Clara Claris Praeclara

2008-02-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Be Well, Do Good Work, and Keep in Touch

I found this quote by Garrison Keillor that I have found in response to my decision to drop this blog for awhile. Circumstances have been altered greatly and I don't feel that I can write in the spirit of this venue while I'm in the life situation I'm in.

For those who have commented, for those who have emailed me over the course of time, thank you for your time, consideration, input and inspiration. There are several of you who have unknowingly kept my feet on the right path as I've wandered off, and you have my perpetual gratitude.

For my lurkers, and I know you're out there, thanks for your silent support and reflection and even the occasional prayers. You are equally in my prayers.

LIFE is to live
and life is to give
and talents are to use
for good if you choose.
Do not pray for easy lives.
Pray to be stronger.
Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers.
Pray for powers equal to your tasks.
then the doing of your work shall be no miracle
but you shall be a miracle.
Every day you shall wonder at yourself.
at the richness of life
which has come to you by the grace of God.
But everyone needs someone.
knowing that somewhere someone is thinking of you.

--Fr. Solanus Casey, OFM Cap.

I wish all of you peace.

2008-01-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

STATEMENT OF THE DIOCESE OF PHOENIX
Re: The Praise and Worship Center
January 3, 2008

The Praise and Worship Services being led by Dale Fushek, a priest of the Diocese of Phoenix on administrative leave, and Mark Dippre, a priest who left public ministry to enter into a civil marriage and a priest not in good standing, are not endorsed by the Catholic Church. Both of these men have been ordained Catholic priests and ministered in the Diocese of Phoenix. Their actions are not in union with the Catholic Church and may potentially mislead well intentioned Catholics and other members of the Christian faithful. It is important for the faithful to know that both priests are acting contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church and remain disobedient to directives of the Bishop of Phoenix to whom they pledged obedience and respect when they were ordained to the priesthood.

The Diocese of Phoenix wishes to express its grave concern for Catholics who may be misled or confused by the actions of Dale Fushek and Mark Dippre. Therefore, the Diocese of Phoenix does not endorse the actions of these priests and we encourage Catholics to refrain from attending or supporting the Praise and Worship Center. We remind Catholics that the ultimate form of praise and worship is and always will be the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and we urge them to keep the Mass as the center of their lives. There is no substitution for the graces received at Mass and no prayer more edifying.

Thoughts?

Seems crystal clear to me... but local folks under Fushek's spell do not seem to get it.

Back later. Homework time.

2008-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Keeping Focused

I didn't think my candidate interview earlier in December went very well (part of the same funk as described a couple of posts ago). In the last six months, I have felt stretched to the limit, ineffectual, and not really with it. For my interview I felt frazzled and unprepared, and apparently Deacon Phil (on the council) had made note of it. Right after, he had emailed me to say he wanted to talk to me, and I was thinking, Oh my God, I'm dead, I'm screwed. Then the holidays came--he was at my open house party, with no place/time to talk--and it got set aside. Then he emailed me again just before the new year, insisting we meet before the next fraternity meeting... and that dread that somehow I had @$%&%*& up stalked me again. Loving Phil to death, knowing he doesn't bite, and trusting him, I took him up on his invitation... all the while bracing myself for the worst.

We met this afternoon when I got off of work, sitting in the garden adjacent to the Perpetual Adoration chapel, a beautiful and peaceful place. Instead of "well, you have been found wanting and, well, see ya..." Phil referred to his notebook and wanted to discuss things that concerned him. Knowing I could trust him, I told him what was on my heart, why I was so scattered, and it was a balm. I was sure I was losing my mind until I talked to him today.

He helped me focus on what is really on my plate at this time:

Marriage
Work
School
Dad
Franciscans

Nothing is more important to me than TJ and the life we have built together. Our marriage is my rock, the center of my world, especially as I know so well how blessed I am to have him. We have something so very rare in our age group that I will allow nothing to interfere with Us. God binds us together, nothing will be allowed to tear us asunder, period. Phil, who admires TJ, and who admires our marriage, was impressed with my line of reasoning and my feelings on the matter. I said something to the effect of, "If I can't take care of and nourish my marriage, then I can't take care of anything else... everything else falls apart."

Work is work. It's a necessity... and it's a blessing in a world where jobs aren't exactly falling from trees. I'm blessed that my boss is a devout Catholic and that he encourages me to go to Mass during the week. Boss is also a reasonable and fair man, and he and I pull tandem very well. This is not a chore, really, but it is something I need to do well and, in the legal realm, requires brain draining and time. Like I told Phil, it's an hour's drive to work, I get there at eight or eight-thirty so that I get out at a decent time. Sometimes I can hold to the three-quarter time schedule, and sometimes twelve hour days are necessary--I never know. It can be mellow--and it is, most days; but when the proverbial poop hits the fan, it gets very bad. This is life.

School is another necessity; I must get my paralegal cert so I can make enough money to take the pressure off of TJ as the main income. It's not hard--school is very easy for me, always has been--but it's a lot of work. It drains me, it's tiring, it's expensive (even for a junior college), and it's time consuming... but it won't last forever. This will pass.

Dad - he is a priority since my mother's death nearly two years ago. He'll be 79 in March, and he is doing pretty well, all things considering. He doesn't need a babysitter, though my sibs disagree (but they like calling shots from out of state anyway). He needs me as a sounding board, a confidante, as the child closest to my mother and his late lamented wife. #2 brother takes care of the house stuff; I take care of Dad's mental and physical health. He'll ask me to go with him for his doctor's visits just so he has a second pair of ears and doesn't miss anything. Or, in Dad's own words, "You come by, there's always lunch on me."

And, the Franciscans. As Phil said, there's six months to go. Where am I going? What do I want? I told Phil about the rocks being flung at my head by my mentor (I'm sorry for the misunderstanding--it was not the council doing that in my prior post, it was my mentor/sponsor). I expressed my great concern about this situation and the fact that my mentor/sponsor doesn't even seem to want to get to know me. The road to profession runs through that person, no matter what Phil or anyone else on the Council thinks, no matter how close to Phil I may be.

It was a relief to unburden my concerns and thoughts, but all the while, one question nagged at me: why hasn't my sponsor/mentor asked about this? Why does it seem like he doesn't really care. We have to talk.

As Phil and I went to our cars (parked together), he said something that really warmed my heart. He said that I'm on fire, a "passionate woman," passionate about the SFO and the Holy Mother Church... and his greatest concern was that with me going in so many directions that he's afraid the fire will go out.

That's one of the nicest things I've had said to me in a very long time. I'll remember that when I'm trying to balance everything.

2007-12-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

Jesus Called: He Wants His Religion Back.

I get to the office this morning and there's a message from my boss: he's going horseback riding and he'll be in sometime after noon. I was irritated; I wanted to have breakfast with my sister before she heads back to California, and I should otherwise be in bed with this hellacious cold... but nooooo...

~~

I was startled to read in Monday's Repulsive that Father Dale Fushek is once more feeding his ego. He has been forbidden to hold any services or do any kind of ministry in light of the allegations and his administrative suspension. The first glaring error in the article is that Fushek is not a "former priest"; he is still a priest at the present time, and one in deep trouble at that. The phone lines to Rome must be burning up.

From the article: "He said he's a preacher and he wants to preach." To me, that translates into "I'm in it for me, and I'll do what I want." BZZZZZZT, wrong answer! This is the same guy who went in with a former priest--Mark Dippre, former pastor of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, who dumped the priesthood and married the woman he'd been boinking for awhile--and did another similar service before Thanksgiving.

The fact that he takes his vows and vocation so lightly is sad. What happened to obedience? What about humility? From a forum I read, "Secular priests are bound by an implicit vow of chastity that results from taking orders. Their obligation to obey the bishop does not come from a vow, but from Canon Law." I'm thinking that Fushek wasn't paying attention and took a vow of disobedience. He's certainly ignored any direction from Bishop Olmsted and Msgr. Adamson. I also believe he's mistaken the terms career and vocation. You don't "quit" the priesthood and do a career change. It's not corporate America.

It's strange--once he was beyond the protection of Bp. O'Brien, his star fell fast.

Fr. Mike Manning, SVD, on one of his Q&A pages, stated: "A priest's obedience to a bishop's difficult order catches our attention when we find ourselves enmeshed in an overly selfish understanding of freedom. The prophetic call of the priesthood speaks of an ideal. It is an attempt to imitate Christ in a radical way." Fushek was and is not living up to this ideal, even if you ignore the legal woes he has.

I'm not one to say this often, but Fushek is listening to the devil these days, thinking he doesn't need to obey, doesn't need to look within himself and see the flaws, causes and effects of his actions, and he's obviously listening to his ego, rather than remember the promises he made to God in shepherding His flock.

I was going to continue the commentary with anecdotes and opinions, but in the end I know I shouldn't--I'll just pray that he sees the errors of his ways and humbles himself before God and asks his forgiveness for making a sham out of his vows.

One last thought, though, from the end of the article: " 'If I have to leave the church for him, I'll do it' Gergosian said."

Wow. Just.... wow. Cult of personality, anyone? You're following the wrong man, sir. The one you should be following is the Man on the Cross.

~~

This leads me to something that has bothered me for awhile. In candidates' formation recently, one of the formation directors (we have it co-chaired) keeps harping on the decisions made by Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, both before and after his election to the papacy. One he doesn't like at all was the declaration of the primacy of Catholicism. Well, duh--even if you're not a theologian, of course we believe that we are the One True Faith. Why else would we be here? Besides, he's made a statement on a matter of faith; shush.

And I know Franciscanism embraces ecumenism, which is great and fine--I'm good with that, and have always lived my life thusly; in fact, I'm fascinated by the rites and rituals of other religions. However, I have found in my two and a half years here that we Franciscans are extremely tolerant of any other religion on earth, but there's a thread of distrust and dislike for a certain section of the Catholic community, if some don't just outright despise them.

In fact, this past spring, I was to cover a subtopic of Catch Me a Rainbow Too that was titled, "Fundamentalism". The entire section was a backhanded slap in the face against anyone who observes or even likes the Tridentine Rite, and I was going to gently call the writer on it and encourage dialogue within the group. I personally find this stance highly hypocritical of the SFO--we embrace those with conflicting beliefs but shun those within our own fold? My presentation on that section, however, got hijacked by the then-director, who proceeded to go off on anything and anyone who even liked the Mass and anything that came to pass prior to Vatican II. I was shocked at the vitriol and vehemence (an attitude mirrored by the aforementioned current co-chair). I was disillusioned and sad, and my talk got derailed so badly that I saw no point in trying further.

From this incident nearly ten months ago, a burgeoning depressive funk has been born on my part where it came to the SFO, compounded by various other things within the functions and activities of my individual fraternity. I was momentarily uplifted by the retreat, but more and more I have felt that because I lean towards the traditional end of the spectrum that I may not fit into the scope and mission of the SFO, because of it's liberal, and sometimes mind-blowing outright disobedient, leanings within the Church.

I have been told twice, in two separate meetings, that if I do not "conform" to certain things, that if I don't pattern myself on other candidates' path, that I will "not be recommended to move forward." I find the use of pressure re: conformity odd in light of the fact that Francesco Bernadone was the greatest non-conformist in the Church, yet he succeeded in weaving his new way of thought within the fabric of the Catholic faith, remaining obedient, and getting the message across that Catholicism is not a passive religion--something that needs to be preached today as it was 800 years ago.

There's a few problems with these rocks being flung at my head: most of the people in fraternity are old enough to be my parents, and in some cases, grandparents; I am the youngest by at least five years; I am at a totally different place in my life than the fellow candidates I'm being prodded into "conformity"; and I will not be goaded into being disobedient and/or flouting the Church's stances--don't get my wrong, I'm not a blind follower by any means (God gave us brains, after all), but even Francis on his deathbed exhorted his flock to be true to the Roman Church, and that is what I intend to do.

From Testament of the Holy Father St Francis:

...After that the Lord gave me, and gives me, so much faith in priests who live according to the form of the holy Roman Church...

...And we ought to honor and venerate all theologians and those who minister to us the most holy Divine Words as those who minister to us spirit and life... (et tu, Ratzinger?)

...And I caused it to be written in few words and simply, and the Lord Pope confirmed it for me...

...I, little Brother Francis, make for you, my blessed brothers, in order that we may observe in a more Catholic way the Rule which we have promised to the Lord...

From St. Bonaventure’s Major Life of St. Francis:

...He spoke of patience and poverty and of being faithful to the Holy Roman Church, giving precedence to the Holy Gospels before all else... (emphasis mine)

Skepticism, indifference, sadness, pressure, grief, apathy, feelings of exile and exclusion... I'm torn between composing a resignation letter to my minister and sticking it out to be a voice of reason in a mad world.

I don't know what to do.

2007-12-25T10:07:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2007

May the flawless joy of the Infant Jesus light your hearts.

Wishing you peace and joy.

2007-12-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

The Best "Fw:Fwd:Fw:" in a Loooong Time

In my email today, I got one of those chain emails that you're supposed to send to everyone. I loved the pics of the metal Crucifixion art in Amarillo... I don't have time to repost the pics, but I can cut and past what was at the end.

The Greatest Man in History:

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

He had no army, yet kings feared Him..

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

2007-11-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

What Makes It All Worthwhile

The meeting went phenomenally well. It was easy, seamless, and jovial--certainly not the stress-fest we thought it would be. The Candidates' presentation--both first and second year--was a joy and was something that got everyone in a groove. Our regional minister and our regional spiritual director were in attendance for the pastoral and spiritual visit, and I had met our minister before a couple of times, and I'd remembered where I saw Br. D before: the regional day of recollection at San Xavier del Bac back in May, 2006--he was our tour guide.

Yesterday evening, we all received the most beautiful email from our minister. She and her husband are the original torch bearers of the dream, and have rallied around them several top-notch people that have made the dream so close to reality. The email is so beautifully and prayerfully written that I think it's worth sharing. This is what she wrote:

Subject: Graces

You are a grace.

We have received many blessings and many of God's graces these past six-seven years as we have been growing our Franciscan community. I hope each one of you know that God put us together for many purposes - it is not, nor was it, by chance. You have been chosen.

The ongoing formation presentation was a testament to the power of sharing with one another, being vulnerable, letting go, and building up the Body of Christ. What joyfulness you brought to today's meeting and to the fraternity throughout its journey in becoming an established fraternity. God has given us you! You are a grace.

For the Council members and Commission and Committee chairs and members who unceasingly serve others, including one another and our fraternity and beyond, you, too, are graces.

Our fraternal and pastoral visit was another grace given freely today. Each of you helped to make our forming community into an emerging fraternity. Thank you for sharing the graces that God has given you with Saint Clare Emerging Fraternity so it can continue to grow in many ways and into an established fraternity. Special thanks to P__ B____ who patiently and skillfully took our reports and data and assembled them into a tidy and detailed notebook that is easy to follow and as R__ stated, sets the standard for all other fraternities regarding business affairs.

It appears that the Region at its February 2008 meeting will include on its agenda a recommendation to approve Saint Clare for establishment of a full fraternity. Your work you have done, through praying, persevering, letting go, willingness to share your talents, offering your skills, laughing, crying, all for the glory of God is a grace! We are called to serve as Franciscans. Thank you for embracing our commitment to serve. Celebrate!

Peace and joy.

I have had many struggles in the last couple of years, especially in the last year or so. Some of them have come directly from the politics inherent in any organization; some of them are just the Dark One working his mischief. I have a long way to go; however, I would never have gone as far as I have without our Minister, her husband (who is our co-formation director as of the last election), my current sponsor (the other co-director), and the incredible circle of women who comprise the current crop of Candidates, both first and second year.

After this moving weekend, I am re-energized and ready to tackle my several more months of candidacy. There is no doubt in my mind after this weekend that I am where I am supposed to be.

2007-11-01T08:37:00.001-07:00

Musings and Other Stuff

The Emerging Fraternity is getting it's Pastoral Visit this weekend. We are praying that we get the approval to become a full-fledged fraternity. I was going to say "hope against hope" instead of prayer because it is rare, if not unheard of, that an E. F. becomes a full-fledged fraternity after the first pastoral visit, not because I don't think we're not prepared or ready to become one. In fact, I think we're unusually prepared and ahead of the game, and are blessed with some phenomenal people to make the E.F. as strong as it is. But from all accounts for an E.F. to become a full fraternity at the first pastoral visit is pretty much unheard of. But we can certainly all pray for it!

It has been wacky and weird and very busy. The weirdest is the most recent--reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago. Right now it's a lot of "OMG LOL What have you been doing all these years!!eleventyone!!1!1!!1!" If he gets into that breakup from when we were pretty much kids, I'm going to say "B, this was 15 years ago, I'm so past it!" It remains to be seen if I have a friend on the other end of the line. :)

The semester is racing to its close and I have an impossible paper for one class that has nothing to do with the content of the class--it actually has to do more with a class that is being offered next semester by another instructor. Research papers do not scare me; I can write them in my sleep. But the content the instructor wants is unfamiliar to me and I'm skeptical that I can write something I know next to nothing about. I have pulled magic out of my butt before, soo....

It is the Feast of All Saints, which marks November. November means the beginning of the holiday season, which is something I have mixed feelings about. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do, and I suspect the back of my mind is made up: I'm thinking of making the executive decision to decline any events for my side of the family. After last year's fiasco, and other crap in the interim, I'm pretty much done. It's going to hurt Dad, but I'll talk with him first before I make any firm decision.

2007-10-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Stuff and Nonsense

1) Um, yeah. About that last post. Thanks a lot, Tom. See my butt? Kiss it, baby. Kiss it publicly. To be fair, the 'Boys have a long way to go... but damn, Tom...

2) We (fraternity) went on retreat a couple of weeks ago--won't say where, won't say who was the retreat master--and let's just say it blew chunks. I can read from articles. I can read from 10 year old notes. I can create a retreat that manages time better than that. I can create a retreat that is more profound and less droll. And that's sad, considering that I don't know squat about giving retreats.

Oooo, wasted time, let me get started. The first night? Sign in at 5:00, a mediocre dinner at 6:30, and the first talk started at 8:30. How long did the talk go? 10 minutes. 10 freaking minutes, then "Good night." Eh?

Second day: I skipped breakfast and enjoyed my time with TJ, but it was at 7. The first talk was at 9:30, and lasted 20 minutes; hour break. Second talk? 25 minutes, followed by and hour break, then lunch, then another hour and a half before the next talk. Of course, we used some of this time for our fraternity meeting, which was more poor time management, but that's the bane of any club or organization. Anyway--we had almost four hours of downtime. The worst part? The 25 minute talk in the afternoon was flat-out hawking the books. When it was announced that the evening session would be book signing, I fled... and I wasn't the only one. I returned on Sunday morning around 9 for the morning talk... nobody stayed past it although there was Mass and then lunch provided.

Don't get me wrong--there were some gems in the rough, but they were buried deeply. I'm glad we candidates only have to give a 20 minute talk for the next meeting. I'll post a little later on some tidbits.

I don't appreciate the weekend being used for the retreat master's book hawking and signing. I don't appreciate having not only everyone's time wasted, but the money that we attendees and the Fraternity shelled out to attend it. It was expensive, and I don't think we got our money's worth.

3) Work is good but frustrating, school the same, and my knee is better every day. I didn't tear the ligament again, but I sprained it good.

4) Sibs are in crisis mode. I'm ignoring them.

5) Pray for some friends of mine who have left the traditionalist (CMRI!!) sect and come home to the fold. Christ in His mercy and wisdom has opened their eyes. The wife's family is hard-core traditionalists and the road ahead is going to be rough.

Peace! More later.

2007-10-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter To Tom Brady

Thomas E. Brady, Jr.
New England Patriots
One Patriot Place
Foxborough, MA

Dear Tom:

Heya there, how you been? Things are finally cooling down here in this God-forsaken desert--60s in the morning, mid-90s in the afternoon. It's really like the North Pole... but it's a relative comparison when I remember that you're on the East Coast. You would probably wither and die out here.

Writing this, it reminds me: I need to call your Aunt Tinker. We still need to have tea. She's great, isn't she? She's the cousin, other than her and my mutual cousin Melinda (on our fathers' side), that I'm closest to. She was so proud of you that she actually said, "You remember Phil, my ex-husband...?" Well, they always say you're three degrees from someone famous, and for me, that makes two. How cool is that?

(As an aside, I like to tell people "Tom Brady's my cousin... by marriage... And no, I've never met him, why do you ask?" But hey, who's really counting? I'm sure you can appreciate my attempts, weak as they are... but nobody can say I'm lying! heh)

Anyway, as to the reason I'm interrupting your preparations...

Much hot air has been given to the game this weekend. I try not to read anything, listen to the radio, or watch any television, because holy cow they were wrong about the Cowboys on Monday, weren't they? I think only ESPN warned that it could be a trap game, and I really appreciated their honesty. As devout as a fan I am, I was disheartened by the end of the third quarter and stopped watching. I had to go to Fark later that evening to find that oh my blessed Lord they won, they won, they pulled it out of thin air, and I about fainted. But hey, that's classic Cowboys football, and you can hardly fault Tony for channeling Roger Staubach--quite the trick, eh? Brilliant (I'm amazed that he can have 5 INTS and still manage 300+ yards passing... just.. WOW). I just hope he doesn't get into the habit. I don't think I could take it.

Now listen, I have a favor to ask: do you think you can hold off on the massacre on my 'Boys this weekend? You can go on a rampage on the other teams for the rest of the season, and even in the Super Bowl... but ya think your considerable talents can take a vacation for about two hours on Sunday? I'm really enjoying the delusion that the 'Boys can go undefeated all through the season. So would you mind terribly?

Believe me, Tom, it's not a lack of faith in the talent on my team. However, they are young and untested, although Tony is proving he can pull a win out of his ass (almost literally), and the rookie, Nick, has shown he's already a veteran and has the cojones to win. Well, hell, the team has shown they can hold it together despite their QB fouling up beyond comprehension. And, you know, I have a bit of admiration for the coach, too--he's done a phenomenal job, including getting Bigmouth to shut the hell up.

So, Tom, thanks in advance for the favor. Peace!

With love
from your Cousin

2007-10-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Amen.

It's been insane. I'm also considering a drastic move, but I need to think about it some more.

2007-08-15T11:20:00.001-07:00

And You Thought American Bishops Were Bad

I came across this article on MSN today. A Dutch bishop suggests the following:

"Allah is a very beautiful word for God. Shouldn't we all say that from now on we will name God Allah? ... What does God care what we call him? It is our problem."

Is this guy on crack?

I'll comment more later. Gotta go to school.

2007-08-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

Moseying Along

It's been quiet but it's been busy. My cousin, who has returned from Iraq, will be coming through town this next weekend. I haven't seen her since my wedding five years ago.

School ramps back up next week, catechism at the end of the month, St Vincent de Paul, and all that stuff.

