. She's great, isn't she? She's the cousin, other than her and my mutual cousin Melinda (on our fathers' side), that I'm closest to. She was so proud of you that she actually said, "You remember Phil, my ex-husband...?" Well, they always say you're three degrees from someone famous, and for me, that makes two. How cool is that?

(As an aside, I like to tell people "Tom Brady's my cousin... by marriage... And no, I've never met him, why do you ask?" But hey, who's really counting? I'm sure you can appreciate my attempts, weak as they are... but nobody can say I'm lying! heh)

Anyway, as to the reason I'm interrupting your preparations...

Much hot air has been given to the game this weekend. I try not to read anything, listen to the radio, or watch any television, because holy cow they were wrong about the Cowboys on Monday, weren't they? I think only ESPN warned that it could be a trap game, and I really appreciated their honesty. As devout as a fan I am, I was disheartened by the end of the third quarter and stopped watching. I had to go to Fark later that evening to find that oh my blessed Lord they won, they won, they pulled it out of thin air, and I about fainted. But hey, that's classic Cowboys football, and you can hardly fault Tony for channeling Roger Staubach--quite the trick, eh? Brilliant (I'm amazed that he can have 5 INTS and still manage 300+ yards passing... just.. WOW). I just hope he doesn't get into the habit. I don't think I could take it.

Now listen, I have a favor to ask: do you think you can hold off on the massacre on my 'Boys this weekend? You can go on a rampage on the other teams for the rest of the season, and even in the Super Bowl... but ya think your considerable talents can take a vacation for about two hours on Sunday? I'm really enjoying the delusion that the 'Boys can go undefeated all through the season. So would you mind terribly?

Believe me, Tom, it's not a lack of faith in the talent on my team. However, they are young and untested, although Tony is proving he can pull a win out of his ass (almost literally), and the rookie, Nick, has shown he's already a veteran and has the cojones to win. Well, hell, the team has shown they can hold it together despite their QB fouling up beyond comprehension. And, you know, I have a bit of admiration for the coach, too--he's done a phenomenal job, including getting Bigmouth to shut the hell up.

So, Tom, thanks in advance for the favor. Peace!

With love
from your Cousin