I'm going to do something else, too: I am going to take tap lessons. Always a fan of Gene Kelly, I was watching his clips on YouTube. I asked myself, "why not?" and then I grumbled to myself: I should have done this when I was in the Forest Service, with all that downtime during the winters... sheesh, I lost all that time. So, I'm taking a class offered by the city. It will be as Bonnie Franklin titled her tap tape back in the 80's: I hate to exercise, but I love to tap. It will also be a help, I think, with my knees, help to build the muscle back in my legs so that I continue to stave off knee problems.

Go me!

2007-07-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Cruising the Intertubes

I've gotten back into my habit of cruising several excellent blogs, including the perennial favorites of Curt Jester, Fr. Z's What Does the Prayer Really Say?, Roman Catholic Blog, and Whispers in the Loggia.

Here is a sampling of my recent favorite posts:

Deep Six the Sixties

Dissenting Cadre Quiz and PLRC-SAAM infection spreading???

California Catholic on the Motu Proprio

Letter-writers defend Fighting Father Malloy

No News

A satirical moving tribute to Marty Haugen, Pastoral Musician of the Year
Side Note: gads, and the plethora of his music I used to sing... you can almost make his music respectable when you have the organ accompaniment. Lil and David worked hard to obliterate the Kumbaya flavor of his music and did a fine job of it. The guy isn't even Catholic, for heaven's sake!

A Quaker on Defective Churches and "Subsistit In"

While We're All Busy Being Offended...

So I keep pretty busy with my reading. After a thorough confession (thank you Fr. David from the Fathers of Mercy, an Order of which I am a big fan--thank you, Fr. Hoorman for being so comfortable with your orthodoxy that you invite them back again and again), I'm back at Mass and back in the groove.

Formation starts again next month, and I finally have an active mentor. The formation duo has added texts to now more fully supplement "Catch Me a Rainbow Too": "To Live As Francis Lived," "Francis: The Journey and the Dream," and the "Secular Franciscan Companion."

I have a prayer request: please pray for Bernadette, the formation director of the St Francis Fraternity in Phoenix, and her family. Her son-in-law was tragically killed after one of our monsoon storms.

Peace.

2007-07-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Letting Others Do The Talking

By now there's a billion running commentaries on the settlement in the LA Archdiocese. I can't say it any better than this.

My only wry thoughts are these: how is Mahony going to keep paying for that horror of a cathedral he built? And what parishes and other diocesan properties are going to be shut down and the land sold so they can pay this off?*

That's my cranky thought for the day. It's a sad day.

_________________________________________________________________
* One blog I read suggested he start by selling off that ugly joke of a building... not a bad idea

2007-07-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Straight From A Horse's Mouth

I received an email from a SSPX friend of mine as to why their priests have their panties in a bunch; she clarified the simple issue:

Yes, the SPX group is still not happy. The reason is because traditional priests are being required to say the V2 mass periodically in order to be recognized by Rome . They have to promote V2 in their sermons and their education. The priests cannot say the Traditional Latin Mass exclusively. Since SPX does not agree with V2 and it’s teachings, they are not happy that they would be required to promote V2 and periodically have to say the new Mass. So we’re getting closer, but we’re not all the way there yet. If the Pope would just let us say the Mass in the Traditional Rite, then we would be okay with it for now.

Anyway… so that’s the situation. We’ve been getting sermons about it because the priests are not happy about how it turned out. But we haven’t given up hope yet.

If you take the traditionalist/RadTrad position, this makes perfect sense. But if you're a traditionalist with an eye to reconciling with Rome, you have to make some concessions. Benedict is no fool--he won't dispose of V-II out of hand, nor should he. V-II was a legitimate Council and they will just have to accept that. It's not going away.

You can't have it both ways, folks.

2007-07-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Oh dear Lord in heaven... you would think that the Apocalypse has come according to the media and various internet sites. I love some of the headlines:

Other Christian Denominations Aren't True Churches, Pope Says

Vatican Stresses Inferiority Of Protestants, which clicks to the headline Vatican: Non-Catholics 'wounded' by not recognizing pope (stupid CNN)

Pope: Other Christian Denominations Not True Churches (same AP release as above)

And just who are World Alliance of Reformed Churches to cry and moan? It'd mean more if it came from the Archbishop of Canterbury or someone like that. What do they care, especially an organization that is "deeply rooted in the Reformation heritage"? Certainly the Catholic Church isn't going to agree with Reformation discussion topics. It's just like the media to latch on to something with little credibility on the subject.

Good and sweet baby Jeebus, just RTFA (as the say rather colorfully on Fark)! Just Read It! The document states flatly that "The Second Vatican Council neither changed nor intended to change this doctrine, rather it developed, deepened and more fully explained it." There is nothing really new in this document, just clarifications and some hard truths: the Protestants do not enjoy Apostolic succession as of the years between 1517 and 1648; as big of a mistake that Martin Luther made, he's probably turning in his grave at the umpteen thousand splinters of the Protestant movement; no, the Orthodoxies can't have it, not theirs (although there is apostolic succession there, they do not prescribe to the primacy of Rome).

Notice this section: "It is possible, according to Catholic doctrine, to affirm correctly that the Church of Christ is present and operative in the churches and ecclesial Communities not yet fully in communion with the Catholic Church, on account of the elements of sanctification and truth that are present in them.[9] Nevertheless, the word "subsists" can only be attributed to the Catholic Church alone precisely because it refers to the mark of unity that we profess in the symbols of the faith (I believe... in the "one" Church); and this "one" Church subsists in the Catholic Church,[10] " The underlining is mine. Every news outlet and every outraged party has totally ignored this quiet little caveat.

They have also ignored this, from the Third Question: ""It follows that these separated churches and Communities, though we believe they suffer from defects, are deprived neither of significance nor importance in the mystery of salvation. In fact the Spirit of Christ has not refrained from using them as instruments of salvation, whose value derives from that fullness of grace and of truth which has been entrusted to the Catholic Church"[12]." Hmmm?

In terms of the Orthodoxies: " 'Because these Churches, although separated, have true sacraments and above all – because of the apostolic succession – the priesthood and the Eucharist, by means of which they remain linked to us by very close bonds"[13], they merit the title of "particular or local Churches"[14], and are called sister Churches of the particular Catholic Churches[15]. Is this really so hard to read and absorb?

One comment on a blog made me laugh: "Comedians around the world must envy the Roman Catholic Church's charism of being able to create shock without needing to invent new material."

There are good commentaries here and here. Hunt through the blogosphere for more.
~~~~~~
Here are what people are saying on various forums. Sadly, it's the orgy of misinformation that leads to backward and backstabbing comments like this (my commentary in red):

In America, and I can't speak for other countries, we Catholics don't pay a whole ton of attention to what the pope says. Cafeteria Catholic extraordinaire!!

go molest an altar boy boy cross dressing freak Um?

Aww, give the guy a break. He reached the top just as the whole charade is crumbling. Catholics are bailing in droves, church assets are being sold to pay off homo child rape lawsuits and guys like Dawkins and Hitchens keep bringing up pesky fundamentals flaws in the dogma. He's just trying to hold on to his fancy gold and jewelry, $500 Prada shoes, smokey purse, tax free real estate and giant opulent churches.. You know, all the things Jesus advocated. (what crack is he on????)

all Catholicism has ever given me is an all-encompassing guilt in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I DO! I even get guilty crossing the road its that bad... I suspect that there is something more to this than the Catholic Church. The Guilt Express went out of service forty years ago, honey.

I'm a mellow Presbyterian, so here is my response to the Pope: Meh. It's exactly that "meh" that's causing strife in your brand of Protestantism as well as in the Episcopal.

I'm ashamed of my Pope. So, so ashamed. (oh no, this one believed the media! this one didn't go to the Vatican website and read it for themselves!)

I'm sorry but I don't listen to a buncha farkwads that spend all the money that goes to "charity" on shiney golden egg things and 100 foot Jeezuz statues. Not to mention they contradict or change thier own "gospel" whenever it inconviences them. The ignorance in this post is staggering.

Silly Catholics...shut up and worship your idols like good little heathens. More ignorance.

Apparently the Pope needs a Bible lesson. I think he's forgotten some parts of it... specifically that Christ's death provided a means of salvation so that we couldn't have to confess our sins to some priest in a closet in order to be forgiven. Eternal forgiveness is God's to give, not some man wearing a funny black suit. Sounds like this person did some self-absolving. Does this mean you can do anything because God will certainly forgive in the end? Interesting.

The only true church, eh? There are several reasons why it's not:The Crusades/The Inquasition/Burning people at the stake for owning a bible/Indulgances/Purgatory/Worship of the Saints/Use of idols/Very corrupt Popes of the past/The fact that the church was created by a Roman emporer so that he could unify his nation/ making all the pagans "Christians" too.The list goes on after that. I don't think that there is another religion, that calls itself Christian, that bears less resemblance to the the Christianity described in the Bible. This one has read too much of The DaVinci Code. Fiction, honey, fiction. And where's Fr. Z when I need snappy commentary?

It has already been said, but it is worth saying again, I suspect that most Catholics (myself included) do not approve of that kind of statement from the Pope. You do not know your Faith, you do not know your Catechism, and moreover you need to be reeducated, and then slapped with a missal. Do not assume to speak for all Catholics. Besides, if you didn't believe that the Roman Catholic Church was the path to salvation, why do you call yourself Catholic and then turn around and disavow it?

fark you, you farking Nazi. We all go to hell, but you, who helped push Jews into ovens get a free pass? Really? (this one made me so sad)

Brilliant. Years of ecumenical outreach down the drain. The majority of the Catholic and Protestant membership would like more unity, so PopeyMcPoperson says something incredibly divisive. Well done, Cardinals, you elected a real winner this time. You are a moron.

Pope Benedict is like the George W Bush of Catholicism. (Lord, forgive them...)

Wow. The church of pedophilia? Interesting. I'll... pray for you.

First and foremost, the Pope is the emperor of the Roman Empire, which today only extends as far as the walls of the Vatican. He's just shoring up his base by pandering to the fanatics. (Oh--My--Word!!)

One poster: Dear Pope Benny,Thanks for completely farking up the work of your predecessor. Please [drop dead]. Sincerely, The World (Former Catholic)
Subsequent poster: actually most people of the world care less what the pope says or does. He has no value or significance.
Then how come the entire world was tuned in at JPII's death and watched for the smoke for his predecessor? How come everyone knows who the Pope is? Why do heads of state come to visit? Insignificant, my shiny silver St Charles Borromeo medallion!

So the Catholic church has announced that only their religion is the correct one. So they are fundamentalists officially now. Fundamentalism is a problem around the world, a plague on humanity. False Logic. You poor, uneducated, generalizing, puffed up fool.

Admitting up front that I didnt read the other comments.....This is yet another attempt to scare ex-catholics back in to the Catholic church. Their membership has been bleeding for quite awhile now while other denominations have gained. (again, the crack this person's on?)

He's going to take catholicism back to the 1920s, and the only thing it's going to do is make people hate catholics more. More poorly thought out logic.

*sigh* Pope Benny keeps this shiat up and that whole prophecy about him being the second to last pope may come true. Hey, Madam Sophia is on the phone. She predicts that you might make a false and silly statement today... oh wait.

JESUS CHRIST WASN'T CATHOLIC! Well, no; he was a renegade Jew who founded a Church upon Simon Peter, who thence went to Rome and established the Church as we know it there. Read your history.

I think he was chosen because he's old and batshit insane. Then, like with our presidential election, the next pope will be more moderate and perhaps a bit younger. Benny is going to stroke out soon after they find the replacement that they actually want to have around for a while... People are amazing, aren't they?

The Pope is a figurehead, who is meaningless in purpose and existence. He should resign, or die. (nice... must be a real charmer in life. Incidentally, that's generally how Popes exit their pontificate. Now, look at a similar post above and that's how I feel about your hot air.)

From Hilter Youth to Pope...He has come a long way. A plague upon thee for your impertinence and your ignorance.

John Paul II tried not to quack it too much, but the fact is that Benedict XVI lacks the silver tongue of his predecessor. John Paul shared almost all of Benedict's opinions; he simply made it a point of trying not to alienate over four billion people. What a shame. Though there is truth in the first sentence, any Catholic who knows their stuff isn't going to be in a huff about this media-fed tempest in a teapot.

Apparently you really need some priests banging little boys in the *** to really qualify as the top church. Oh, and cover it up as well. Then you really have it right. fark the Pope. What nerve he has to put his organization with all the recent legal problems in any place higher than another church. I hate generalized statements.

In all seriousness, how does the Catholic Church support their own apostolic succession? If one were to go by the succession of Popes, one finds Popes that were not just unholy but murderous, incestuous drunkards that threw orgies and raised money by selling indulgences. I'm speechless. Just... speechless.

I love God, I love Jesus, but the Church needs to go [drop dead] with THIS douchebag of a Pope. Support your statement, child. Tell me why he's a douchebag again? Methinks you are speaking more of yourself than Papa here. See entries in comebacks under rubber, glue.

~~~
And you know that the people who post this garbage proclaim peace, tolerance and unity in other posts. But the Catholic Church and the Catholics? Sound the hunting horn and let the games begin.

This is what the ignorant and the haters say. Wow. So sad.

The minority opinion speaketh:

Wow... I had no idea so many self appointed "intellectuals" had such a poor understanding of Catholicism. It's interesting to see how many people listen to popular media rather than doing the research of church history themselves. If they did... they wouldn't have said some of the things they did. This person got hounded and will probably never return to that particular forum. This is a dead-on statement.

Catholics believe they are a distinct religion with its own beliefs and vehicle to salvation. Their is nothing unusual or controversial about this when compared to centuries of Catholic teachings, everything ratty-boy said is completely consistent with what Catholics are supposed to believe. So go sit in the corner, you little media whorelets in training. You eat up everything the left wing talking heads feed you like its caviar and goose liver pate. I do not believe this poster is Catholic, but the point made is very valid in a rather shockingly funny way.

Now that Papa is off to his well deserved vacation, the hubbub might just die down, and the raging bigotry will subside for a little while.

Yes, I am praying for every single one of them tonight.

2007-07-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

SUMMORUM PONTIFICUM IS HERE

It's here, the long awaited Motu Proprio that has been the buzz since Benedict XVI was elected. I have said several times that I view this as placing the Tridentine Rite in the place of honor next to the Novus Ordo, where it belongs. I guess I will never understand the fear with which it is treated by the extreme... progressives, I guess they like to be called... within the Church; but then I don't get liturgical dancing, crappy kumbaya music(or, more recently, the near-pop concerts), or the desecrations of altars and Liturgy that I've witnessed since I was a child.

Last week, a friend of my boss called, someone who I've talked Church shop with often. He was jubilant because he considers the then-impending release of Summorum Pontificum the beginning of the end of the Novus Ordo--"they're scared because they know it's over!" he exclaimed. I blinked in disbelief.

I told him that he was being naive; the Novus Ordo is now part of the fabric of the Church and it's never leaving. And, personally, since I am a child of the Novus Ordo era, it doesn't bother me in the least. It is all I have ever known, and have been fortunate to have found parishes that say the Mass in a respectful, excellent manner. However, I do believe that he's naive, and those who think like him, very much so; and that these 'progressives' who are freaked out about the return of the Latin Mass are acting much like Chicken Little. I wonder what they really fear.

And slowly but surely the directives to clean up the mess in the Novus Ordo is coming from the top. I understand there have been movements to clean up the translation, bring dignity back to the Liturgy, and quiet instructions to get the awful caterwalling that passes for music at Mass in many parishes back to respectful and appropriate music.

Can we have a directive squashing parishes that are afraid to proclaim they are Roman Catholic Churches? When I see "St Hopeless Catholic Faith Community" I get worried. Any church I hav been in that uses that moniker doesn't look a thing like a Catholic Church inside. One in particular took me 4 visits to find the tabernacle (hidden in a corner, encased in ugly wrought iron and topped with a single dark red lantern). Yes, scary. Be proud! This is a Roman Catholic Church!!

It should be interesting to see how this plays out. Stay tuned.

~~~~~~~~~~
Good breakdown and commentary here. Akin gives warning that he's using the unofficial translation, but I think that the general idea stands.

Rumor has it that the translation at the USCCB site is different than that of the Vatican's... one commenter on Jimmy's blog alluded to shenanigans. Let's take it easy, folks. One thing at a time.

2007-06-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

Defending the Faith?

One of my evil pleasures is reading Fark.com. It is one of my favorite news sites/forums. However, for all the participants' tirades on inclusion and fairness, it is a bastion of intolerance in a lot of cases, especially when it comes to Catholicism. In this thread, I tried to reason it out with some of them. I think I lost. Here are some excerpts and my commentary.

Me: My faith is strong and impenetrable...
Gawdzila: I.e. blindly obstinate.

Why is it that, when someone has a solid faith in God, that they're blindly obstinate? People don't seem to understand that God transcends everything. I've said before that I don't buy off on *everything* the Church says, because I have a brain. I take responsibility for that though, and I'll probably have to have a wee chat with St. Peter at the end of my days. "See, Petey, it's like this..."

Me: And don't think that Law isn't doing his penance. ... And you can bet he's isolated. No contact with the world, no power as he had yielded, power that he loved and craved. You can bet that he is persona non grata. Not your idea or mine of "justice"...
Gawdzila: Exactly.

Later in the thread someone pointed out that Law didn't do the deed himself. I then replied later in the thread that Law is just as guilty and filthy as those he shielded. The Boston DA (a Catholic!) let this slide, big time, as did the Vatican. Worse punishment should be meted out. It just seems that people don't understand that there are punishments worse than Bubba in the jail cell to people who wielded certain power.

Persnickety (in response to another poster's snarky comment): What makes you think this is the Vatican's policy? Seems to me Law is the asshole who made the decision to move pedos around. If it happened in other dioceses, you go after the top dog there too. Again, why punish everyone when it is only a handful of morons who messed up?

I suspect Persnickety isn't Catholic, either, but he/she gets it. I had correlated that line of thought to teachers who get busted for dinking with the kids: the school doesn't get trashed, and neither do the offender's colleagues. Faulty logic, I suppose, but I never took philosophy and argument. It's no surprise I got reamed. Kiss me arse, I say.

Gawdzila, in response to Persnickety: Because the Vatican is aware of what is going on and they have the power to, at the very least, publicly demand that all responsible parties be kicked out of the church and allow legal proceedings to , continue against them. But they haven't, so they are complicit in allowing people like Law to continue doing what they are doing.

Do people understand how huge the Church is? The Vatican, while it has feelers everywhere, is not omniscient. In a church of this size, I imagine that it's very easy to play the coconut game. "What? I saw nothing." It wasn't until it became such a hot topic that the Vatican realized that there was a massive problem.

The Church may be guided by the Holy Spirit, but the men in red and white are still only human.

Is it me, or is the problem mostly in America?I have rarely run across such a problem in Europe or Australia... or maybe I'm just uninformed. Yeah, probably.

Gawdzila: If the church's leadership had simply excommunicated these priests for their actions and allowed the law to take its course, the church would not be the subject of such criticism.
Me: You'll not get an argument from me or any thinking Catholic on this statement. Right on the noggin.

Yes, my opponent was correct on this and I admitted it. This is what the Church *should* have done but didn't; irreparable damage was done to the Church's image. Bravo, Gawdzila.

Me: Sadly, some rotten apples spoil the whole shipment of barrels for a lot of you. It's hardly fair to lump the entire church because of a minority problem.

JestersTear: The problem is that it's the farking LEADERS OF THE CHURCH, dumbass!
***I never denied this, by the way. It was badly handled.

Pope John Paul, Pope Benedict, and their inner circle were aware of the events and condoned them through their actions and inaction.
***Condoned? Really? While I agree there was "inaction," the Church thinks in terms of eons, and not decades; things move slowly. It's getting there though.

Funny, JPII, the Pope of the Youth, John Paul the Great, is the evil character to this person. Interesting.

This wasn't "some rotten apples" on the fringe of the organization, this was the hierarchy of the organization comitting these crimes and / or discouraging the assaulted from filing police reports, and helping move the accused molestors to new crops of victims.

***Law would be considered "local" hierarchy, and, while a "leader," was not the Pope or part of the Cardinals' circle in Rome. Anyway, we all have to figure Law lied to the Vatican's face all that time and, in the absence of proof, Rome had to wait; that wait costs us. And it's true that the victims were intimidated by these foul persons: it happened here during O'Brien's tenure. It was wrong, so very wrong, but the work to fix the problem has been ignored by the people who will always insist that the Roman Catholic Church is evil--we'll never do anything right in their eyes.

This wasn't a recent happening. I'm 36, and I recall hearing about this crap happening when I was a child.
--"I recall hearing"? This person is relying on hearsay, which is not a good argument. His/her point is semi-valid, but hearing about it isn't the same as someone who *knows* someone who was traumatized.

Tell me, how is it that these people scream about child molestation (rightly!) but turn a blind eye to homosexuality?

I'm over it now: Seriously, corruption in Rome is nothing new. Anybody who is shocked by this simply hasn't paid attention for about 800 years or so. Not saying the Protestants have it all figured out either, just saying Rome has been corrupt for eons.

This is a person who still thinks the Borgias still run things. Wow.

Firelick: Why is it, that when someones picks on the heads of a religion, it automatically means that, that person is picking on the whole religion..?

Because they are, honey. Especially when it comes to the last acceptable form of bigotry, hating and trashing the Catholic Church.

Me: I'm sorry to see that anyone who has strong faith is automatically "blindly obstinate" in your book.
Gawdzilla: Well, the word "faith" in and of itself implies adherence to a belief, no matter the mountain of evidence against it or lack of evidence for it. That is pretty much the definition of 'blindly obstinate', isn't it?

No.
Blindly: without understanding, reservation, or objection
Obstinate: tenaciously unwilling or marked by tenacious unwillingness to yield
Therefore, no (see? I can has logic! heh). I understand what I am defending. I am not unwilling to discuss other views, as shown within the thread. I am a thinking animal. And as I believe in one God in light of the teachings of the holy Roman Catholic Church, I open myself to debate and flaming, I also will defend to the best of my abilities the tenets and reputation of my Faith and of my Church. My abilities may suck badly, but I will try until I'm physically and mentally unable to anymore.

Me: It makes my day when my religion comes up in otherwise pleasant conversations and I get a quip along the lines of 'you like child f*ckers, do you?' Not a misconception at all. Try being on the receiving end of such commentary and you'll get fed up too.
Gawdzila: Hm, I can see your point. I'd never make a comment like that, hell my grandma is still Catholic (though I admit that she is a pretty liberal one). I guess there are plenty of people who like to generalize on the basis of the actual molesters, but myself and many of the other non-mouth-breathers in this thread are more upset about the Church's response than the emergence of the problem in the first place.

See, this is a reasonable response. Dialogue is good. And, since this person had been reasonable, I wrote:

Me: Thanks for being considerate, Gawdzilla, even if you and I don't see eye to eye. Peace.

Which engendered the response from Gawdzilla:
Indeed. A few words uttered with reason and respect has more impact than an entire angry tirade. Peace, friend.

When you can argue and debate and end it on a respectful note, that's progress.

2007-06-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door, somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor, open the door, and let 'em in*

I'm not a McCartney fan, but this is the appropriate snip of music in my head right now. Tonight, I think, there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel, that dark tunnel that I wrote about before. It's just a pale, tiny glimmer, but a pinpoint of light nonetheless.

Not a lot has changed, really, but sometimes... there's just an instance where you have that nudge that you're doing the right thing, following the right path even though you lost the map.

Or, to continue the initial thought, someone was knocking and I opened the door.

Our fraternity had an impromptu pot luck meeting that was set up last week and took place earlier this evening (I just got home). A few months ago we had our elections, and we have a new formation director, with the person who came in second in voting an unofficial co-director (neither of whom is the previous director). They have revamped the formation syllabus and changed dates and times, we have new, more convenient times for formation and the meetings, and oh yeah, things are looking much better as a whole. Not so all-encompassing and day-wrecking (time-wise) as it was before. There are changes and shifts in meeting times and durations that are much different than we've had before, but I think they will be for the better, and everyone concerned will be happier overall.

One of the topics discussed was Mentors and Mentoring. I have had horrid luck with mentors. Mary was my first choice, someone I have always looked up to. But in the early fall last year, the Minister of her fraternity (not the one I'm in) had to have major surgery, and, as she was vice-minister, she foresaw problems with having time to give. So I go to Terri, another lovely woman who I love dearly, but we never could meet or talk, and she's had severe health issues. I was discouraged. I chose two ladies I trusted and looked up to, but they didn't pan out.

P, our new formation director, emailed me earlier this week, saying that he had just talked to Terri, and I would need a new mentor because of her poor health and our inability to get together and make it work. There was someone within our fraternity that I had grown to like and respect, and in recent months had started to quietly connect with. But I didn't have the nerve to go up and ask R. to mentor me, as I assumed he was swamped, already had a candidate or two to mentor, etc. etc.

Well, tonight became "assign those floaters who are in attendance to mentors" night. Not all of the candidates were assigned, especially if they weren't there. I think that the new council wants to start our new year cycle in August with all the pins in a row, which is wonderful. I think it's a grand idea and I watched and listened. My plight hadn't been discussed right off the bat, so I merely watched with interest, wondering if I could pull R. aside along with P. later in the evening and approach him on the subject. Unfortunately, all the tea I had drunk at dinner suddenly hit and I had to disappear for a moment. I come back, my name is called and I look up in surprise.

It kind of became an auction in reverse; instead of the price going up, people eligible were eliminated. R. was the 'reverse auctioneer,' if you will. Oh, Rosemary has two, Bill has one but is going on a South American mission in September, Sue is already mentoring and is swamped with Regional stuff, and thus it goes around the room. Suddenly, R. looks at me and says, "How about I be your mentor?"

I wanted to cheer, "HELL YEAH!" and dance a (badly executed) jig, but decorum decreed that I say in a demure tone, "That would be great!" I don't think I could keep the smile off my face or out of my eyes.

As it turns out, he isn't mentoring anyone at this point, so it's very fortuitous.

I am a scaredy cat. Mew!

~~~

This encouraging turn of events has my mind lighter... I know that's a badly constructed sentence, but it describes how I feel. I can actually think about picking up the website after months of indifference and lack of contributions from others, and getting back into the swing of things again. I haven't entirely shaken that disappointment that struck me so forcibly a few weeks ago.

We have a month off--we take every July meeting off for a break--and I think by the time that we start gearing back up in August I'll be ready to go. Hopefully, by then, the rest of my mind will be similarly at ease and I will be raring to go.

~~

Please pray for my fellow candidate who has a sister that's been in ICU for nine days; it's not looking good, and she and her family need all the prayers they can get. Thanks.

~~
Edited to Add: Her sister has passed away.
O Gentlest heart of Jesus, ever present in the Blessed Sacrament, ever consumed with burning love for the poor captive souls in Purgatory, have mercy on the soul of Thy departed servant. Be not severe in Thy judgment but let some drops of Thy Precious Blood fall upon the devouring flames, and do Thou O merciful Saviour send the angels to conduct her to a place of refreshment, light and peace. Amen.

__________________
*Paul McCartney/Wings, "Let 'Em In," 1976.

2007-06-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

Crossing a Barren Desert

(Warning: lots and lots of venting, whining and crying. Stop now if you don't want to read).

For some time--and I'm not sure where it started--I've been in a sort of lethargy. I don't want to say crisis, because it's not a crisis, and certainly not a crisis of faith (thank God). But it's just... I don't know. Lethargy, apathy, bleh.

I haven't been to Mass regularly in a long time. Why? Not sure. I am unmotivated to do a lot of things. I need to confess that, as I can't partake until I've done so. But in the meantime, I'm struggling to figure out why I'm feeling this way. I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything Church-wise, whether it's serving at Mass, contacting the Catechism director, or the SFO--especially the SFO, where the whole presentation thing and how it was mostly dumped on me added to my despondent attitude.

I think a part of my issues have to do with all those years in crisis mode, always being on call at all times. Now that Mother is gone, the constant dread of when the shoe is going to drop has left a void that hasn't healed yet, and I haven't quite been able to drop that habitual tension. Yesterday's blue mood had more to do with my late sister: she would have been 46. Funny, as the years pass, I miss her more.

Mother's death opened a can of worms in the family dynamics aspect of life; to give an idea of how bad it's gotten, I do not want my siblings in my house--I can't host any event or holiday because of the blatant disrespect shown me, TJ, and my house. I finally learned that after all these years it's okay to say NO, that I am allowed to call my own shots within the family, to not allow myself to be their dumping ground as they blithely go on with their lives. Yet it makes me sad: it shouldn't have to be this way. Having learned to stand up for myself has exacted its own cost.

Add to this my procreation woes: five years of trying and nothing to show except for one terrifying ectopic. TJ said in January he would get tested, as he had for two years previously. They won't look at me until they look at him--he's easier to pinpoint/rule out. However, he has hangups about it. Granted, it's not a pleasant thing to look forward to, but I've personally endured worse. His is a one-shot deal... no pun intended, sorry... but mine will be invasive and embarrassing. Until he does his bit, I can't do mine. Anytime I bring it up he counters with things that have nothing to do with the price of beans in China. Very frustrating.

Not too long ago he said that we can't afford any assistance--yet we can find several grand for his jaw/teeth problems, several grand for the cat, and will spend thousands upon thousands eventually for him to pursue his dream: he wants to be a psychologist. This is great and fine, and I absolutely support him in his dream. But does it mean that I have to give up mine to be a parent? If it's a money issue as far as he's concerned, then adoption is out, as well as any other alternative. Lately, however, I've been wondering if he subconsciously doesn't want children. This issue has slowly overtaken my mind because I'm not getting any younger; once I was cynical about women crying about the "ticking clock." Now my own is ticking, with any chances of fulfilling my dream slowly vanishing, and it's a lonely place to be.

Also, I have recently had to face up that I have to let go of someone I care deeply for. This gentleman--let's call him Joe--was once a very close friend. We could talk forever: I'm the bookish one with all sorts of vast and odd knowledge, he is very smart and is world traveled thanks to several years in the military. We filled each others' gaps intellectually and it was so much fun just to talk about everything and nothing. Then, one day last September, Joe confessed he fell in love with me. Of course I had to say as kindly as I could (trying to hide my quiet little horror of being put into an impossible situation), no, sorry, there's nothing I can do, I said, but keep walking with me as my friend anyway. I know it can be done; wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't possible. It has been a struggle, and I have prayed over it. A lot. But after the better part of this past year and his inability to deal with my reality, my love for TJ that has never changed, I have decided to let him and the dead friendship go. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but when all topics are now restricted, conversations become shorter and progressively more impersonal, there's nothing left for me to do. It's broken my heart. I tried. Tout fini.

So, yeah, I'm in that lonely deserted place with only myself to talk to. I've thought about talkig with Padrino, or with the pastor at my own parish, but from watching first hand I know they have so much on their hands already. I don't know what to do. Writing has helped.

Please forgive my long-windedness.

2007-05-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Discussion Topic: SFO Rule, Article 7: Interior Radical Change

(I have finally had time to condense the presentation we made for the May meeting. Sorry that I haven't had time to breathe... enjoy!)

The Candidates this year chose to present on Article 7 of the SFO Rule, which states:

United by their vocation as "brothers and sisters of penance" and motivated by the dynamic power of the gospel, let them conform their thoughts and deeds to those of Christ by means of that radical interior change which the gospel calls "conversion." Human frailty makes it necessary that this conversion be carried out daily.
On this road to renewal the sacrament of reconciliation is the privileged sign of the Father's mercy and the source of grace.

Initially, we set out to act as if we were going to define "Interior Radical Change " for a SFO dictionary or encyclopedia. That concept is something brought into discussion from the first time any curious person comes to an Inquiry session, and follows through Initiation, Candidacy, Profession, and all the rest of our lives as a Secular Franciscan. It was such a huge concept, a concept that everyone views differently. We sought to come to a common definition so that we could discuss the Article on common ground.

One group put it this way: pick it apart. "Interior," meaning from within; "radical," with its negative connotations in some aspects, think of it as extreme, over-the-top, unusual; and "change," transforming from one form to another. Therefore, Interior Radical Change could be defined as "an extreme transformation from within." Another group put it in a different way, incorporating the important concepts of community, the Gospel Life, and centering in Christ. The third group tied it into conversion. So, as common ground, the definition in regards to the SFO life would look something like this:

Interior Radical Change (n.): 1. A transformation from within a person when exposed to the Franciscan charism of centering on the Gospel life, following in Christ's footsteps, and living within and without the secular community. 2. A shift in perspective that elicits a spiritual and internal change in the way the person views the world and therefore acts in the Franciscan spirit.

With that in mind, we took the next step: is the concept of "conversion" exactly the same as "change"? Is it redundant? And is "conversion" the same as "radical interior change"? Conversion , it was discussed, is a higher form of change, and that conversion, daily conversion (which penance is a key part of), is the path to radical interior change.

Radical interior change is that phenomenon that, when lived and viewed through the Franciscan lens colored with the gospel life, changes one's entire outlook and how people react to situations. This was a good discussion that required little guidance, as it twisted and turned and brought newer and deeper understanding for all.

We read excerpts from Fr. Bernard Green's booklet "Transformation in Christ," as a segue from the previous topic and then bringing about the subjects in the second paragraph of the Article, in regards to Confession/Reconciliation, to which we steered to the subject of penance. Here are some excerpts:

The heart of the Gospel, then, is aimed at freeing us... so that we can give ourselves fully to all that brings an enhancement of human life... extend[ing] our horizons so as to natural life in a new light and as replete with higher potentialities through genuine community with one another (from Chapter 5).

This is the he part where we started the discussion regarding penance and repentance:

...[T]he New Testament understanding of repentance is quite different from our usual understanding of repentance as the way we win God's favor or which avoid His punishment...
"As portrayed in the New Testament, repentance is radically different, and to be transformed by the Gospel, we need to recognize this. In the Gospel, repentance is our response to the prior offer of grace, not the way in which we win that grace...

The difference between the Biblical understanding and our usual understanding of the term is that in the New Testament our repentance is made possible by the encounter of grace, and is thereby a gift that we appropriate, not something that we earn. It is not something which we can claim simply as our own achievement. It is not a matter of self-achievement but of receptivity of a gift (Chapter 6).

It stands to reason that the overall concept in the entire Article starts to a willingness to say "Yes" to God. Yes, to listening to that knocking on the door, yes to God's call. Yes to the Gospel life. Yes to change from within to see change from without. Yes to being one with Christ and walking with Him. Yes to the radical interior change that is necessary to stay on that path. Yes to admitting frailty, confessing sins that are part of being human, and to practicing that often to renew my path. Yes to God's invitation to grace so that I can be saved by Him.

Yes, I accept God's invitation to explore my faith.

2007-05-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

Personal to BrBearSFO:

I can't access your profile... drop me a note at clarispraeclara@gmail.com

Thanks!
Lisa

2007-05-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

I love late night bombshells

I checked my email before heading to bed last night and this is what I read:

"...S has called it quits on me and I am devastated... he’s gonna be moving away from [their daughter] and I very soon. He’ll be moving... once he’s discharged from the military on a medical basis. He’s had much stress with not knowing what’s going on with his health and career that I don’t think he’s making this decision based upon just us... Love is just not enough sometimes, I guess… [...] He’s pretty set in his decision though and the he wants me to start the paperwork for divorce while he’s away. I am just so torn about this… I hope that I didn’t unload on you too much."

I sat there stunned. My dear friend D is so sweet and this has obviously left her stunned, and from what else I read in this email this came out of left field. This was the pair that had fallen in love instantaneously, were so sweet and perfect together, the birth of their baby daughter the event of the year. S had pontificated before and after they were married about how he'll never abandon his family as his was, have the dysfunctional family his was, how he'll make sure that D and their daughter will want for nothing, that D was the sunshine of his life and he was so devoted to her. And he was, and everything was beautiful. I have to wonder what the medical issue is--he was fine last time I heard, so I wonder if it was something sudden because he was happy and doing well in the Air Force. There was no warning. Something is going on here.

I told TJ and he was astonished as well. He really liked S, had good vibes about him, and enjoyed his company. So it's not just me thinking that S had come across as true-blue and all that. He, too, thinks there's something else going on. Not cheating, because that's not the vibe I'm getting. Something less superficial, methinks.

So as soon as D gets back from out of town, I'll meet up with her and the first thing I'm going to do is give her a big hug, and I suspect that she'll crack and cry uncontrollably. The poor girl.

As my brain was full after reading this, I didn't get to sleep until midnight-thirty or so, and of course I'm wide awake at 5 a.m. this morning, and at work by 7. Yuck.

Please pray for D and her 18 month old daughter C... and that S will come to his senses and change his mind about walking away from his wife and daughter.

2007-05-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

Chasin' My Own Tail

I'm sorry I have been remiss in updating. I have a lot to post on, but no time to put it together in my head. There was the Candidates' Presentation this past weekend, my 6th graders' Confirmation, the office I work in is moving (what joy that is) this week, and I'm heading to Yuma tomorrow.

So tired... be back later.

2007-04-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PAPA!!!

Today is Pope Benedict's 80th birthday.

From CNA :
"'The Church both in Rome in the other parts of the world is invited to join the Holy Father, Benedict XVI, to raise to God our Father a deep prayer of thanks for his 80th birthday and the second anniversary of his appointment,' the Vatican Press release reads."

And I have, and I do all the time.

Long Life and Health!!

2007-04-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

The Right Thing To Say

Time: This Past Monday Morning
Place: Work
Who: Me and Boss
What: Answering phone

Me: "Good morning, law office."
Boss: "Well, good morning... He Is Risen!"
Me (with a smile on my face): "Indeed, He is Risen!"
Boss: "Oh my gosh, you're the only one who knows how to respond to that!"

Is it bad to be very proud of that accomplishment? Is that considered pride?

I wish everyone would greet everyone else this way first thing Monday morning.

*satisfied grin*

2007-04-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

Its Just My Blue Blue Mood*

I don't know quite how to say it, but I guess I'll just say it: I'm discouraged.

This weekend I was slated to present Chapter 5 of "Catch Me a Rainbow," the soft-cover (spiral) text used by many Fraternities for Formation. The title is "Listening to Scripture." I thought it a great topic to ruminate on in our usual round table way that we do things. There are great things to discuss in the first part of the chapter, especially in terms of asking, "How do you listen? What are your methods?"

I really liked the chapter because it has a subtopic on fundamentalism, and within that text in CMaRT I sensed subtle jabbing into those who observe the Tridentine rite. I wanted to explore that phenomenon within the Church, that movement that pushes for ecumenism with the non-Catholics, but refuses to be brotherly to those of our brethren--separated or not--who do prefer the Latin Mass.

Well, that didn't happen. See, our formation director... well, let me state for the record that her teaching methodology and her knowledge and background in terms of Franciscanism is second to none--she learned under Regis Armstrong, OFM Cap., that great Franciscan scholar. There is one other who recently transferred who has the same background, and we are so very blessed to have them. They make the Saturday formations and the ongoing formations wonderful and edifying.

That said, our formation director has this one little flaw: she is adamantly against anything that existed prior to Vatican II. If any of us bring up the Latin Mass in general conversation, she gets this wild look in her eye and a set to her jaw. I know she knows of my position in terms of my growing respect and understanding of the Latin Mass (I never have figured out how we went from there to here in terms of Liturgy, but that's beside the point). So, knowing she knows this, and sensing that she knows I know of her aversion to anything to do with the Tridentine era, she proceeds to hijack my chapter to vent about her peeves regarding all sorts of things with the 'fundamentalists' within our own faith.

For an example, she was going on about if a woman had uterine cancer, she had to ask her priest if it was within Church rules to have surgery, the conflict being that she had to be open to children. She often speaks of how demeaning the robes nuns were required to wear, and how they were to conduct themselves, and all their restrictions. These and other things were brought up, my chapter taken WAY out of context and I was given no opening to get it back on track. I was astounded at her vehemence--tolerance indeed!

Franciscanism is all about peace and joy... and demonizing the Tridentine Mass and those who prefer it?

I look at it this way in terms of my formation: it is the closest we have in this modern day to the Mass that Francis heard. It has not, and never has been, declared illegal; in fact, I was reading earlier this week that Papa Benedetto is moving closer to making the Latin Mass on a more equal footing with the Novus Ordo. After this weekend, I'm inclined to cheer the fact more than usual.

If I may digress...

The dawning of a new age that Vatican II was to open has instead gone awry: the overflow of lay participation they imagined has never materialized--every parish I've been in constantly scrambles to fill serving spots at Masses; vocations are down in most areas; attendance is down; scandals perforate the very fabric of faith; people do not know their faith. One of the things the formation director criticized was the memorizing of the Baltimore Catechism; my argument is that if it's Truth, what is wrong with memorizing it? It's not saying you can't further explore, but if you can't even get the facts out, how can you ever defend the Faith?

[a phenomenon I have observed out here in Phoenix is that the parishes that allow either the Tridentine Mass to be said or the Novus Ordo in Latin are extremely healthy parishes. St Thomas the Apostle on 24th Street in Phoenix and Corpus Christi in Ahwatukee come to mind, parishes that are happy and healthy and seem to have a greater number of seminarians compared to most]

All I remember of CCD was sitting in McCready Hall and singing "If the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack--OUCH!" I remember coloring a lot. Nothing formative remained with me twenty years down the road. My catechism kids, though, are getting a much better grounding: they went to the Perpetual Adoration chapel last week; they have gone through a Seder meal; they know the difference between the Old Testament and the New (I barely did until I was in my twenties); they have picked saints from a broad range of choices for their Confirmation names with excellent reasoning in their essays, things of this nature. I quiz them from my copy of the Baltimore Catechism and they do pretty good--I didn't know and couldn't explain the answers when they were my age.

The times are a'changing... thank God.

But anyway...

We were given time in this session to discuss our May presentation. This has been a bit of a heartbreaker as well. I have a fellow Candidate who treats me as a leper (oh, the irony! and was one of those who nominated me for chair! gadzooks) because we didn't select the topic offered, and pretty much refused to participate; barely speaking to me isn't an answer either. Then the formation director steered our subject matter--not that the topic was bad (it's actually excellent), but it was the passivity with which it was accepted by the majority--and the minimization of the role of the priest we were hoping to have come to be our guest speaker really saddened me. I guess I'd better tell old Padrino not to bother.

So... in my state of mind by the time we dispersed on Saturday, I couldn't bear to attend Sunday's meeting. I was disillusioned and frustrated and disappointed. I know everyone at some point goes down this road when they're on this journey, the turn to that road prompted by individual things. And I know it will get better.

But for now, I'm in a blue mood.

~~

Two ironies in the past couple of weeks:

I ran across a beautiful San Damiano cross in a gift shop, gold paint on white resin in a pretty bas-relief; I don't usually buy things on impulse, but I did buy this and have Fr Alonso bless it for me. I didn't find it at the Franciscan parish, nor at the usual places: I found it at the gift shop of a Jesuit parish, St. Francis Xavier's Marian Shop on Central Avenue. Go figure.

Then the score today became Jesuits 2, Franciscans 0, when I opted to bypass the Franciscan parish. I can't bear to deal with leaving Mass angry at the showboating and the disrespect of people's work time (he made Ash Wednesday Mass almost two hours--people had some explaining to do, unfortunately) during work week by a particular priest. I couldn't chance it on the most holy of weeks. My boss later told me that Mass was said by Padrino, but it's a crap roll, and... no. No, I opted out of that, and took a different chance: I went to St. Francis Xavier today for Mass--and the third of Tony's Tuesdays (although I left my Novena stuff in my Christian Prayer book in the car). I don't know who the priest was, but it was beautiful, appropriate, orthodox, quiet and--get this!!!--thirty minutes even with the extra Gospel excerpts. There was no circus on the altar--mostly just Father doing what he needed to do to say Mass, not a Sacristan trotting across every five minutes, and things of that sort.

I am blessed to work for an attorney who frequents Mass during the week and who usually goes to Franciscan Parish, so now he knows what I mean when I return from there and say, "it ran long," with a roll of the eyes. On Ash Wednesday, the normally unflappable Boss was seething, and finally understood my frustrations.

Listen: I'm not one of those who advocate what my husband calls "drive through Masses"--I'm not a toe-tapper or a watch-watcher. But it's rude when it's a weekday Mass and it runs past, say, forty-five minutes. I'm all about GOOD music and appropriate liturgy, but if the Church wants people to continue to come to Mass during their lunch hour, they need to respect that time. Today I found that respect.

Thank you, Father Wonderful Jesuit (I don't know his name) for a beautiful Mass that I needed badly.

Yes, a Candidate for the SFO trumpeting the Jesuits! What is this world coming to? *chuckle*

~~

I leave you with this, from the Gospel of John from today's Mass:

My children, I will be with you only a little while longer. You will look
for me, and as I told the Jews, ‘Where I go you cannot come,’ so now I say it to
you.

Simon Peter said to him, "Master, where are you going?"

Jesus answered him,“Where I am going, you cannot follow me now, though you
will follow later.”

As sad as this passage is and to the sadness to which it leads, I can see the hope.

We will follow later.

_____________________
* Thank you, Mr. Orbison.

2007-04-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna to the Son of David

"Then the people cried out before Jesus, in whom they saw he who comes in the name of the Lord. In fact, the expression: 'He who comes in the name of the Lord,' had become the way to designate the Messiah. In Jesus they recognize him who truly comes in the name of the Lord and brings God's presence among them. This cry of hope of Israel, this acclamation to Jesus during his entry into Jerusalem, has with reason become in the Church the acclamation of him, in the Eucharist, who always comes among us in the name of the Lord, uniting the ends of the earth in the peace of God. Given that the Lord is coming, we come out of our exclusivist realities and become part of the great community of all who celebrate this holy sacrament. We enter into his kingdom of peace and acclaim in him, in a certain sense, our brothers and sisters, for whom he comes to create a kingdom of peace in this lacerated world. "

Benedict XVI, Palm Sunday 2006

2007-03-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

This and That

It was nice to read the Repulsive yesterday and find this... the local section has the High Fives section in which this blurb was posted. Fr. Hoorman's anniversary Mass and reception was awesome; what the article didn't mention was that the goal was topped by at least 30,000 cans by the time the party was started. My question is, why is it an "A-OK" instead of a "High Five"? I certainly think that this celebratory work of charity outranks the 70th anniversary of the Bashas' stores and the influx of flights to Williams Gateway airport, both of whom got high fives. I just don't understand.

Here's a HIGH FIVE to Fr. Hoorman, Corpus Christi Catholic church, and everyone who supported that drive.

~~

My good friends from California called this week, and AJ asked what should they do to get the baby (due in May) baptized. Because of their unorthodox schedules, it's been impossible for them to be able to go to RCIA classes over the last several years. I advised them to talk to the pastor of the local parish, explain the situation, and see what he says. The other problem is that even AJ--the most lapsed of Catholics--laments the whacked way that the LA Diocese is run by Mahony, and he is worried about the lack of orthodox teaching. He and I had a long talk about that. I'm so glad we have Bishop Olmsted--he's quietly and patiently weeding the garden in this Diocese.

~~

Speaking of California people, I found Mike's obit earlier this week. After the usual information, the last sentence read: "Mike was employed by the U.S. Forest Service for 29 years." I found it incredibly sad: his 52 years on this earth was marked by a single sentence.

It makes you think: how will you be remembered?

~~

We had two days of rain this past week after the temps the week before soared to 95, as I had posted before. Thank God it cooled down. I have been doing long overdue yardwork all weekend.

You'd never guess that I'd mowed the lawn a week ago...
~~

I was nominated in absentia to chair preparations for the presentation by the Candidates at May's meeting. I don't mind such things, but it does get frustrating when I say 'hey, let's get together, get some ideas on the table,' and I get laconic responses. Finally, thanks to the pushing of one of the other Candidates, we did have a meeting--lots of fun!--but only a portion of us showed. Since we're going by the "majority principle," we made executive decisions there. First option selected was to have a Friar come and talk, and in this instance it was decided to approach Fr. Alonso de Blas, OFM. I have a meeting with him on Tuesday, and we will go from there. I'm praying very hard that his calendar is free on that date so that everyone can listen to his funny and enlightening talks. If you cruise my postings, you know that I am an Alonso Groupie, and this would be quite the coup. "Padrino, por favor..."

In the event that he is unable to attend, we picked the topic of "Franciscan Life: What Does It Mean?" and it was agreed to turn it into a small group/roundtable discussion--everyone's idea of what the Franciscan Life is unique, and it's a subject that we all can learn from, as well as fostering discussion and getting to know each other better. I hope to also incorporate the several good suggestions emailed from a couple of the other Candidates. And, even if we get Fr. Alonso, I am going to ask him to speak on the topic from his perspective.

I'm praying for Fr. Alonso to be able to come and speak. It will be a meeting session to remember.

2007-03-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

A Day for the Irish and Then Some

Happy St. Patrick's Day! No, I'm not going to blather on about what he did and all that. I'm just glad I'm Irish--I don't have to wear green.

Have I ever told you that I make great corned beef and cabbage? My beef, carrots and potatoes came out phenomenally awesome. But... well, yeah... I kinda forgot the cabbage part... it's sitting in the fridge. What am I going to do with it?

Yes, I am a slacker.

No, it's not that I'm not paying attention, or haven't dreamed up posts. They're still sitting in draft form... on paper. And they're humdingers. And they're still in the trunk of my car with the bodies... er.... yeah.

It's already 95 degrees here in Phoenix. I mowed the lawn today and it was gorgeous, but by 11:30 it was time to head inside. WAY TOO EARLY--go away, high pressure system!

The Franciscan portion of this post will consist of the alert that Tony's Tuesdays--if one is observing the 13 week novena--starts this Tuesday, the 20th of March. So get thyself to Mass and go from there. There are several novena prayers... pick one, and have at it! Anthony is my best friend lately, because I have lost my mind. Help!

(yes, I suspect I was in the sun a bit too much today)

I would ask that you keep in your prayers two people: the first is Deacon Phil Simeone. He is doing much, much better but is still facing surgery. He and his wife are some of my very favorite people, and I wish him a continued, speedy recovery.

The second is someone who I haven't seen since December 10, 1997, at the Incident Command post for a rather graphic plane crash recovery in Lytle Creek Canyon, but who in succeeding years was never far from my affections, and was always on my short list of people I wanted to see again someday. This old pal is a fellow Irishman, so I figured that St Patrick's day would be appropriate to post about him.

Mike Fogarty died last week, former prevention officer on the San Bernardino National Forest, most recently in the aviation ops department, an aviation fan extraordinaire whose passion for helicopters was well known. While he wasn't popular with some folks (popularity being something he never gave two pins for), he was always extremely kind to me, and was always my "Brother Eurotrash." I can still see his swagger and clearly hear his smartassery in my mind's eye, that glimmer in his eye when he was particularly amused, and recall the many amicable chats we had and the good advice he gave me in my tour there on the Forest. It was Mike who brought me home from the burn ward back in 1995 in his patrol truck; he popped his head into the barracks to check on me while I was off duty and afterwards when I on light duty.

He died much too young, and his passing has greatly shocked me. I prayed for him at Mass on Wednesday, and it was then that hit me like a truck--gadzooks, who would have thought that Mike would be gone at such a young age? How tragic. My condolences go out to Mike's son and his family and friends.

It was a hard week for the Berdue last week: not only did they lose Fog, but also Charlie Stump and Larry Smith, the latter two after long illnesses. As was exclaimed to me last week, "What next?"

2007-01-21T15:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Early Birthday To Me!

Da Beahs are in the Super Bowl! It will be the first Super Bowl I will be interested in since the 'Boys last appearance. Da Beahs have always been my default team. 21 years since Ditka and the Super Bowl Shuffle was all the rage--I was in eighth grade.

Gadzooks... now I feel old.

*dances happily*

2007-01-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

And A Belated Happy New Year to You, Too.

Yes, I have changed the title yet again. Sue me. *laughs*

I changed it originally so that I would not compete with THIS site, which needs the hits much more than I ever will. I see it needs updating, but even so, definitely higher priority there.

Then, also, I think it will change as my journey continues to meander. In the last formation session, we were talking about the letters of St Clare, specifically those with Agnes of Bohemia, and talking about the change in the tone and familiarity over the course of the letters left to us 800 years later. "Forma Vivendi" means "form of life," which wasn't a bad idea to convey in a title. However, I was reading the text of Pope Alexander IV's Bull canonizing St Clare at this site, and I was just entranced by the opening text: "CLARA CLARIS PRAECLARA meritis"--Clare outstandingly clear with clear merits. And, in the way things happen sometimes, I knew that I had finally stumbled across the working title for my blathering spot. And it is my site email too... so it worked out perfectly.

~~

If you look back to my disappointment in Confirmation preparation and materials for my niece last year, you know how I feel about the touchy-feely, politically correct campiness of some programs. I am happy to say that the catechism program I teach in is not anything like the disaster I attended last year.

I was encouraged when skimming through the confirmation workbook this weekend, and noted with much pleasure that there were questions that could have read right out of the Baltimore Catechism. There was also much less fluff. It was still goofy and the artwork is dorky, but hey, I'll take the victories where I can find them.

I am also encouraged by the range of Saints' names that are being chosen by the kids when they turned in their Confirmation saint essays. A Mary, a Cecilia, an Edward, a couple of Johns of various origins, a Margaret, two Ann(e)s that I saw, a Joseph, a Thomas, a Magdalen, a Patrick... unlike the apparent plethora of Francises that happens as it's a constant favorite subject of the pastor in past years. Mind you, I don't mind Francis at all... but it tends to be a default name to pick. There were some great explanations why they picked the saint they did. It's a good group of kids, all 110 or so of them (No, that's not a typo).

This program encourages the kids to pick a saint's name for Confirmation, which I think is a good thing. Yeah, I know about the argument that they should pick their baptismal name to tie back to that sacrament, but in a world increasingly leaning to Jaden/Madison/McKenzie/Neveah and all that crap, well, it's good to have an option, and at this rate, they'll have to make it mandatory. There is no Saint Addison or Blessed Kaden. Besides, it exposes them to the history of the Church, especially when you have about 80 minutes (usually less) to get the point across.

I am fortunate to have a great group of 6th graders. Of course, when you lay down the law from day one, you tend not to have any problems. But they're good kids anyway.

One thing that made me VERY happy about this program is that last week, we had "Excavating the Church Night"--keeping with the theme of the Indiana Jones-ish flavor of the program. Class was in the Church proper. There were 8 stations (not in their order):

1) Altar/Tabernacle: I loved the "expert" who said more than once, "we
always say hello to Jesus by bowing or genuflecting." She won my heart when she
said that anytime you pass a Catholic church anywhere in the world, even if you
pass in a car, to bow as you pass. My mother taught me to bless myself as I
pass, so I *heart* this woman for saying it.
2) Baptistry/Oils - went over the font and the full immersion, the Easter
candle, and the three oils displayed prominently on the wall: chrism oil, oil of
the sick, and oil of catechumens
3) Divine Mercy Shrine - this was the one that involved the kids the least.
The "expert" was the mother of one of my kids, and she read straight from the
paper. They were disengaged and bored. It was unfortunate.
4) the stained glass windows - an eighth grader with quite a presence
presented this, and did wonderfully. I was startled when he said, "It's rude to
cut across pews." I blinked at him.
5) Statues - very well done, the kids got it and appreciated it.
6) Deal or No Deal: Reverence - it was a good talk about how to behave and
dress at Mass.
7) Sacramentals: sign of the cross, genuflecting, etc. This was a little
dull but the kids got it.
8) Confessional - this was a surprising success. It had a good, engaging
"expert," and the kids' knowledge was actually pretty good. I'm certain none of
them have stepped foot in the Confessional since their First Communion though.
*laugh*

I wish that the RCIA program my husband and I had been in had done something like this. Things would have been clearer for TJ and a refresher for me, and definitely a benefit for everyone in the program.

~~

Christmas was a mixed bag. Christmas Eve was ruined by my older brother's temper tantrum when TJ wouldn't cave in to his bullying. Christmas Day was nice and relaxing--wait, isn't it going against the history of the world to say that I had to go to my in-laws to relax? Ummm...

~~

Wishing for blessings and all the best in this new year of 2007!

2006-12-08T15:35:00.000-08:00

It's the Feast of the Immaculate Conception

Got Mass?

'nuff said.

2006-12-04T20:17:00.000-08:00

Life Adjustments

It is already the first Sunday in advent. It's December, already, for crying out loud. Unbelievable. Where has the time gone?

It is the time of year where everyone scurries, where tempers get short and many folks pretty much need therapy by the time December 26th rolls around. However, as I told one of my readers-under-the-radar this week, the only thing that exceeds the majesty of Christmas for me is the Triduum of Easter. But it's close.

I can't think of Christmas without thinking of the greatest loss: Mom.

My poor dear late Mother was in love with Christmas. It was her time of year, the time of year she enjoyed and shined. The decoration boxes would be dragged out before Thanksgiving, and the tree would not come down until mid-January, dessicated and ready to burn. The party every year took eight weeks to plan, and the house was full every year with old and new friends--invitations were coveted. She loved Christmas shopping, taking care to find *the* present, selected with care and love. She and I would meet at AJs or at the Coffee Plantation an commisserate on our plan of attack for the holidays. She baked and baked, cooked and cooked. Everyone from Dad to my nine year old nephew has their own personalized stocking that hung along the divider of the entryway.

The house had two Christmas trees: the formal one was in the front room, every year a little different, and involved moving the big couch and the 75 year old grand piano. One year it was white and gold, the next red and white, the following year green and blue, etc etc. The other one was always in the living room--a big furniture move for that which always made Dad sigh--always multicolored with all sorts of ornaments and colors. When I asked her why she had the two trees, she replied that she would never see a tree because she was always in the kitchen, so she put one where she could see it. There were mini trees everywhere--on the pass-through, in the bathrooms, in the back yard, you name it.

She always had thousands of mini-lights in the front yard. This was contagious to the point that I would be the one putting them up and her directing (and now I put thousands of lights in my yard too--I am the Light Queen). I'm not talking about those silly traffic-glutting showcases: just the little lights all over the plum tree, the pine tree, the privet hedges, the bogainvillea. A very simple beauty. The only anomaly was that the frame of the house had the C-7 lights--but the little lights look silly there. Mom despised the icicle lights and refused to buy them.

The backyard was similarly lit. The trellis outside the living room window for years were gold lights, then eventually were always white. The oleanders had white lights and colored lights; the volunteer mulberry tree was in white also, sometimes with those mini-light hanging balls swaying in the cool night breeze. The oleys and all the trees created a canopy and I had a great time making it starry every year. TJ said once that it was like dining on a patio in an Italian restaurant with all the twinkling lights.

There was always a fire in her chiminea or in her firepit, burning wood and paper. That smell out there was just so Mom, her making up for the fact she had no fireplace. No matter, she'd have one outside instead.

So, the other night when TJ and I dropped by to say hi to Dad, it was a little strange. My #2 brother had dug into the closet and pulled out some of the little lights (or bought a couple of strings) and strung them sloppily along the privets and along the roof. Unremarkable. It was uncharacteristically dark and not a little sad. I wish I had the time to go over and put more up.

In the house, there were no stockings; no little gold reindeer along the big bookcase in the front room, no multi lights on the sideboard to reflect off of the silver. No nativity at the base of the tree that was obtained--a tree bought much too early (it was always a major production to decide what day we would get the trees, because the furnace would crisp them by Christmas Eve if it was bought too early). No lavish handmade centerpieces on all tables. No tea andles on the divider in their clear red votives. No series of pine wreaths lovingly handmade with boughs snitched from the tree sellers, adorned with the big pressed bright red bows. No big gold jingle bells hanging from the front and back doors to merrily announce every entry and exit.

The weird thing I couldn't place until later was that there wasn't any Christmas music playing. Mom had them playing 24/7 as soon as the local radio station started every year at Thanksgiving, in every room. It was almost deathly quiet in the house except for the TV.

So quiet, so dark, Mom's characteristic mark on the house there no longer, though her presence is still there. Always there.

Dad is going to put together a small Christmas party when the out-of-state kids are home--the 23rd, not really a good day to do that as it's Christmas Eve eve. However, he has no idea how to do it. He thinks he can call a couple of days before and they'll show. Calling is not a bad thing--there was always the "Core Group" of every Christmas party, and those are the people that he's inviting and who will more than likely come. Written invites are better, but that's just not his way. I told him that he need to do it by the end of this week.

He also mentioned that he needs to do Christmas shopping. That would be a first for him, and he admitted it. "Your mother always did that--I shopped for her only." He is debating gag gifts, which I think would be fantastic... I'd love to see it. I think we all should do gag gifts. :)

The best part of it is that Dad is functioning in that realm. I am encouraged that he is ready to entertain and socialize--a good mark of healing. Mama died three months short of their 50th anniversary, and I can still see the gaps in Dad's heart in his eyes. But he's emerging from that grief, finally.

But there is a big hole in the atmosphere at the folks' house, this first Christmas after Mom's death. Christmas Eve will not be as festive ever again. Things are not the same at all, and my eyes tear up at the thought. I realize that this is a part of life, one of those life adjustments that everyone goes through, but my first thought as my dad, my brothers, and my husband and I stood by Mama's body right after she passed was "Christmas is going to suck."

I need to remember to take a little Christmas tree to her grave this weekend. I should take Daddy with me.

It will be a sad and strange Christmas.

God, I miss her so badly right now.

2006-12-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

Not A Bad Weekend At All

Notre Dame's season ended with somewhat of a whimper and not a bang as I thought it might, but they still got into the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans against LSU. Go Irish!

TJ and I were at home on Sunday afternoon. He was channel surfing and suddenly said "Babe! Dallas is on!" Imagine my shock--99% of all Dallas games get blocked here in Phoenix because of the stupid Bidwells and their sucky Cardinals. Hate the Cardinals. It was the last three and a half minutes of the game... but holy cow, what a three and a half minutes! Tuned in to see Dallas get the go ahead touchdown (20-13); stayed riveted and almost cried when the Giants scored; cheered when Romo threw that beautiful 42 yard pass... and jumped excitedly when Gramatica nailed that gorgeous field goal. Football at its best.

The Giants' red jerseys are just plain stupid. Scrap 'em please.

I LOVE FOOTBALL! I plan on going to Dallas for a game next year--oh yeah, baby, I'm a fan.

~~

Happy First Sunday of Advent!

2006-11-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

Reporting In

On this quiet and long Thanksgiving weekend, I have a moment to write about my bittersweet trip to California for the memorial service.

After 5 hours of driving on November 4, I got to my sister's house outside of Redlands. She came by with one of the folks from the Del Rosa Hotshots who had worked with Lotzi, and they had just come in from one of the funerals. Sis needed to make a pitstop, and then they were off again--to drop D off back at Del Rosa, and Sis off to what I learned where contentious planning meetings for the funerals and the memorial. Sis said she'd be in at about 8 or 9, which was normal for this time period.

My brother-in-law and nephew were out hunting, and Sis had been on a dead run as soon as the news broke on the Forest without much to eat in nearly two weeks, so she practically begged for a real dinner. This I did with pleasure, and the pleasure was mine especially when she drooled when she said, "Oooooh, chicken..." I had made Mama's baked chicken, along with steamed summer squash/zucchini/red bell peppers, all of which she inhaled. "I finally have an appetite," she said apologetically. "God, thank you for making dinner, it's perfect."

Instead of going to bed early, as we should have done, she and I stayed up to talk until after eleven. As I'm not sure as to what I should reveal in terms of what she told me when the other captain found Lotzi and the boys and the whole situation (especially with the ongoing investigation); suffice it to say that I know more detail than most. What I will say is that I correctly surmised that they didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and that probably, *probably*, Lotzi didn't do anything extraordinarily wrong. And that is just from the discussion she and I had, nothing official.

It was the first time Sis and I had talked without disruption in years, and it was a good thing. She needed to purge her sorrows and all the drama of the previous two weeks. She had just gone to her second funeral as I said earlier; she had the memorial on the 5th, the third funeral on the 6th and the last on the 7th (Gus's services were private, and Sis did not go to that one). "We're done," she said, in terms of everyone's emotions. Everyone was fried, everyone was tapped, patience was running out, nerves were frayed, and everyone was just in the "one day at a time" mode. I was told about a lot of things--good and bad--that I don't think I can put on a public blog. Let's just say that like with every horrible tragedy, some people rose to the occasion, and others only half-stood. It's human nature.

We trudged off to bed at 11:30 or so to get up at 4:30am.

It was dark and it was sleepy and Sis and I went to Starbucks. Caffeine for the win. Then off to what was Norton AFB which is now partially commandeered as the Berdue Supervisors' Office, as well as the Forest air base, moved from Ryan in Hemet. There were a lot of faces I didn't recognize, some I did. Miss D from yesterday gave me a hug. Kenny did also. Marlene about fainted--I said to her "the world hasn't ended." Good old Howard. I saw some faces I did recognize but it had been so long, and I hadn't worked with them so closely, that I don't think they placed me. Just as well, it wasn't a reunion, after all.

I drove Howard's vehicle to Glen Helen with his wonderful son so that they could be together, and I was there saluting right with them. It was touching and sad. I saw many grateful faces and some ravaged faces.

In looking for Howard I went across the stage area, and looked around. Nope, not in the general seating area. I looked once, twice... TALL ONE!! He is in the Honor Guard. I let out a little squeak and tucked myself under his arm. "Is this who I think it is?!" I grinned. "I am if you're still the Tall Shit!" He laughed, and smiled into my eyes, "As long as you're still Short Shit!" I laughed. I went to move on, and let them rehearse, when I looked up--"Budlee!" An "oh my God," two hugs and a kiss later... It was nice to see two people I cared about still. I just wish the timing wasn't so horrible. I have Budlee's number and I need to call.

It was a beautiful ceremony, marred only by the heat, strong sun, and the incessant Santa Ana winds. The Governator was there with Maria, and made a nice speech, as did Mary Bono, and various other politicians. The one that annoyed me was Dianne Feinstein, who was stumping... wasn't the place for that.

The best speeches, of course, were the ones made by those who really knew them: Mike Dietrich, the Forest fire management officer, and Norm Walker, who is the San Jacinto Ranger District's fire management officer, now called Division Chief to jive with the cities. The text of their speeches can be found here.

Probably the most touching moment was watching Dan Gosnell, who runs the Honor Guard, present Norm with a folded flag in memory of the crew. I could see Dan and Norm wringing hands, not letting go, neither one of them trusting their emotions; embracing and parting. Norm clasped that flag, and continued to as he sat again onstage, as if to never let it go, his devastation clearly on his face.

Once over, the rest of the day was uneventful--we went home, my nephew and brother-in-law came home, we ate dinner and slept.

The next morning, Sis looked better than the day before. "It's the first time I've slept through the night since they were killed." The memorial provided closure, at least some measure of it, and I know the sleep helped her bear up for the final two funerals.

I was on the road home by 10:00 am, my mind sifting through my time in wildland firefighting as I drove that long, boring way back to Phoenix on I-10. It is an inherently dangerous profession, and we can all take solace that all of them died doing what they loved.

2006-11-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm Off to California Tomorrow...

I am attending Sunday's memorial service.

Just when I think I have cried all the tears I have, I cry some more--articles, memorial sites, pictures of the burnover site, anecdotes of the funeral processions for each of the firefighters. Here is a wonderful memorial site that made me weep again. Here is *the* board for wildland firefighters--(and I know who you are now, Lobotomy, you wonderful person, you)--and when you scroll down you will find some great links. Here is the San Bernardino Sun, who has had great coverage of the fire and great pics. What wonderful people.

I know I will cry and cry and cry some more on Sunday.

ALWAYS REMEMBER THE ALANDALE FIVE:

Lotzi, Daniel, Jason, Jess, and Pablo

2006-11-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

And Then There Were None

Pablo passed away yesterday evening. How devastating.

I'm seriously considering going to Sunday's memorial.

". . .As a person of faith, of resurrection faith, I see death as a friend, not a foe; and the experience of death is, I am convinced, a transition from life to life, from grace to glory."
--Joseph Cardinal Bernardin, 9/9/1996

My Jesus, have mercy on the Souls of Mark, Jess, Jason, Daniel and Pablo.

2006-10-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

Five Names, Five Decades of the Sorrowful Mysteries.

Official San Bernardino NF Release

The reward for the arsonist is up to $500,000.00. I hope it goes higher.

I hope they find this murderer. Not very Franciscan in my attitude, but there it is: the truth. This horrible person has not only been deliberately setting fires all season, destroying nature and property, but now has to answer for four deaths and the grievous injury to the fifth.

Mark Loutzenheiser, Jess McLean, Jason McKay, Daniel Hoover-Najera, Pablo Cerda. I'm dedicating a decade each to these beloved people.

O my Jesus... lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of Thy mercy.

2006-10-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

Prayers and Mourning in the Fire Family

Today was not a crummy day--wasn't really too bad, just annoying--and I fled the office early. I came home, let the cat out, watered the yard, and then headed upstairs to check my email. I logged into my Yahoo account... and you know how they have the little headlines? My heart stopped when I read the little link about four firefighters killed in Cabazon.

Normally it doesn't, but today it did; call it intuition. I stopped there and called my sister, who is a chief officer on the San Bernardino National Forest, where I used to be a firefighter. I had a bad, bad feeling.

Sis: "(chief officer title)"
Me: "You have a sec?"
Sis: "Who's this?"
Me: "Your sister. Are you OK?"
Sis: **bursts into tears**

Through her tears--and my overwhelming relief that she was OK--she told me about the horrifying events. She was on her day off, and she learned it from the news. She immediately Called another chief officer that I knew well, who told her that four of the five engine crew were killed, and the fourth has burns over 95% of his body.

The sketchy details are that the engine crew had been doing evacuation and structure protection, and the winds apparently gusted and blew the wind just so. It is Santa Ana season, the most treacherous and dangerous winds out there. Poppet Flats is in a narrow little valley, the home on somewhat on a knob and therefore more exposed to wind shifts, and whammo....

My relief that my sister was safe was hollow. Everytime I hear of entrapment and/or death, I selfishly pray that it's never someone I know. Fire deaths are horrible enough; it potentially being someone I used to work with makes it intolerable.

Today was intolerable.

The hardest thing to take was the loss of engine captain Mark Loutzenheiser, a very experienced wildland firefighter. When Sis said, "We lost Lotzi!" I cried, "No! Not Lotzi!" And No! to the loss to the whole wildland family, especially on the Berdue, especially on the San Jacinto Ranger District. It just doesn't seem possible.

As I write this, his name was quietly released, and just beginning to be splattered across the media. Sis has known Lotzi for 20 years; he was on the VG Shots when I was on DR. He'd come across the Forest for the Front Country's Sunday night softball games with some of the other VG folks. So I knew Lotzi, my sister knew Lotzi, and it was a very hard conversation at 3:00PM or so. I called her later this evening, and we talked a little more... I don't think it's hit yet, but it will.

As only firefighters can, I wept for the loss of Mark and for his three other crew, and prayed for the fifth crewmember, who at this time is still fighting for his life.

Pray for them and the firefighting community, who is devastated.

Please help, and donate to the Wildland Firefighter Fund: http://www.wffoundation.org/ to help defray the costs of the funerals and assist the familes.

~~

I have spent time in a burn ward--I have the scars from a fire to prove it. I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. However, burn wards are also a place where some very rare people do very special work. Pray for them too, to carry out the work of mercy that they do.

~~

People are already looking for someone to blame. In one place it is posted: "I think IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO LAWYER UP. Firefighters, management, USFS, CDF, CITIES and TOWN agencies on the fire. Do not speak to anyone involved in ANY investigation without your lawyer present." This posted this evening already on a wildland message board.

Dear God...

~~

I have been in a burnover incident. If my captain had made his decision five seconds later, we would have been caught with the Sycamore crew back in 1995. As it was, we had blown through a closing wall of fire before we made it safely to the safety zone.

Thank God, thank God, nobody was hurt that day. Those excruciating minutes that passed when there was no response from Buzz or Steve with the crew, and knowing there was a helitack crew in there too that wasn't responding, was an infinity I will never forget.

It is like yesterday: I see the safety zone in a big, fuel-free turnout, overlooking a wash, watching with the rest of the district initial attack engine crews a wall of fire engulfing everything in that high desert community we responded to. The division chief calling on the radio, my captain with breaking voice calling, others calling with no response, the growing silent dread. Tears beginning to brim as minutes passed, silent prayers.

Then: "We're OK," from Buzz, who had the three crew with him in an impromptu safety zone. The deafening, incredulous silence and then the choruses of "thank God, thank God;" but where was Steve? And the helitack crew? Finally, it was discovered that he too was all right: Stevie had crammed the whole helitack crew into the engine, and sweated as the fire ran over them.

Poor Conrad not being able to talk for an entire five minutes; everyone weeping and laughing with relief, and when the scorched truck with its melted light bar emerged from the carnage, we all cheered, with Steve saying a little shakily on the radio, "I think we need a new paint job...."

As far as I know, the melted light bar is still at Sycamore, a reminder of how close we all were.

[How close was I, other than my actual near-miss? If I hadn't switched stations that year with "D," I would have been on that day. I would have been with Buzz in the safety zone, instead of at the turnout with everyone else.]

It was nerve-shattering. It spooked at least one seasonal firefighter into quitting, and an engineer seriously considered abandoning his career. The district and the Forest went into a period of shock... what if?

We too had been pulled off the fire, as all the Berdue folks were today. But where we only had to wrestle with our eventual mortality, the families and friends of poor Lotzi and the guys, and the entire Forest Service family, have to deal with the worst that can ever happen.

~~

All I have been able to say all night is "the poor darlings," reliving my close call, and the separate incident that landed me in the burn ward, only imagining what they went through, tears brimming.

~~

Lord, be with them in this time of sorrow.

2006-10-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

PAX ET BONUM!!!

Happy Feast of St Francis!!

It has been so busy... led the Transitus on Sunday, what an awesome thing... went to Mass today at St Mary's and it was over an hour before we even got to Communion. Typical Fr Vince... oh well.

...just trying to get an entry in before heading off to do catechism with the sixth graders. So busy... but happy... and talked to my mentor, which was a great thing. Yay!

So I will leave you with the following:

Our Most Holy Father, Creator, Redeemer, comforter and Saviour,

Who art in Heaven: In the angels and saints, Enlightening them to love, because You Lord are Light Inflaming them to love, because You Lord are Love Dwelling in them and filling them with happiness, because You Lord are the Supreme Good, the Eternal Good, from whom comes all good without Whom there is no good.

Hallowed be Your Name: May our knowledge of You become ever clearer, that we may know the breadth of Your blessings, the steadfastness of Your promises, the height of Your Majesty and depth of Your judgements.

Your Kingdom Come: So that You may reign in us by Your Grace and enable us to come to Your Kingdom, where we shall see You clearly, love You perfectly, be blessed in your company and enjoy You forever.

Your Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven: That we may love you with our whole heart by always thinking of You; with our whole soul by always desiring You, with our whole mind by directing all our intentions to You and by seeking Your Glory in everything; and with our whole strength by spending all our energies and affections of soul and body in the service of Your love alone. And may we love our neighbours as ourselves, encouraging them all to love You as best as we can, rejoicing in the good fortunes of others just as if it were our own and by sympathising with the misfortunes of others, while giving offence to no one.

Give us this day our daily Bread: Your own Beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, to remind us of the love he showed for us and to help us understand and appreciate it and everything that he did and said and suffered.
And forgive us our trespasses: In Your infinite mercy, and through the power of the Passion of Your Beloved Son, together with the merits and intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and all Your Chosen ones
As we forgive those who trespass against us: And what ever we do not forgive perfectly, do You O Lord, enable us to forgive to the full so that we may truly love our enemies and fervently pray for them before You, returning no one evil for evil and striving to help everyone in You.

And lead us not into temptation, hidden or obvious, sudden or persistent,

But deliver us from evil, past, present and to come.

Amen.

HAPPY FEAST DAY!!

2006-09-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Last Time I Checked, Theft is Theft

I think I have mentioned before that I play World of Warcraft. I've been playing for the last 18 months or so. TJ got me hooked. So I have a lil undead warlock--I've been through a few guilds, as everyone has--and I play and I've made some cyber-friends, one of which we met when we went through NC. These are carefully built relationships.

I am part of a developing end-game guild that had the highest of intentions. We have a de-facto guildmaster, an expatriate Scots-Canadian, who came from one of the BIG end game guilds. It was considered quite the coup, and high expectations were made by everyone. There is also a "council"... but I won't go into that.

There has been a group of what I call s__tdisturbers. They have been fomenting ill intents for awhile now. Well, this past week, part of the "council" not only left the guild, but have left the server. This in itself has been no big deal, right? Happens all the time. They also pulled a bunch of people with them. Again, it happens.

Problem is, one of them had the guild "bank toon," a character a player has that is used solely to store profession materials, valuable item drops, and other things saved for the guild as a whole. Not only did that person take the toon with them, they took the items with them, items that belonged to the guild as a whole--a couple of month's worth of raiding days into Molten Core kind of materials and drops, raids that last a minimum of three hours and are difficult to fill spots for. Hard-won things. All gone. Not even on the server anymore.

To add insult to injury, the person "returned" items such as wool bandages, which anyone can make. The guild is left with nothing.

Yes, it's just a game. I have a problem, though, with thievery of any kind, be it virtual or real. Those items did not just belong to these five to eight people, it belonged to the guild of over 200. So my faith is shaken in these people I had considered cyber-friends. There is still the core of infuriated and depressed guildies, everyone's in shock, and there's a lot of name calling and finger pointing. Sad.

I am thinking of taking a sabbatical. My friends Donkeysaurus, Thanakar, Darkraevyn, and Rathdeathch will scream to high heaven, but the desire to play has now worn off. On top of it, the expansion pack is coming out in November--just in time for Christmas! eep!--and I just can't justify spending $50 for 10 levels, flying mounts or no.

So if you are a World of Warcraft player on the Eldre'Thalas realm, and hear about a guild that got their entire guild bank ripped off, I swear it's true. And if you know Sindarella, Plural, Jezzabelle or any of their friends on the Eldre'Thalas server or the one they scarpered off to, give 'em hell. Spread the word.

These people... holy cow! If they do this in a game, what are they like in real life?

What do you call something worse than a ninja-looter?

2006-08-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

St Louis the King (August 25) and Other Items of Passing

Funny how St Louis the King's feast day is this Friday. A king who truly knew how to rule and lead, from prayer to family to being a warrior (not that he didn't have his days). As a prominent Franciscan Tertiary, as they were known then, he is the patron, along with Elizabeth of Hungary, of the SFO.

St Louis has been in my mind for a week now, after a mood-darkening tour through a place appropriately called "Relics." At least they had that straight.... anyhow, I'd been passing this place on Camelback for a long while now, and after taking care of some business, I had time to wander in. I thought it would be just another Scottsdale/North Phoenix trendy crap place.

Boy, was I wrong.

I walked in, and initially it was a rustic wood table, an old French olive oil clay jar, things of that nature. Then my eye was caught by a glass case--I walked closer to find a very old carved wood saint of Spanish origin, probably 1700s or so if not earlier, along with other very old figurines and such from some church. Then the window caught my attention.

There was dear St Louis the King, a gorgeous stained glass window ripped intact from some church in France, frame and all. Next to it was, if I remember correctly, the patron saint of Rouen (the name escapes me now). It was in the same style and similar frame, although this window didn't survive the years as well. This priceless, irreplaceable artwork in some crappy antique shop!

As I turned back to the case thoughtfully, a monstrance on the glass case of the checkout area almost made me ill. What is *that* doing here? A beautiful gold monstrance with blue enamel workings, sitting in its obviously native reliquary arch--ripped intact from whatever wall it had been in.

As I continued through this place, I shivered to the bone--ironwork crosses, bannisters, and accents, all of the same style and time period, cannibalized by some hunter. There was an entire wood panel that included the confessional door, which had been incorrectly identified ... things of this nature that gave me the eerie sense of history raped for profit.

I'm not really that sentimental, but as I continued on I had the feeling that Jesus was weeping, saying "look what they have done to My Church!" All the religious that had been at this French church, monastery or convent over the hundreds of years (many tags placed the dates in the XVI-XVII centuries) must have been looking on sorrowfully as the place to which they had dedicated their lives was ripped apart. I could smell, feel, know that history in all that iron and wood, destroyed in the name of profit and secularism.

By the time I left, I was upset. Oh, if I only had the money to purchase the window, the monstrance, and various other religious items, and save them from being some ignorant person's "decor"... My heart was so sore, and I joined in weeping with Jesus.

What sacrilege.

~~

My boss is active in the Right to Life movement. Sometimes, I prepare his newsletters, announcements and replies to the editor. I was working on one of the latter today.

It's such an explosive topic that even as he merely sought to straighten the record in a local paper, emotional and provoking phrases rang out from the screen I was typing them on to.

I had no idea that an endorsement from Right to Life for a candidate was so coveted to the point that candidates will twist the truth to bend the voters. Not that I'm surprised--I grew up around party politics--but the gubenatorial primary promises to be somewhat inflammatory.

~~

I hate it when a choir mangles a song.

Even if you're not an advocate of post Vatican II music, I think "The Cry of the Poor" by John Foley, SJ, will move you. As a part of that oft-mentioned awesome choir I had been a part of, we had done this piece often. Four part harmony with the organ only undertoning with the old church's acoustics, it was quite haunting. It's a tune that will stick in your head in a good way.

It's supposed to be in a moderate tempo, which we had slightly slowed at places for effect--I believe the Italian musical term is fine. This past Sunday I went to 8:30 choir in New Parish at which they have the contemporary choir, which has a 50/50 chance of getting on my nerves. For Communion, they did "The Cry of the Poor," dragging out the refrain to the point were every beat was almost two seconds each. Then, to brighten our day, they turned the verses into a pop beat. Not the 'slightly faster' that I'm looking at in my copy of Choral Praise as I write this, but a full out, almost Harry Connick fast jazz beat kind of pace.

Oh yes, they did that. All the way through. Refrain dragging and the verses popping. I was astonished.

No matter that they were in tune... with the clarinet bleating and the drums whapping, it totally destroyed the aura that this piece is supposed to create.

I will skip out on 8:30 from here on out. It's 7:00 am, or 12:30 when it recommences in October, at New Parish or 9:00 am at Old Parish, tho the thought of Fr Hollywood letting his ego shine kills me too--but he does have wonderful taste in music.

I had a hard time explaining to TJ about being a "music snob."

~~

I'm now entering a fearful phase in the race to conceive before I turn forty. It's too new, too raw to write about it at this time, but I will at some future date.

~~

Pray for my dear friend Terri DeMuro, who has been very ill.

2006-08-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

A Different Kind of SAT

The SAT (Salvation Aptitude Test)
I have stolen this gleefully from Noel J. Augustyn’s article on the New Oxford Review’s old website (http://www.newoxfordreview.org/1998-99/apr99/noelaugustyn.html ). If you go to this page, there is a funny but sad and illuminating commentary on the state of Catechism in the Church today.

How many of these can you answer correctly?

1. One of the prayers at Mass refers to this man as "our father in faith." Both Jews and Arabs regard him as their ancestor. Jews, Christians, and Muslims all consider him to be their spiritual father. Name this patriarch.

2. This patriarch and his wife, Sarah, had a son in their old age. God tested the father by asking him to sacrifice this son but stopped him from doing so at the last minute. Name the son.

3. Years later, this son and his wife, Rebekah, had a son who was to be the father of what became the Twelve Tribes of Israel. Who ,was he? (Hint: "Israel" was the name later given to him by God. He had a brother named Esau.)

4. We all know that Moses led the Hebrews (Israelites) out of Egypt in what is called the Exodus. How did the Hebrews come to live in Egypt hundreds of years earlier?

5. When we think of Moses we think, too, of Aaron and Joshua. Identify either Aaron or Joshua.

6. Moses received the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai. List the Ten Commandments.

7. Pick one of the Ten Commandments and tell why you believe it is especially important.

8. Apart from the Ten Commandments, there are the Two Great Commandments. State them.

9. What is the connection between the Two Great Commandments and the Ten Commandments?

10. State the "Golden Rule."

11. Saul was the first king of Israel. Who was the second? (Hint: He is considered the most important of the Jewish kings, and as a boy he was a shepherd.)

12. The second king of Israel had a son named Solomon. Write something you know about Solomon.

13. After the first reading at Mass we recite or sing prayers and hymns, some of which are very old, so old they are said to have been written by Solomon's father. What do we call these prayers and hymns?

14. There are three books in the Old Testament named after women. Name one of them.

15. Who is Job?

16. In speaking of the Old Testament, we hear the phrase "the Law and the Prophets." Name one of the Old Testament prophets.

17. Write something brief about one of the following: "the Babylonian Captivity" or "the Maccabees."

18. The first four books of the New Testament are the Gospels; their authors are called the Evangelists. Name the four Evangelists.

19. What is meant by the term "the Annunciation"?

20. What is meant by the term "the Visitation"?

21. We all know what we celebrate on the feast of the Nativity (which is also called Christmas), but what do we celebrate on the feast of the Epiphany (which is also called the 12th day of Christmas)?

22. Three places of importance in the childhood of Jesus are Bethlehem, Jerusalem, and Nazareth. Pick one and tell why it was important in the early life of Jesus.

23. Who is John the Baptist?

24. Lent has forty days, just as a particular episode in the life of Jesus had forty days, before He began His public ministry. What was this episode?

25. We know that Jesus often taught in parables. Name your favorite parable and tell why it is your favorite.

26. Fill in the blank: One of the most famous of Jesus' teachings is called the Sermon on the _________.

27. Jesus is often called "the Divine Physician" because He cured people of various illnesses. Write something about your favorite miracle or sign where Jesus cured a sick person or sick people.

28. Jesus taught us to pray what we often call the "Our Father." There is a more formal name for this prayer. What is it?

29. What is "the Transfiguration"? [Given today's Feast, this should be easy!]

30. There are two kings named Herod in the Gospels. Pick one of them and tell something about him.

31. Bethany is the name of a village near Jerusalem. (There is another Bethany "across the Jordan," where John the Baptist was baptizing.) Martha and Mary, who were friends of Jesus, lived in Bethany with their brother. Name their brother and tell why he is important.

32. What is "Palm Sunday" all about?

33. Why is "the Passion," from the Gospels, read at Mass on Palm Sunday?

34. Whenever we recite the Creed at Mass, or say the Apostles' Creed, we mention Pontius Pilate. Who was he?

35. Name the person who was forced to help Jesus carry His cross. (Hint: He is remembered in one of the Stations of the Cross.)

36. Pick one of these two terms and tell something about it: "the Upper Room" or "the Garden of Gethsemane."

37. Golgotha is the Hebrew name for the hill near Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified. This place is also known by another name. What is that name?

38. According to the Gospels, Jesus spoke seven times in His three hours on the cross. Choose one of these seven sayings (also called "the Seven Last Words") and quote it, or paraphrase it (that means, put it in your own words).

39. Tell how one of these men is connected to the Crucifixion: Nicodemus; Joseph of Arimathea.

40. Jesus' first appearance after His Resurrection was to a woman. Name her.

41. There is a phrase in common usage -even today that contains the name of one of the Apostles. Fill in the blank: "Doubting ." What did this Apostle doubt?

42. Who is called "the Prince of the Apostles"?

43. The last appearance of Jesus to His Apostles after His Resurrection is commemorated annually by a Holy Day of Obligation 40 days after Easter (or on the seventh Sunday of Easter). It is called "the Solemnity of the … ?

44. Fifty days after the Passover, Jews celebrate God's giving the Ten Commandments to Moses; fifty days after Easter, Christians celebrate God's giving the Holy Spirit to the Apostles and Mary. What is the name of this Christian feast?

45. Before he became a great missionary, St. Paul was a great persecutor of the early Church. He guarded the cloaks of the men who stoned to death the man we call the first martyr. Name this first martyr.

46. St. Paul wrote many letters (the Greek word for letters is Epistles) to early Christians and their communities in the Mediterranean world. In a letter to those at Corinth, a city in Greece, he described what we call "the Three Theological Virtues." The third of these, which is "charity" or "love," Paul called "the greatest." What are the other two?

47. St. Paul and St. Peter were martyred during the reign of the emperor Nero about thirty years after the Crucifixion. They were martyred in the capital city of the empire over which Nero ruled. Name this city.

48. For much of the first three centuries of her history, the Church suffered persecution. Many Christians were martyred and often Christians couldn't worship in public. Then, in the early part of the fourth century, an emperor ended the persecutions. Name him. (Hint: He named the eastern capital of the empire after himself, it was formerly called Byzantium and is called Istanbul today.)

49. Name the Seven Sacraments.

50. Which sacrament does every Christian receive?

51. Name the Corporal Works of Mercy (there are seven).

52. Pick one of the Six Precepts of the Church and tell why you think it is especially important.

53. "Pride" is often' called the worst of the Seven Deadly Sins. Pick another one of the seven and tell why you think it is especially "deadly."

54. A prayer that has been popular since the Middle Ages is called "the Rosary." It now traditionally consists of 15 "decades" where we think about certain "mysteries" in the lives of Our Lord and Our Lady. These mysteries are in three groups of five: the Joyful; the Sorrowful; and the Glorious. Take one of these groups and name the five mysteries in that group. (If you can't think of a mystery's title, then describe what event is remembered in that mystery.)

55. Over her history of nearly 2,000 years, the Church has been divided many times. Some of these divisions have never been completely healed. For example, the year 1054 is when "the Great Schism" between East and West occurred. The year 1517 is often cited as the beginning of the Protestant Reformation. Say something about either one of these two historical events that have seriously affected Christian unity.

56. Name your patron saint and write something about him or her.

57. Name a favorite saint besides your patron saint, and write something about him or her.

58. Name your favorite Holy Day of Obligation (besides Christmas).

59. In what continent is the Holy Land? A. Europe, B. Asia, C. Africa, D. Australia.

60. Ecumenical Councils are meetings when bishops from all over the world come together. Some Councils have been held in places like Nicaea and Ephesus, in what is now Turkey, or in places like Trent, Italy. The most recent Council was held from 1962 to 1965. What name or title is given to this Council?

61. Since Old Testament times, God's people have practiced "fasting." In Lent, for example, adult Catholics "fast" on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. (And during Lent all Catholics abstain from eating meat on Fridays.) We also "fast" for at least an hour before receiving the Eucharist. What do we mean by "fast" and why do you think we do it?

62. What is the Christian virtue of chastity, and why is it important?

63. The Church has four signs or "marks." The Church is (fill in the blanks): One, _____, Catholic, and _________.

64. Why did God make you?

Older readers will note that the last question of this exam is the first question of the old Baltimore Catechism. It's a good question with which to end, for it remains the basic question (and as coaches are fond of saying, success is built on mastery of "the fundamentals").

I know I have to do some research!

2006-07-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

And thus it has come to pass...

Something we all knew was coming down the pass one day was confirmed by my father when I saw him this morning. This something should have been done ten years ago, but all understand why action wasn't taken at that point.

My brother and his wife are divorcing.

It is nothing surprising; it has been a farce for nearly fifteen out of the nineteen years they have been married. The first four weren't all that great, either, but tolerable.

Dad called it from day one: when Bro brought her home to introduce her as his fiancee, they left to go dancing, and there was a long silence. Then, Dad said in a sad voice, "That b***h is going to be trouble." Mom and I pooh-poohed him... but we found out in short order that she was, indeed, trouble, a long list that would take up too much room.

One of the main reasons my brother stuck to it was the very real threat that he would lose his children. His wife has been a little psycho for years; the psychob***h insinuated that my father would molest their children at one point (this was her justification for denying my parents their grandchildren), an insinuation that caused outrage from the top down. Dad was astounded; my poor mother came to me in tears, and after telling me what had transpired, she said, "Your father is not a perfect man, but he is a gentleman, and a kind man," but this accusation was over the top. It broke her heart. "He doesn't deserve this." That was about fifteen years ago. So, the reasoning goes, if she could try and pin something so heinous on Dad, what would she try and pin on my brother if he started divorce proceedings?

It's a first in our family; while it probably should have been done years ago, and while nobody advocates divorce, we all understand and really, it's overdue. I feel sorry for the kids, but my nephew just shrugged, and my niece isn't surprised either (they're 18 and not quite 16, respectively).

And, while there's been tension between myself and my brother for years, I am sorry, so very very sorry. She's going to try to clean him out if she can--not that she needs it; she has a trust and all that. It's just spite. She wants the house, alimony, child support (my niece is almost 16, so not too much longer on that), and whatever else. Nasty grasping harpy.

"But you're Catholic," sneers the cynic from the balcony. "You can't get divorced."

The Church has never wavered on its stance that marriage is a sacrament not to be taken lightly, and not to be disposed of lightly. If in fact my brother pursued an annulment, I think he might get it with some of the incidents that have happened over the years.

I don't think my brother has taken it lightly. I think he's tried, especially for the sake of the kids, although I have to be fair and say he is not blameless. I do know they went to a counselor. I also know that things as they have been can't go on, especially with the poor kids. The kids are sad but know that things can't go on like this.

Via my dad I sense that he's taking it hard. It's been a tough year: Mama dying, his mother-in-law grievously ill, and now this. 2006 has been, in the infamous words of the Queen of England, his annus horribilus.

So I pray for my brother and for his beautiful kids... and that it gets itself done as soon as possible.

2006-07-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

Fire On the Mountains... San Bernardino N.F.

I swear, this is the decade of the Berdue… the Big Nasty a couple of years ago in the Front Country and now this. I hope the Angeles takes a break. More information here.

To break up the seriousness of the gravity of the fire situation on the San Bernardino, here is a piece of old humor. For those who have not a clue what wildland fire entails, this gives you a quick idea of what it’s like in a humorous slant.

For my former crewmates and pals from the Berdue, and all those who are fighting wildland fires this year, especially at the one in Joshua Tree… oh, yay, JT… and Cabazon... BE SAFE OUT THERE!

WHEN THE FIRE SEASON IS DONE

One day we will all be returning to a normal life, and it may not be easy. Here are some tips for a slow, sure withdrawal from fireline life:

Make a tape recording of helicopters flying overhead so you can replay it for yourself when you go to bed.

Turn on all the lights in your bedroom before trying to sleep.

Put your stinky, dirty socks beneath your pillow.

Sprinkle some dirt and pine needles on your sheets.

Have the paper deliverer honk their horn for you at 4:00 a.m. A lot.

During the day, turn on a stove burner on to warm and sit on it. Make a sandwich, sit on it, then go and drop it in the dirt in the flower bed. Go and stand beside a full smelly garbage can when you eat it.

Twice a day, hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. (Pulaskis can really appreciate this one! ...Me!)

If you carpool to work, ride in the trunk. Then, tell your carpool driver to forget to pick you up when it’s time to go home.

In the evening, at home, start a fire in the fireplace, close the damper, shut off all the lights and read by flashlight.

For breakfast, cook a nice omelet, pour a cup of coffee, refrigerate both for 15 minutes before putting them on the table. Then, lay your head in the plate and go to sleep.

Veterans of firelines, especially hotshot folks, can add volumes to this old piece of humor I found one time. It could go on and on.

Pray for the firefighters and for all the people whose homes and livelihoods are threatened by these two rompin, stompin fires.

2006-07-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

What is Your “Thorn in the Side”?

I went to Mass at the Basilica last night, and one of the readings has been sticking in my head since then.

This Sunday’s second reading, II Corinthians 12:7-10, makes mention of something that has driven Biblical scholars nuts forever: what was St Paul’s “thorn in the side” he refers to. There are no concrete clues in the passage as it was read today:

Brothers and sisters:
That I, Paul, might not become too elated,
because of the abundance of the revelations,
a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan,
to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.
Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me,
but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is made perfect in weakness.”
I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses,
in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults,
hardships, persecutions, and constraints,for the sake of Christ;
for when I am weak, then I am strong.

The topic ends at this point.

The footnote in my New American/St Joseph’s Bible says this about the thorn reference: “variously interpreted as a sickness or physical disability, a temptation, or a handicap connected with his apostolic activity. But since the Hebrew ‘thorn in the flesh,’ like English ‘thorn in the side,’ refers to persons, Paul may be referring to some especially persistent and obnoxious opponent.”

No matter the attribution, it’s a powerful passage. A friend from the SFO called today to see when we could get together this week to discuss various matters, and she brought up this reading that she'd listened to at Mass this morning. It was ironic because I was reading the above passage online when she called. I wasn't the only one the reading touched.

Thorn in the side… three times… keep me from being elated. It tells that Paul’s apostolic days were not rosy (not that any of the apostles had it easy!), that he had difficulties from within and without; that whatever this ‘thorn’ was, that it was intolerable to the point where he asked the Lord to take it away not once, but three times. Christ had risen from the worst of treatments, to a criminal’s death. He had asked the Father to take that cup from him in the Garden—as Paul has asked here—and both of them had to submit: Christ for the sake of His Father, Paul for the “sake of Christ.”

But what does that mean for us?

To use a tired expression, we all have our crosses. Some are not as crushing as others, but all have the tendency to make the bearer beg for a break. As Mother Teresa said—and something I used as my email signature for the longest time—“I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle; I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” And, essentially, this is what the Lord told Paul. In our vernacular, “suck it up and trust Me.”

It is only human to want to dump our personal crosses. But it is God’s grace to us, as it was said here, that enables us to bear so much. “My grace,” He said, “is sufficient for you,” He said. Sufficient for his every need in his mission, and to overcome whatever angel of Satan was persecuting him.

Notice that there is a positive spin on this, that Paul discovered positive value in his pain: it “keeps me from being too elated.” Overconfidence, perhaps, in his preaching? Or overconfidence due to the visions he alluded to? Also, he has reached a contentment that shall be borne out despite the hardships because God is with him. Christ dwells with him in his weaknesses, thereby becoming all the stronger… as He does for all of us, if we just look for Him.

Which begs for our personal reflection: who and what are the thorns in our lives? Do we trust in His grace and mercy to get through the tough parts of life? Do we truly understand that Christ helps those who are weak if they only believe?

Who/what are the thorns in your life?
How do you deal with them?
Are you resolute in shouldering them?
Or do you try and palm them off as someone else’s problem?
Do you trust God to help you?

God trusted Christ to bear his burden; Christ trusted Paul to carry his. God trusts that we will handle ours.

But do we?

2006-07-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Tired Ramblings from a Tired Mind

I know I’ve been quiet lately; so much on my mind and so much going on. I think “There’s a topic!” only to have the whole thing in my head swept away as something else is plopped on my plate. In a nutshell…

The most significant thing to happen to me in the last post is seeing my almost-sixteen year old niece for the first time in almost twelve years. She is the only granddaughter in this family, and if we had been allowed, we would have spoiled the girl rotten. I would have recognized her anywhere, because except for the obvious maturing process, her face has not changed a bit. The smiling eyes, the beaming smile… the only difference being that her hair has become almost as dark as her mother’s. Bright, brilliant and beautiful. I loved her when she was little and I love her now, this sprite. One of the last things she said was, “I don’t understand why it took eleven years…” I don’t either, babe. I really don’t. Not my doing or yours.
Her brother is starting college next month. It doesn’t seem possible that I was there when he was born eighteen Julys ago, but here we are. He’s going for engineering. My God. It makes me feel old, except that I was only sixteen when he was born. So, I am not THAT old.
I really really really really really really REALLY want to go to a Dallas Cowboys game in Dallas. I’ve been a Dallas fan since I was tiny, and used to go when they’d come and play the Cards here in Phoenix… but that experience sucks and I’d rather not give any of my money to the Bidwells. It would probably be towards October or November, providing the money is free… but what fun that would be! Unfortunately, tickets are astronomical. We’ll see. And besides, I find it interesting that Big Mouth Owens has been quiet as a church mouse lately. I fainted when he did sign with the Cowboys… can Parcells curb his monster ego and motor mouth? Time will tell. In any case…. GO BOYS!!!
Now that I’ve gained kind of a bird’s eye view of our legal system from my fledgling career as a legal secretary, I can honestly say it’s massively screwed up. Due to confidentiality rules I can’t really say what particular matter I’m thinking of, but I can say that one can sue someone NOT AT FAULT in an incident and drive said defendants into bankruptcy. Pardon the language, but that is BULLSHIT. No wonder the costs of everything are going up.
The rain of crap never ends. Once poor Mom died, and all the upheaval subsided, I thought that maybe things can be quiet for awhile. NOPE. Dad not only has developed early macular degeneration, but if he doesn’t start taking care of himself, will wind up doing dialysis in a couple of years. My #2 brother is having some health problems as well. Pray that these things remain minor. …please, God…
TJ has a new job. Sounds good so far.
In SFO news, I am being pushed to select a mentor. It’s hard. How do you pick when you see some of these people only once a month? The ones I would pick have some big things going on, so I don’t want to add to their chaos. I shall have to really reflect on that.
Friends from the sponsoring fraternity have really pushed the charismatic end of things on me lately… come join us, or take this book, or we are to gather and share on Eliza… and because Father Evan is no fool, and because I know several dear friends involved with this, I’m inclined to give this movement the benefit of the doubt. That, however, slowly erodes when one of those dear friends, who is a “believer,” sends me an e-mail saying, “As you already know there is a group of diciples [sic] going to see… ” Tell me, which word bothers you like it did me? Not so much that it’s spelled wrong, but it’s the usage of the word. Disciple. It really bothers me.
The monsoon season started this week with a nice long rain. More, please.

I’m going to stop here. I am having problems sleeping and I’m actually going to bed at a decent hour tonight—maybe not to sleep, but to rest.

2006-06-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Fish, Fire and a Friar Feast

A Fish Story
No, I'm not talking about fish on Fridays. I'm depressed about our goldfish tank. You see, my father-in-law, as he was taking care of the pets while we were in the Carolinas, thought it would be a nice surprise thing to do if he went and added a fish to our tank to replace the koi we lost a few months back. We only noticed it the day after we got back, which elicited some choice cuss words. It would have been cool except, firstly, he picked the ugliest damn goldfish I have ever seen. We call him/her/it "Bottlenose."

Second, we knew from previous experience that TJ's dad is not especially careful in selecting fish, and we figured we'd have some problems as we had no idea where he got the fish--probably Petco, who are notorious for infected fish (Grrr!!).

Then, finally, last week we noticed "Comet," the one we thought was a feeder goldfish that turned out to be a dang pretty one (brighter orange, longer tail, nice dorsal fin) with personality, had red splotches along his dorsal fin and near his tail--and his fins were shredded. Bottlenose had been picking on Comet, so I figured that's where his fins got shredded. Otherwise, looked it up, figured it was bacterial. Red patches clear up, except for weird, knobby white growths along the shredded dorsal fin. We figure we're on the road to recovery... except I noticed that Comet was "flashing" against the filter intake. But it didn't ring a bell. Yet.

To make a long story short, Bottlenose came to us infected with anchor worms, probably fish lice, and God only knows what else. He was in the tank four days before we got home from NC, and... holy cow.

Anchor worms are REPULSIVE (I'm nauseated at the thought of parasites--I shuddered at a tick on TJ's leg in NC that I removed), and nearly impossible to eradicate once they get a foothold, or headhold, or whatever. Once they start hatching and latching around the gills and mouth, it's pretty much over. The fish suffocates (gills) or starves (mouth), or both. I watched poor Comet suffering, and I apologized to him silently over and over, sorry I didn't trust my gut feeling when I saw him flashing.

Comet died on Friday morning, which really depressed me. My afternoon was spent in a rage as I spotted worms--actually they are crustaceans--on all the other fish, and angrily contemplated the possibility of losing the entire tank. For all of my brother's and my indifferent fish parenting as kids, our fish of several varieties, including goldfish, never never NEVER got parasites--ich and other nice lil diseases, sure--but not parasites. None of TJ's tanks did either. I was pissed! pissed! pissed! on Friday afternoon, all because F-i-L "meant well." Sorry to say: BULLSH*T. TJ told his dad to NEVER do that again.

*sigh*

Needless to say, we're dosing the hell out of the tank--did before Comet died, but too late to save him. Bottlenose isn't looking too hot, with the nasty things sprouting from his face, gills, and fins. "Tiny," the last of the feeders, *seems* to be hanging in there; the damn anchor worms are almost longer than that fish. Our last beautiful orange/black/white koi, Spot, seems to be okay, but he too is flashing and has that sprouting that poor Comet had on his dorsal fin. One anchor worm along his dorsal, none on his face yet.

It pisses me off that we will probably lose the whole tank for one stupid fish we had no say in getting. I know TJ's dad meant well, but damn it all--we'd just gotten the environment stabilized. We could live with the algae blooms that look like hell but don't bother the goldfish, because they eat algae anyway.

I know they are "just" fish, but when we care for the well being of a creature we deliberately obtain, we get attached to them--and to have them decimated for the reasons outlined above...

*goes off, muttering to self, averting gaze from tank at all costs*

Fire On the Mountain
Father Wade Menezes of the Fathers of Mercy (the picture does no justice--*fans self furiously*) was at our parish today; he is of the same order of Father David Wilton who spoke so eloquently yet forcefully at the beginning of Lent in re penance and confession. I was intrigued by the fact that I do believe I spied a cassock and a white lace alb (!) under the vestments. Black shoes, black pants, cassock, alb, and then the white vestments appropriate for the Feast of Corpus Christi. But a cassock and lace!! Now, I was born post-Vatican II, yet I know what it is--and I have never seen a priest wear one until today. I was impressed. And this of a priest only seven years my senior. WOW. But on a day where it's 110... oof... he better drink lots of water.

He also impressive in other areas as well: I didn't think that anyone could out-chant Father Vince at the Basilica, but now I have found someone who puts Fr Vince to shame. I can only describe it as an 'otherworldly' voice. I closed my eyes... he has that talent of modulating his voice and volume to where it seems like it's surrounding you. It was amazing. That is what one of the angels must sound like.

But don't be misled by his chant talents and the face and build worthy of modeling--he had a barnburner of a homily, starting with a talk on the Feast of Corpus Christi and the whole theology of it, backing it up with the sixth chapter of John. He expounded on how Luther never intended to leave the Church, never intended on messing with Marian theology, and would probably cry if he knew that his little movement has produced 23,000 splinter groups in Christianity--and to pray for our separated brethren. He quoted from church fathers such as John Chrysostom and Cyril of Alexandria. He quoted extensively from third and fourth century texts. He challenged all to make a point to do Eucharistic Adoration: "one hour a week!" I was intrigued and interested.

His strong wording (bordering on fiery discourse) ended with "If you go along with gay marriage... abortion... euthanasia... contraception... cloning... eugenics... in this Culture of Death, then you have no right to come up here and receive the Body and Blood of Christ!" By the time he was done, you could hear a pin drop on the carpet. I surreptitiously looked around and saw many sitting bolt upright and looking mighty uncomfortable; however, many were quietly smiling, or bunching a fist and muttering, "YES!" as the lady in front of me did, she and her husband smiling at one another. I just smiled. He hit home, which is his purpose--he wants people uncomfortable. He's winnowing out the weak and the ambivalent. He only pounded on what the Church has preached and taught forever.

I always find it curious that it's always the mission/preaching fathers who do these topics. Every once in awhile I hear a deacon punctuate discourses with these teachings. It's a no-brainer, really: pastors don't touch the topics of sin and hell and all those topics that make people squirm or make people mad, because it's the foofy-cloud God and the pacifist-peacenik Jesus that puts the bread in the basket, so to speak. Poor Father Hoorman, you know he's going to get nailed with complaints after today's Masses.

The fact that Fr Hoorman has the Fathers of Mercy at the parish speaks volumes. He wants his parishioners challenged. He wants them to know that Catholicism is not a passive religion. And I guarantee you that Fr Wade or Fr David will never see the walls of St Paul in Moon Valley, or of St Timothy in Mesa, or parishes like them. Oh, heavens, no.

I would LOVE to see Father Wade (CPM) vs. Father Larry (OFM) in a debate: fiery hardliner vs. peacenik liberal. I would charge admission--it would be great and educational. Think SMACKDOWN!! heh heh...

I was cruising the Internet on some other items on Father Wade, and in that search I found the best technical (as opposed to a general, watered/dumbed-down) explanation to fend off those who think we "worship" Mary and the Saints. From an article on Eucharistic Adoration, he wrote:

"The Blessed Sacrament receives latria: worship due God alone. Whereas the saints and angels receive dulia (veneration) and the Blessed Virgin Mary receives hyper-dulia (the highest of veneration), the Triune Godhead alone receives latria which is “worship” properly speaking (and not veneration). And because the Blessed Sacrament is the Second Person of the Most Holy Trinity—truly Present in His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity—the Eucharist, too, receives latria."*

I think this is a nice explanation to counter accusations of cookie-worship and idol-worship.

There is a quote Fr Wade used in that same article that I love, from St. Jose María Escrivá, the founder of Opus Dei: “When you approach the tabernacle, remember that He has been awaiting you for 20 centuries.” Try wrapping your brain about that. Wow.

Fabulous Feast of a Friar
To end on an even more positive note, this past Tuesday was St Anthony's Day, yes he of the Lost and Found patronage. I love St Anthony of Padua. I have a chat with him at least once a week. I've done "Tony's Tuesdays" as much as I can, which is a neat novena. Next year I want to do a St Anthony's party.

But St Anthony wasn't just about finding things, he was a fabulous preacher and teacher, and got St Francis' permission to have books and to teach theology, which Francis was against as it went contrary to his ideals of simplicity. He was originally of the Augustinian order, but switched over when he saw the procession of the bodies of the first Franciscan martyrs.

His patronages include, but not limited to: animals, barrenness, faith in the Blessed Sacrament, fishermen, Lisbon, Portugal (where he was born); lost articles, mail (I find this curious!), mariners, Padua, Italy (where he lived); poor people, sailors, seekers of lost articles, sterility, and watermen.

O gentle and loving St. Anthony, whose heart was ever full of human sympathy, whisper my petition into the ears of the Sweet Infant Jesus, who loved to be folded in your arms, and the gratitude of my heart will ever be yours.
Amen. (Say 13 Paters, Aves, and Glorias)

St. Anthony, performer of miracles, pray for us.

______________________
* from Catholics United for Faith website, "An Answer to A Crisis of Faith: Adoring the Lord in the Year of the Eucharist" by Fr Wade L.J. Menezes, CPM, 2005

2006-06-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

In Memoriam

(6/11/1961-5/7/1991)
Happy Birthday! Can't believe you have been gone for fifteen years. We miss you, and know that you and Mom are together again. Pray for us--especially Dad--remaining here below.

Rest in Peace.

2006-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

Some Thoughts and Then Some Links

It's Official
Well, as of last weekend, I am now a Candidate of the Secular Franciscan Order. I have to say that this last year of my life has been an eye opener and has opened incredible spiritual vistas. I have a long way to go (I have two years to work on it), and I have a definite need for self discipline in terms of my personal prayer life. But that is what Inquiry is all about--that time of discernment, asking oneself, "Is this right for me?" Candidacy is the acknowledgement of the attraction of the Franciscan charism, and taking on the responsibility of that internal "conversion" as addressed in the Gospel--or as the Rule says "Gospel to Life and Life to Gospel."

Which leads me to...
Today's Morning of Recollection with one of the Friars from The Casa.

In our last Meeting, my Fraternity spoke of the Franciscan Family--not just the SFO, but all of the Family of St Francis: the First, Second, and Third Orders. The First Order includes the Order of Friars Minor ("OFM"), OFM-Conventuals, and OFM-Capuchins); second Order is regarding the Poor Clares; the Third Order, which started out as the Brothers and Sisters of Penance, then later split into the Third Order Secular and Third Order Regular. The Third Order Secular is the SFO today. The Third Order Regular (TOR) is distinct from the SFO in that while they are in the secular world, they live a communal life, dedicating themselves to works of mercy; others live in remote places as hermits. A good capsule of history can be found here.

But all of these encapsulate the Franciscan Family within the Church. Unfortunately, the Seculars are kind of the "stepchildren" of the gang, and sometimes the First and Second Orders have treated the Seculars as... how do I say it? Not as important, I suppose. Fortunately for us, Fr. Larry Dolan, OFM, gladly came to speak to us today. He walked in as we were doing the Liturgy of the Hours--this after we had completed the Divine Mercy Chaplet. He smiled broadly, and said he was happy and encouraged that we were doing such prayer.

Instead of a pat speech, this former teacher, onetime pastor, and current director of The Casa read the SFO Rule, plucked out parts, and began a discussion, and highlighting the differences in the Friars' Rule opposed to the SFO Rule. He also had some remarks that made for hard chewing, and then some encouraging things to say about Catholicism as a whole.

Speaking About Catholicism:
On the flights to and from North Carolina, I read a book by The Pope Formerly Known As Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger™ called "Salt of the Earth." Definitely put it on your must-read list. It's worth putting aside the considerable time to read and digest what Papa Ratzi said in this interview with a journalist, including Papa's rebuttal, "I understood your question." I love that man.

Prayer Corner--Add to Your Prayer List
For Deacon Phil Simeone (recovering from successful knee replacement surgery) and Father Alonso de Blas, OFM (who stayed a week at St Joe's due to lymph problems), these two wonderful dedicated servants of God are home and recovering nicely, but can always use a good word or two with God from all;

For the happy repose of the soul of Monsignor Tom, who we know is cradled in His palm;

For the joy and gratitude for FIFTY years of service of Father Evan Howard, OFM; a lovely man and a dedicated Franciscan servant of Christ, and the former (retired) pastor of St Mary's;

For vocations, and for the Diocese's two newly ordained priests, John Greb and John Lankeit (CONGRATULATIONS!), for the new seminarians beginning their studies (two coming from my parish!), and for those who continue their studies, may the Holy Spirit continue to guide and protect them, and have the courage to overcome the increasing secularism in the world;

For all those serving in our Armed Forces; for those who serve in our goverment and all governments throughout the world;

For the renewal of the family;

and for the protection of His Church.

We adore Thee, Our Most Holy Lord, Jesus Christ, in all Thy churches which are in the world, and we bless Thee, because by Thy Holy Cross, Thou hast redeemed the world.

If you would like your intentions posted, email me.

For Your Catholic Browsing Pleasure!
For folks such as Barbara, Mark, and Jennifer, I think it'd be nice to show where I wander off to on the Internet when I'm not dawdling and procrastinating entering into my own blog, paying bills, or spending way too much time playing World of Warcraft.

Some Blogs I Read:

The Curt Jester
Shrine of the Holy Whapping - oh, that I were so clever and witty! Or an ND alum!! <>
Dappled Things
Canticle of Chiara
Whispers in the Loggia

And many many more.

In terms of actual websites, of course there's www.vatican.va, and here we have www.diocesephoenix.org, but tonight I will list some saved to my personal favorites list. I'm a linkaholic, so I won't list every single site... although many I that I have I found through various blogs or wandering for brain food.

Some Websites to Browse:

USCCB - a must have
Catholic Online - and they have a very good forum as well, very informational
The National Fraternity of the Secular Franciscan Order (USA)
St Clare Emerging Fraternity
Five Franciscan Martyrs SFO Region --an excellent resource
Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration (Black Canyon City, AZ--YAY)
Inside the Vatican
Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity (Thank you, Mark!)
National Cursillo Center - (I highly recommend making your Cursillo to take Catholic spirituality to the next level- De Colores!)
The Franciscan Experience - a great read

Again, there are many many more, enough to make my hard drive groan because of sheer number. But it's a glimpse of where I go and what I read.

It's getting late, and I serve at early Mass tomorrow. The Lord give you His peace.

2006-06-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

Requiescat In Pace: Monsignor Tom Zazella

After a hectic week on the east coast with minimal email access, I finally had a chance while I was in Raleigh-Durham to look, and in my inbox was the simple title: Msgr Tom Zazella, and I knew then what it had to be. I knew also that I would miss all the services here in town. So tonight I shall pray for the repose of the soul of a beloved priest.

Diocesan announcement

NJ Obituary

He was only 62. My stars, that's too young.

Pray for his family and for those he loved. Certainly we here will miss him.

2006-05-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

No Wonder the Youth is Disinterested and Disenchanted

Well, it got itself done, the class of catechumens were duly sealed with the Holy Spirit and they are on their way. I can't say that my first foray into sponsoring a teenager was exactly exciting. Niece was appropriately and beautifully dressed (if not a little too maturely), and did the deed, and read her part of the Intentions very well, our little lawyer did.

Bp Olmsted: Be sealed with the Holy Spirit
Niece: Amen (thinking: halfway there!)
Bp Olmsted: Peace be with you.
Niece: and also with you. (now leave me alone forever, and I'm never, ever coming back)

And she said her responses without a shred of sincerity--no surprise for a girl who, in her sterile thank you note to me, ended with, "your interest in the process is very refreshing." Just smacking of insincerity. Ugh. And the whole thing saddened me beyond measure. Her only thought when we got to our pew was that the chrism was going to make her forehead break out. I know she's a teenager, but really... some gravity was appropriate at that time.

We were fortunate to be in the first couple of mobs to go up (90 kids confirmed in this Mass), so I got to people watch. Most kids dressed appropriately, many sponsors did not. How interesting. Also interesting as to how the usually impassive pastor jumped whenever Da Bish even raised an eyebrow... or even the Deacon that came with Da Bish. That Deacon from the Diocese, he made things smooth. Old pro.

Let's talk about really refreshing: Da Bish obviously enjoys administering the Sacrament, it shows on his face and in his movements. His homily also reflected that, once he got past his initial stilted start, he really got into it, but in his quiet and sincere way. He is no showman. He is truly happy in his vocation, and enjoys it immensely. I lurve Da Bish, for this and many other reasons.

To be honest, Niece wasn't the only one disconnected, disdainful, and disinterested. There were plenty in this parish that had some familiar Phoenix power bloc names that were in her boat: too sophisticated to be interested in this whole uncool crap. Most of the kids were somewhere in between: they were OK with it, they accept the teachings, but it really hit no deep chord.

But there were others, some with shy smiles, others with bright and brilliant smiles, whose faces really shined as they replied to Da Bish, "and also with you." Those were the kids who got it, they were the ones who heard the Lord quietly knocking on their inner doors. It was neat to see. You can't stage that.

There were other, less happy things during this Confirmation Mass.

The altar hangings looked like the 3rd grade did them, although it was obvious that an adult did them. Third graders would have done better, methinks. The silly tableau on the altar steps was just... well... silly: candles and posterboard and bright, shiny taffeta. The silk floral swag draped on the Crucifix was all right (although I don't know how really acceptable it is), except that it obscured His face. All these things are to be expected in the maverick post-Vatican II Church in America. Butt-ugly artistic expressions are a way of life--they may be sincere and have the best of intentions, but one only has to look at the new cathedral in Los Angeles to understand what I mean. Ugh.

But the music!!!!! Oh, my God, the music--!!!! *retch*

A friend of mine whoI was in the choir with would have called them "frustrated lounge singers," and that is being kind. Very kind. A lackluster and sloppily dressed choir, a pianist who pounded dramatically on the keys, a drummer who thought he was a solo act, and the lead/cantor who belongs in a hotel bar in a wanna-be Doris Day kind of way. The Hosanna and Alleluia were one of those horrific blues-crossed-with-jazz deals and ol' Doris up there was scat singing... no, she was caterwauling!
Ahhh-lay loooooooooooo hooooooo hoo hoo yoo yyyyyyyyaaaaayyyaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...!

I fervently wished for earplugs at that point, because it got worse. Much worse.

I kept seeing the Lawrence Welk singers in my head at Communion as the bland tune was sung over and over, with another un-charming scat session by ol' Dumb Dora. So distracting--I could barely concentrate on my wee chat with Da Big Guy. You see, God, it's like this... and, later: Blessed Mother, after witnessing this, intercede for all of us...

The recessional was so secular that I felt it belonged to a high school over-achievers rally instead of a sending forth song in a Catholic Church--"go out and make a difference!"--never mind that for a moment I felt I was at a Baptist revival with people's arms waving and clapping. Having had the honor of being a part of an excellent Catholic parish choir, this made my ears bleed.

But that's not all!

Ushers in shorts and Hawaiian print shirts! An altar server in a red robe and white alb wearing the very Van tennies that were all the rage in 1986! The one next to him wore grubby loosely-laced tennies, again a la 1986. And, for criminy sakes, could some of these kids wash and comb their hair just for today? Some of the parents were just as bad. Shorts again and everywhere. Our family was almost overdressed. And, please, don't get started on the socioeconomic end of things; let's just say that this parish sits in a nice pricey part of town. It's no excuse anyway--I've been to less financially fortunate parishes, and many of them dress MUCH better than this one this past weekend. You are in the Lord's House--act and dress accordingly.

Is it really so hard?

This capped a sad and long journey that has explained to me why the Da Vinci Code is a big deal. In a way, the Church has only itself to blame. The Catechism which is taught is so weak these days that Catholics do not know how to answer questions about their faith, let alone defend attacks against it. That's what Confirmation is about, being ready and willing to defend our faith. But no, we're so worried about how people feel, rather than just teaching the Truth, that the Truth gets lost in the muck and the kumbaya crap.

Case in point was the "retreat" for Candidates, Sponsors and Parents the weekend before last. Things are run by a Suze Orman clone--not that she doesn't have a hell of a load getting 180 kids prepped for confirmation (God save her!), but Holy and Dear Sweet Mother, if there were any more "small group activities," both myself and my sister-in-law were about to puke. It was just too damn cutesy, run too much like a corporate training ice-breaker session, and too much emphasis placed on "feelings" that nobody gained anything from the six hours we sat in the parish center.

So, big deal if a local news guy, who happens to be a parishioner, has a presentation, playing tag team with his wife. It was a space filler and a plug for his little pet project, and a little too late to be preaching social service to a bunch of kids who just wanted to go swimming or go to their friends' houses. I know for a fact that many of those kids didn't do squat, although they were required to do some kind of social service.

Worse, however, was the mangling of the Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit. How in the hell do you get that screwed up? I keep a holy-card-sized thingy on my computer here, given to me by a dear friend at my own Confirmation 4 years ago. Wisdom, Knowledge, Counsel, Fortitude, Understanding, Piety, Fear of the Lord. Not that hard, huh?
(hmmm.... sounds like a future reflection!)

Well!

Somehow compassion got in there, and awe instead of fear, smooshed wisdom and knowledge together with empathy, and they politically corrected them and watered them down to the point that even my barely-practicing and skeptical sis-in-law was like, "huh?" The adults were scratching their heads and the kids were confused, then bored. It was a waste of time. A very important point in Catechism was diminished by a crummy Powerpoint presentation with a wishy-washy speaker. It's really too bad.

I wish I had attended some of the actual catechism classes, but on the other hand I probably would have found more fodder for my disdain for this whole mess.

When the kids (and adult!) catechumens aren't guided/taught correctly, their facts get muddled. When the facts concerning their faith get muddled, they start to not care because that foundation begins to feel a little unstable. Add to that the lack of reverence within their own parish (in addition to the above, at one of the Confirmation meetings, kids were eating Carl's Jr in the baptistry! And there's more... much more... ugh), plus the uninspiring music... and the parental carelessness... no wonder they tune out.

The Baltimore Catechism sure is looking attractive after what I've witnessed in these last several months. It really is.

2006-05-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

Why I love Julie... and her Thought Provoking Posts

Wandering my usual list of blogs, I always try to keep up on Julie on "A Little Pregnant." Today's post was excellent as usual, and an excellent reason why I love reading her opines: sassy, funny, and even if she doesn't agree, she'll at least be fair. Strongly disagree, even, but still be open to the opposing view.

The comments range from "SO archaeic and ridiculous" to "Profoundly out of touch" to "The Catholic church is only going to keep losing members if it doesn't modernize its policies." There are the those who post and say that they're Catholic and then rail against the rules. Well, you know what's up, the Church's stance has never been a secret. Why cry now?

And then there are the tiny minority, like Catholicgirl ("No one should be made to feel shame or doubt for being Catholic, either, but these comments are making me feel like s**t"), the personal attestation by Ktcakes, the "I'm tired of the Catholic bashing" from P, Jennifer's great comment, and the excellent discourse from Arwen, which is really a good read on Julie's comments page for this particular post (wanna teach RCIA?). Otherwise, it's a sad discourse on those who don't really have a good idea of what the Church's stance is on life. It saddened me to the point of commenting.

Like I commented, it's not easy being Catholic... and it isn't for everyone. And Cath-Girl, don't be ashamed, nothing to be ashamed of, hon.

My personal viewpoint is still a little muddled when it comes to assisted reproduction. TJ and I have been trying now for over three years and nothing. Doctors won't really look at me until he gets tested, but these days TJ barely has time to breathe, so nothing has happened yet. I cringe at the thought of forking over the cash just for the hysterosalpingogram to see if anything's blocked (insurance won't cover). And what if it's me? What then?

My ectopic pregnancy almost two years ago scared the daylights out of both of us--it's sobering when a doctor says to me that he may have to remove half of my reproductive system (he thankfully didn't have to, but hoo-boy...). It was in that hounded-by-demons-from-Hell period that I tripped over Julie's blog (and Tertia's, and NakedOvary's, etc) because I was looking up methotrexate and things equally as scary.

MTX is naaaaasty stuff, but it saved me from a potential surgery that probably would have resulted in terrible scarring in all the wrong places if I want a child. I had seen the abnormality in my fallopian tube before the technician did--and there was no heartbeat, just tissue continuing to grow (molar pg?). But I always hear this tiny whisper, what if it had been? And then I remember that it could have killed me if it had gone undetected. And then again... what if...? It was an emotional and physical path of horror.

So I could understand a part of Julie's path... and what keeps me coming is her wicked humor, sparkling snarkfests, and shameless trolling for assvice. And her fairness, forgiveness, and openness. She possesses grace under fire, although the shots are from needles rather than from guns... and she's jumping into the battleground once more, God bless her. Brave lady.

Terrifying events like ectopics makes you consider what is life, and where it starts, and how it starts.

What if I get to the point where I will have to go to a specialist? I'll do it, I think, not for ego but, like any woman headed to that scary one-way street with an unknown end, the whole point is the creation of life, the ardent desire to have that new life, the baby, the positive as opposed to anything negative. It's not a chosen road, not by a long shot. We women (and men) envy the Britneys of the world, able to pop them out with nary a thought or consideration for herself, anyone else, and especially the child itself, the most frustrating thing; we struggle to not scream at her insouciance and her ignorance, and people like her.

Now, if and/or when we get to that exit ramp, it doesn't mean I'll defecate on the teachings of my Church in my pursuit of motherhood. I cringe to say it, but there are some things that I have thought long and hard about, and have actually disagreed with the Church. God gave us brains, after all. However, I will not smear said feces all over the catechism, or the dignity of that ancient faith. As my sister naively put it one time, 2000 years can't exactly be wrong. Put before that the parent religion of Judaism for another millenium or so, and it's pretty hard to dismiss the teachings. It has been pretty consistent.

Like I say, the Church thinks in terms of eons, not in the caprices of societal norms. That is how she survives. Like the commenter Jennifer said, "It is a symptom of the contemporary blight that we think we can read a few lines in a badly written internet news piece and dismiss 2000 years of theology and philosophy with a few glib remarks. " Amen, sister.

2006-05-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

EFF-EYE-CEE-TEE-EYE-OH-ENN. Period.

Come on, folks. Or, if you prefer a fancier name, Historical Revisionism.

Because I try to be at least wrist-flick-at-a-fly fair about things, I must confess I read The DaVinci Code. Because the film is going to be released next week, I had to know what all the hullaballoo was all about. And, no, I'm not wasting money to see Tom Hanks play a role he isn't really appropriate for. I mean, who is going to believe Forrest Gump as a Harvard professor of symbology? And Opie as director? Please. Much as I do like both of them, they are overrated.

Anyway, how do I feel about it?

It's a nice piece of FICTION.

What was it we used to put in our notes to friends in school in the eighties to denote something known to not matter? Oh, yes. B. F. D.

Anyone with a smattering knowledge of Christianity, let alone Catholicism, knows that this is a load of codswallop. Yes, Opus Dei does exist. If it were so secret, you wouldn't know about it. And, as a proud ROMAN CATHOLIC, passably versed in Church history, I can say with a fair amount of comfort that there aren't renegade Orders running around and killing people.

The Priory of Sion--or whatever 'secret society' he claims exists--well, if their whole mission was to debunk it's "mortal enemy," I think it would have been a long time ago. Well, you know, the Reformation would have been a prime point in time to let it all out and wreck it all while Catholicism was almost on its knees and the fledgling Protestant churches were unstable.

And, when one digs around, it's no secret that Brown borrowed heavily from other conspiracy theorists (one presented as being heavily used is Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent). He has presented nothing new. There's nothing in the Louvre. Really.

All it's going to do is this:

Feed the fires of those who don't like Catholicism (or Christianity in any form), or your daily conspiracy theorists, and/or
Further decay the wavering faith of what are referred to Sunday- or Cafeteria-Catholics (or the Protestant equivalent), and/or
Stoke the fire of those who believe in His Truth, no matter the Christian splinter to which they belong.

Now, if this book and movie were about the Belly-Lint Adoration Society, Lutherans, Scientology, Hammertoes Anonymous, Mormonism, Islam, Druidism, extreme right cults, extreme left cults, devil worship, World of Warcraft devotees, Wicca, Buddhism, etc., there would be an uproar that would shake the core of the earth. But because it bashes the Catholics specifically, as well as feeding the extreme feminist core, it seems to be OK within society.

Why is that?

And why is it that you're bad if you're Catholic?

I got a chain email earlier this week, and I was slightly amused.

The Da Vinci Code Lie Exposed

The movie "The Da Vinci Code" staring Tom Hanks, directed by Ron Howard will soon be released in the first part of this year. This movie will have the potential to deceive billions of the world's population. The story line attacks the very heart of the Gospel and attempts to destroy the very nature and character of the Lord Jesus Christ as the Son of God. (Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the Lord, and against His anointed? Psalm 2:1, 2)

[Removed paragraphs of vitriol]

Oswald Chambers states in his timeless writing My Upmost For His Highest ..."Our calling is not primarily to be holy men and women but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God. The one all-important thing is that the Gospel of God should be recognized as the abiding reality" Yet we have to ask ourselves today when this abiding reality comes under direct attack who will defend it? The answer can only be that those of us who have been transformed by it's truth for eternity will and must defend it here and now.

Pray that Christian lay people, prayer leaders, writers, pastors, and all those in Christian media outlets will get the message out and expose this deception of hell and reveal the lie this movie will present before it ever hits the theaters.

...Email this on to everyone you know (don't delete, give it feet) and lets expose this lie for what it is because the hour is late and ... much later than we think.

Also for more research on the web a good start would be at a website called "The Da Vinci Code Hoax" as well as other sites exposing this fraud.

This, after I had already read the book. Well, I'm sure I'm not going to Hell just for reading the book. It's a fact that the book has the standard clause, "This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously..." blabbity blah blah blah. Interesting to note that the "fictional" Swiss bank manager is named Andre Vernet, and yet Brown lists an "Andre Vernet" in his acknowledgements at the front of the book. Hmmm.

Everyone seems to have forgotten that the Church and Opus Dei were exonerated by book's end, manipulated by a rich and greedy member of the British Aristocracy. Interesting.

It's an established fact that the post-Crucifixion translations of the Old Testament corresponds with the nearly 2000 year old Dead Sea Scrolls-remarkably so, and then some. Esther seems to have gone on vacation in the Scrolls, but maybe she'll pop up one day. They do dispel the mystery, or lack thereof, there.

Constantine had nothing to do with the compilation of the Bible we read today. Nada, zip, zilch. Here is a nice essay on where he fits in the story. St. Jerome (c.342-420) translated the Old Testament and New Testament into Latin, which the Dead Sea Scrolls prove that he (and subsequent scribes) did a competent job. Please note that CONSTANTINE was DEAD by the time Jerome was born. Again, I repeat, it's a fallacy that Constantine had anything to do with the selections of the various texts. Constantine died in 337. Jerome was born about 342, and the selection of New Testament books was finally settled at the Council of Carthage, 397. These are historical facts. You figure it out.

I tripped across this site looking things up tonight; that'll be a pleasure read for me later.

But as I cruise the 'Net, I notice three groups: people believing that Brown has presented a huge revelation; those who can credibly discredit the assertions in this book; and those who just look at the whole screaming melee and think, "what is the big deal?"

One curious thing that has not been addressed anywhere: the Roman Catholic Church is also called the Holy Mother Church, and referred to with feminine pronouns and possessives. Those men who have the priestly vocation are said to espouse the Church.

Sacred feminine, indeed.

*sigh*

I hate pop culture.

2006-04-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Rejoice, O Mother Church! Exult in glory!
The risen Savior shines upon you!
(From the Exsultet)

To all the newest guests at Christ's table, welcome! Welcome Home!

Tonight adults in the RCIA programs all over the world were welcomed into the Catholic Church at Easter Vigil Masses--some baptized, some confirmed, some received both of these Sacraments, but all received Communion as full members of the Roman Catholic Church. I can't imagine what a huge leap that is for some people, some of the roads that they've had to travel to get where they are tonight. For others it was as natural as breathing. No matter; they're all here, and all warmly embraced.

Congratulations! And WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME! God bless you!

As you might figure, I went to Easter Vigil tonight with TJ and my Dad at New Parish. Easter Vigil is lovely, one of the most beautiful liturgies in the Church. It was a lovely Mass, entered into a dim church, and the beautiful lighting of the fire and Easter candle--and the chanting of the Exsultet.

There were a LOT of catechumens there tonight to be confirmed, about 30 adults. It swells my heart knowing there are people seeking His Truth, and finding beauty and peace within the Holy Mother Church.

It was a full house, too. That also made me happy. And I joyfully reaffirmed my baptismal promises tonight:

Do you reject Satan? I do.
And all his works? I do.
And all his empty promises? I do.
Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth? I do.
Do you believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, Who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father? I do.
Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting? I do.

It wasn't so long ago that TJ and I were in the Basilica on another lovely evening, but not as spectators, but as participants. TJ got the whole gamut: Baptism, Confirmation, First Communion. I had only the Confirmation part, as I am a cradle Catholic and did have my First Communion back in the Dark Ages. If you've been in the Basilica, then you know how lovely Mass can be there, amongst the stained glass, statuary and the architecture that instinctively made one's eyes move upwards to heaven. Add to it a glorious chorale under that vaulted ceiling, and that sacred moment can make hearts of stone into mush. Even dyed-in-the-wool anti-Catholics marvel over the beauty of the church.

And I get teary-eyed thinking of the enormity of that evening four years ago, and how it's changed my life. Faith is amazing. What a gift!

I was hoping that it wouldn't be the "contemporary" Mass, but it was. I was resigned and focused on the Mass (or trying when the drummer wasn't going nuts), TJ was into it, but my dad was absolutely tuned out. Vatican II pretty much ended his spiritual journey... I can try but I can't make him change. Tonight was to get him out of the house, see something other than the four walls. I think I'll take him to the Tridentine Mass at St Thomas the Apostle when I don't have something on the schedule.

One thing I've noticed this week is that while Dad says he's "out of the fog and into a funk," I invariably see him wistfully gazing at the picture of Mom holding her then-newborn grandson back in 1997. I took that picture, and was delighted when it came out the way it did, capturing Mom at her very best, at her most peaceful. I had told Dad that when I gave #1 brother a copy of that very picture, he had immediately exclaimed, "That's her, that's so Mom." It was also one of the pics chosen for the collage we did. I think I'm going to get an appropriate frame for that instead of what it's in now.

He told me on Friday that he's been thinking about the last forty-nine years... they had been married forty-nine years and almost exactly nine months when she died. Their fiftieth anniversary would have been at the end of June. He ruminated and we talked and I was aware of his sadness as he spoke. The shock is beginning to wear off, I think.

In my own fledgling marriage, forty-nine years seems like forever, unimaginable and something to aspire to. If I lost TJ after four years of marriage I might shrivel up and die... but forty-nine years? How would I handle losing the person I've spent the majority of my lifetime with? My God!

I worry about him, I don't know what to say or do except to be there for him.

May the Morning Star which never sets

find this flame still burning:

Christ, that Morning Star,

who came back from the dead,

and shed his peaceful light on all mankind,

your Son, who lives and reigns for ever and ever. Amen.

(Exsultet, last stanza)

Have a happy and blessed Easter!

2006-04-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Meanderings and Quagmires

It has been two weeks today since Mom died, and I still don't think it's hit me yet. I haven't cried--I've shed tears, but I haven't *really* cried. Maybe I cried myself out in the months, and certainly the week, preceding her death; I have known for a very long time that her time was short, and have wept so much. My only weak time of day is when I am trying to fall asleep. Thursday night, my brain took me down the hall of my parents' house, and I could see is Mom's empty rocking chair, her characteristic red sweater draped on the back... no more Mama. I did cry, but was trying not to wake TJ up. I dozed off sometime after.

Last night, I envisioned her face. Oh, Mama...

I am so grateful that I cannot recall how her face looked at the Visitation/Rosary. Dad decided on the open after we all had seen her. Kim was skillful and really did lovely work; but death is death, and as she was seven days dead, there are things no mortician, no matter the skills, can erase.

Funny, I can recall my poor sister's gaunt face in her coffin 15 years ago, and I had refused to go closer than halfway up the aisle at the mortuary; I cannot for the life of me remember what Mom looked like, and I stood next to the coffin.

God is merciful.

Today is Palm Sunday, and I can't believe it's here already. Next week is Easter. Oh my God.

I'm sponsoring TJ's niece in her confirmation this year. I'm having grave reservations about the whole thing. How does one sponsor a girl who doesn't give a rat's bum, whose heart is hardened, whose mind is inflexible?

I know that it's partly her being the teenage daughter, the only child, of two lawyers--huge entitlement attitude--but I can also understand her disenchantment to a point. Her parish has Suze Orman's little clone running the catechism meetings, with the bane of corporate companies everywhere, the Dreaded and Never Popular "Ice Breaker" being performed on Thursday in the Church proper as part of the "Evening of Prayer"(!!!). The Church being used as a social hall, a quilt over the altar, cruddy and expensive workbooks afraid to use the word "Catholic," references to a feel-good God in a foofy-cloud life, no respect or veneration in the parish--no wonder! She has seen nothing of Her beauty and majesty, this Bride of Christ, and when one can't see that faith that has endured for a millenium, it's hard to bite off on.

She is, for the moment, a liberal crusader: pro-abortion, pro-gay, ardent women's rights advocate. She'll be pro-abortion until she *sees* the effect of what it does, either to the child or to a friend; she's pro-gay because her aunt is a lesbian, and on that score I can hardly blame her; and I'm all right with the women's rights, too, for the most part. But she claims she wants to be a Buddhist, as she's already vegetarian, and blah blah blah. She doesn't really believe God exists... or so she says. Maybe she wants some other religion. "I'm looking into them," she announced haughtily.

I understand she's fifteen going on forty, pushed into a premature sophistication. She's bright and brilliant and privileged and world-traveled. In the top five of her class as a sophomore, already getting letters from various excellent universities, going to hold out for Princeton. She knows what she wants to do with her life, which is wonderful (I wish I had). But I worry about her increasingly reactionary attitudes; the cynicism more appropriate for a bitter, jaded, lonely, drunken old hag in a bar of 46 than for a lovely young woman of not quite sixteen; the elitist attitude she's picked up with the encouragement of her father; and disdain for anyone who hasn't been raised as she has been, riding in the back of a Mercedes like the Queen of England.

It's also hard to sponsor someone who won't really talk to me. It's been true as long as TJ and I have been serious, then engaged, and then through our marriage--about eight years in all. I could chalk up the first years as shyness. I could blame the fact that she and I have not really been allowed to have a full-blown conversation with her in the intervening years--there was always someone around to interrupt, deliberately or not. I can also see the influence of her parents' attitudes of superiority above TJ and I in her, because she has yet to learn how to put that mask on. It's a morass of miscommunication and misunderstanding, exacerbated by an aura of self-importance and materialism encouraged by her parents. We don't wear labels, we don't drive a Mercedes, therefore we are peasants and unworthy of her consideration.

I want to take her to task; for example, I want to ask her which countries are Buddhist and/or have Buddhist factions, then ask her how these countries/cultures treat their women in light of her ardent women's lib position. It's not meant as a disrespect to Buddhists/Buddhism; rather, I want to point out with that example her hypocrisy and bigotry in holding the Catholic Church to a standard she won't apply to any other religion. And Buddhism isn't the only one she's "considering," remember.

But it's the parents, too. Mom would never step foot in the Church if it weren't for Niece; Father is a little better, but rationalizes his faith with scraps of history--little solace, to my way of thinking. Here's an example, though, of how little the trio as a whole regard their faith:

Niece calls up her mother from a Kumbaya-type Confirmation retreat (*shiver*--I sympathize!), and the first words out of her mouth are, "You owe me." So her mother is going to buy her a new pair of Abercrombie jeans to make up for her unhappiness with the retreat.

No positive spin, no "are you sure you haven't taken something away from it?" No. Just, "OK, we'll go to the mall this week." And, in this case, I don't blame Niece; I blame the parents for thinking that material things will solve the problem. They are, essentially, buying her off. What are they teaching her? I think it's frightening.

In a similar vein, the other night for the Evening of Prayer: they (honestly) forgot, didn't show, but offered to make up for it by buying dinner after tonight's Rite of Enrollment. My annoyance isn't really with crossing the Valley and being stood up, it's the idea that buying dinner will solve the bigger problem. It's a bad system, and it's creating a monster.

I pray about this a lot. I believe in the Franciscan mantra of preaching the Gospel at all times, and speaking if I have to. Should I speak? Or should I keep silent and let God work in His way? I can, and do, pray that she will allow the Holy Spirit to move in her life. I want to tell her, swearing on my mother's all-too-recent grave, that yes indeed there is a God, and he is a great God.

I think I'm hoping that what I read on various Catholic forums will come to pass for her: having moved away from, or even rejected, the Holy Mother Church, that she will wander from place to place and, after time, come home, joyfully, realizing that this faith is true and a real home, a real comfort, and feel His Real Presence.

The interviews for Candidacy happened last weekend as I was burying my mother. So, that will be postponed. I have questions to ponder.

As a fellow inquirer told me, "Incidentally, I spoke with one of the ladies that is going through Candidacy one afternoon, and she said that when we go for the Interview, we should not go too far to the right or left and give brief answers... Just honest and truthful answers are what they want, no doubt." I'm not sure why this bothers me, though it is good advice. I can see it now:

Council Member: "What do you expect from the SFO?"

Me: <mystified> "Uhhhh, love. Peace. Yeah, peace and love. Pax et bonum, right? Peace, love, prayer, guidance... I guess."

Not that the prep questions are that off-kilter--they're right along the one in the exchange above. It what's not on that sheet that mystifies me. I'm not a good off-the-cuff question answerer (love that grammar).

It's time for some soul searching. Short, concise answers that stay to the center. Right.

I will purge more about Mom and her funeral in the days to come. It was very interesting, as well as there being some incidents of incredible kindness and generosity and some supernatural moments that blew everyone's mind. Funeral planning in itself is an education.

Keep Dad in your prayers... he's concerned because it really hasn't hit him yet, but it will. He's still in shock, still in that numb state that main caretakers tend to be in as a protection against their emotions. He told me Friday that it's the first day he's felt like he's not in a fog, so I think it's coming.

Pray for Niece, that her heart and mind will be opened.

Pray for this world, which seems to be going to Hell in a handbasket.

2006-03-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

Her Children Rise Up and Call Her Blessed.

I had a post all lined out last night, lamenting about my poor mother, who a week ago we placed in hospice. It has been a terrible, draining, long week. End-stage cirrhosis with hepatorenal syndrome, is what happened; once the hepatorenal aspect starts and is diagnosed, the mean prognosis is two weeks, usually less. She was in a lovely facility with a God-sent staff, a group of loving, compassionate people. I can't speak highly enough of the staff at Banner Gardens Hospice House. I pray that God blesses these loving servants of the afflicted.

This whole week--Sunday to Sunday--was an exhausting blur.

I was there every day. While she was still lucid, she was rather feisty, but I now understand that to be a product of her incredible resolve to live. It wasn't until she was taken off of her medications and was strictly on what are called "comfort medications" that any of us had any concept of how much pain she'd been concealing from us. When the nurses have to medicate anyone four times in a night, and the attending nurse marveling that it's "a lot," it revealed how much pain she was in, pain she never let us see. And only then had we realized that she had been living in physical hell.

Mom had been sedated for the last four days. Due to the toxins in her body, it made her restless and combative, on top of confused. It was to prevent her from hurting herself against the railings with her gossamer skin, or falling. Her last semi-lucid day was Wednesday (as she had been slightly doped), she had called Dad to say that if he didn't come and take her home, she was going to walk every step.

She knew where she was and why, but her coping mechanism was to insist that this was just a setback; she walked up and down the hall on Tuesday, determined to prove she was coming home. That took so much out of her, but that was Mom. She also said some harsh things that I know that I cannot take personally--especially now that we know just how much pain she was in. I also know, thanks to Susan, why this was: not only did she want to live, she didn't want to leave Dad, leave me, leave her life. She wasn't done yet, still so much to do.

This morning, I was wide awake at six, showered and dressed as I was to serve at Mass at 12:30. I headed out on the long drive to east Mesa. I got there at 7:30 AM.

It is said that the auditory functions are the last to go, and so I talked to Mom.

She looked so battered, frail and wasted, struggling for each shallow breath, the horrendous bruises that came with the IVs and blood draws stark against her skin.

I didn't weep, but my tears dripped on her bedlinens. I said that I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to be this way; you were supposed to live to 100; I know that you still want to do things. But... Mama... it's over. It's time.

And it's OK for you to go. There are so many waiting joyfully for you, I said, and said their names: Aunt Janet and Uncle John, Uncle Bill, Aunt Nancy and Uncle Ross, my sisters Roberta and Margaret, her mother, and the beloved father she never got over losing when she was 12.

Mama, I said, of course I don't want you to go, none of us do, but it's time--you're body is giving out on you, there's too much pain, it's OK, I love you. Go to where there's no more piles of medications, no more ascites drains, no more transfusions; no more having to hide the horrendous pain.

We all love you, we understand, it's OK to go. I love you, Mama.

Then I read from the red prayer book with the Offices in it; parts of the Office of the Dead; and the morning prayers for the Fourth Sunday of Lent.

As I stroked her head before I left, it struck me how much of her hair is still dark at the age of 69. Still thick, still lovely, with the distinctive greying streaks. She had aged gracefully, and still retained much of her good looks even in the ravages of the last three years.

Mama, I said, thank you for being *my* mother. I love you, Mom.

And I kissed her forehead, saying goodbye.

I wept stormily as I drove to Starbucks. Oh, Mama...
I begged my late beloved godmother--Nancy, who had come to me in spirit as I had keened at her passing to let me know she was OK--to please go to Mom, please tell her there's nothing to be afraid of, tell her from where you are that it's OK.

I wandered from place to place, lost like the orphan I knew I was to become too soon. While I love my father, my mother was my friend. I was blessed in that regard. So in a way, when she goes, I will be alone. Who can I wander through the Home Depot garden department aimlessly with? Who will I concoct parties with, discuss recipes with? Who will I be able to ask advice from?

Without Mama, who's going to love me? What's going to become of me when I don't have you to love me?

I got to Church an hour too early. I signed in on the EMHC board, tried to go through the gift shop, and couldn't take the people. Kurt at the office let me in to go through the Franciscan library that Fr Hoorman keeps. I was trying to keep my brain busy.

Deacon Phil poked his head in and he sat with me as he waited for his appointment to show. He and his wife know what's been happening, and earlier this week I had sent them an email with a heartfelt cry, my soul disturbed. He asked me, "Are you ready to let her go?" I replied yeah, but I don't want her to go... but that she's fought the fight and it's OK.

"Did you tell her that?"

A strange kind of relief washed over me as I said yes, I have, and I recounted my half-hour with Mom this morning. I fought tears as I sketched for him the hell of this past week, and it felt good to say something to someone who isn't intimately involved with the drama.

When his appointment showed up, I wandered to the shrine of St Anthony within the Church proper, Anthony, my best friend in recent months. I implored him to help, to help Mom understand it's OK to go, help this lost soul. But it was at the shrine to Our Lady of Perpetual Help that I wept. Oh, Blessed Mother... please let her know it's OK, and please intercede with your beloved Son for her faults, for His forgiveness--dear God, Mom's done her Purgatory in this living hell; please release her and hold her in Your loving arms...

By the time Mass started I was a wreck. TJ met me there, and I cried silently on his shoulder. I could not keep the tears back, even as I offered His Body. All I could do is pray for Mom's release. At my meeting with Father Jeff my brain was wiped. So much for picking music.

I went home for awhile, and then went to Dad's to start on the draft of her obit. God, save me: I have dreaded this task.

Today at 4:15 PM, the phone call came, and there was the sad but not unexpected news: she passed at about 4:10. Mama is now seeing the face of God. I have no reason to doubt otherwise. Kind, maternal, generous Mama...

Dad and the boys went ahead as TJ picked me up. She was on the bed, arms crossed, her ravaged face peaceful. "Oh, Mama... " and as I looked at her, thinking of arrangements, "nobody needs to see you this way, they don't need to remember you this way..." Daddy held me for awhile as I cried tiredly. Even poor TJ wept. "I love your mother," he said on the way home.

It's not every woman whose husbands characterize them as "a great lady." And it's the rare woman whose sons-in-law love her as their own mother. And I love my mother... God, I'm going to miss her.

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord.
And let perpetual light shine upon her.
May she rest in peace, Amen.
May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace, Amen.

2006-03-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

A Plea for Prayer

Msgr. Tom Zazella, St Clare Emerging Community's spiritual adviser, is gravely ill. He hasn't been well for some time but it would seem that his stomach cancer has returned. The news was passed around to us with the request to "storm heaven with prayer." I'm gonna war-dial God...

...May the Compassionate Savior be pleased to hear the intercessions of tt His friends whom piety invokes in illness or affliction, or to ward off accidents and calamities
...That the afflicted may find relief from cancer: St. Peregrinus, St. Adelgondis, St. Joseph of Leonissa, St. Galla, Bl. Adalbert of Oberattaich, Mother Rose Lathrop, Pray for them...
...That, if it be God's will, even though recovery be humanly impossible: St. Rita of Cassia, pray for them.
That all sufferers may draw closer to Jesus Christ Crucified, and unite their pains with His: St. Francis of Assisi, St. Gemma Galgani, Ven. Katharine Emmerich, pray for them...
Let us pray.
O God our Father, the Eternal Health of them that believe, Who dost correct those whom Thou dost love, and chastiseth every one whom Thou dost receive, give greater faith and courage, we beseech Thee, to all now visited by Thy hand, that they may lose no moment of their affliction but rather receive humbly and thankfully the pains that draw them into closer union with the sacred , Passion of Thy Son, the pains that warn them of the brevity of this temporal life and then of judgment, the pains that rebuke sin, the pains the bearing of which may be for them their eternal salvation. Help them to be patient, gentle toward those who minister to them, and resigned to Thy most holy will whether for health or for eternal life. And if it be Thy will to restore them to health, if they can serve Thy glory better in health than in suffering, grant to us and to them the grace to be truly thankful. Through Thy Son Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Amen.
From Benjamin Francis Musser, OFM

2006-03-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

Application of Knowledge

As I read through Come and See, or the excellent biography of St Francis by Omer Englebert, or various periodicals and other resources, it becomes very apparent that I need to remind myself that the Secular Franciscan path is not just reading and study. This is not a college course. As a voracious reader, I sometimes get into the habit of skimming, or gleaning things here and there; with this I need to slow down, digest, think, and most important, apply.

It’s easy to relegate it to the intellectual realm—it’s paper (real or virtual), after all, and stashed somewhere in the brain. But taking all that knowledge and applying it, making Francis’ life relevant to me and my experiences, my responses more akin to his and more Christ-centered, rather than id-centered or societally dictated. More Christian, more Catholic, more Francis.

That's not to dismiss the volumes of resources out there; study is a form of dialogue. But in this instance, I'm talking about the practical exam like the ones I took to receive my EMT certification all those years ago. Pete Jankowski gave us the tools to work with, then came the time to apply all the things we had learned in that course of study. Once you could apply the methodology, you were cleared to go and be in the field.

As I've gone along, and to continue to use the EMT cert example, it's kind of like my first day in the ER: jumping into the unknown, exposed to things one has never been exposed to: an AIDS patient, a partial scalping from a car accident (that was a fun one), the hypochondriac claiming that one bedpan will not be enough--everything ranging from the terrifying to the hilarious.

And really, this is no different, except that it's intense and personal and highly spiritual--and in many ways much more exhausting. It's not fun sometimes to peel the onion layers away. It's exhilarating to find huge leaps in progress. I'm awestricken as to the beauty and the privilege of faith. It's hard not to flinch sometimes when digging deeper. However, as anyone on the Journey knows, the ends to this are always worth the means.

I think the kernel of the Journey is the question "How am I willing to change?" I cannot use 'when'--there is no option; turning to Franciscan spirituality (or any other, i.e. Benedictine, Dominican, etc.) is not a matter of 'when,' as the initial commitment to this indicates the need, the want, to change. It is the way I need to change, what I need to change, the glasses that I need to see clearly. If I do not change, morph, evolve in my spiritual journey, then I have made this a superficial exercise, made the study and discussion akin to a simple reading assignment.

Tonight I am going to reread the Englebert bio, mark the passages that speak to me, note how Francis responded to things, make his life relevant to mine. Things have changed in the almost 800 years since his death, yet some things never change--man is notorious for not learning from history and experience.

God, all powerful, most holy, sublime ruler of all, you alone are good - supremely, fully, completely good, may we render to you all praise, all honour and all blessing: may we always ascribe to you alone everything that is good!
Amen

2006-03-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Tuesdays - St Anthony

Today begins the Thirteen Tuesdays in honor of St Anthony of Padua, which ends on the Feast of St Anthony on June 13th. A novena usually entails nine days, or nine weeks. How did the novena of St Anthony get to 13? And why Tuesday?

Tuesday is because Anthony died on that day: Tuesday, June 13th, 1231.

The novena of Anthony was originally nine days, as prescribed, and is linked with a legend about a pious childless couple in Bologna about the year 1617. After 22 years of longing for a child, the story goes, the wife took her troubles to St. Anthony. He is said to have appeared to her in a dream telling her, "For nine Tuesdays, one after the other, make visits to the church of my Order; on each of those days, approach the holy sacraments of penance and of the altar, then pray before my picture, and what you ask, you shall obtain."

Because of the daily increase of the Tuesday devotions to Saint Anthony, four more Tuesdays were added to the nine Tuesdays, making it a total of thirteen. This is the day of the month on which the Saint died. Thirteen weeks from March 14th is June 13th, the Feast day.

In 1898 Pope Leo XII granted a plenary indulgence to those spending some time in devout meditation or prayers or performing some other acts of piety in honor of St. Anthony of Padua on Tuesday or Sunday of any week with the intention of doing so for 13 Tuesdays or Sundays without interruption.

And that is how this Novena went from 9 to 13.

~~

He is known in the secular world as the seeker of lost items, most memorably and hilariously recalled by George Carlin. Some Catholics know the saying "Tony, Tony, turn around; something's lost and can't be found." However, he is the patron saint of many other things, including faith in the Blessed Sacrament, domestic animals, barrenness/sterility, horses, shipwrecks and starvation. Known as the Hammer of the Heretics, his orations against the heresies of his time made Church VIPs stand up and listen, and made many who had fallen away return to the Holy Mother Church.

~~

There is something called St Anthony's Bread, which is the promise of giving alms in return for a favor asked of God through St. Anthony's intercession (the custom also takes place throughout the year when parents give alms after placing their baby under the patronage of St. Anthony). In some places, the custom has a literal parallel in that loaves of bread might be blessed and given away at church or, generally, to the poor,

There is also a recipe, which I will print here:

Italian Mini-Loaves
Yield: 16
3 cups flour, divided
2 packages active dry yeast
1 Tsp. dried Italian seasoning
1 Tsp. dried pars- ley flakes
1 1/4 cups 1% milk
1/4 cup water
2 Tblsp. butter or margarine
2 Tblsp. sugar
1 Tsp. garlic salt
1 egg
3/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, divided
2 Tblsp. butter or margarine, melted

In a large mixing bowl, combine 1 1/2 cups of flour, yeast, Italian seasoning, and parsley flakes. In a saucepan, heat and stir the milk, water, butter, sugar, and garlic salt just until warm (120- 130 degrees) and butter almost melts. Add milk mixture to flour mixture. Add egg and beat with electric mixer on low or medium speed for 30 seconds, scraping the bowl constantly. Beat on high speed for 3 minutes.
Using a wooden spoon, stir in 1/2 cup of the parmesan cheese and as much of the remaining flour as you can.Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface. Knead in enough of the remaining flour to make a moderately soft dough that is smooth (3-5 minutes total).
[you are supposed to pray to St Anthony while kneading, according to some--*smile*]
Shape the dough into a ball. Place it in a lightly greased bowl, turning once to grease the top and bottom surfaces. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled in size (about 45 min).
Grease baking sheets or a 13” x 9” x 2” baking pan. Punch dough down and turn out onto a lightly floured surface. Divide dough into 16 portions, shaping each into a round mini-loaf. Place mini loaves on sheet or pan. Brush tops with 2 tablespoons butter and sprinkle with remaining parmesan cheese. Cover and let rise in a warm place (about 15 minutes).
Bake in a 375‚ oven for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown.

You know, I'm thinking a St Anthony get-together for the Fraternity might not be a bad idea...
~~~

Prayer to St Anthony on the first of the 13 Tuesdays:

St. Anthony, you found quiet time to retreat into private communion with God to replenish your life with new strength. Help me in the midst of my busy life to seek the Spirit's guiding presence within my heart. Amen.

2006-03-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

It's Raining, It's Pouring, the Old Man is Snoring...

143 days of dry-as-bone weather has been obliterated, starting VERY early this morning. I woke up at 4:30 this morning hearing this steady CLANK CLANK CLANK and thinking 'what in the ... is that?' It was the unfamiliar sound of rain coming off the roof and falling onto the fan on the A/C unit outside. It's been forever since I've heard that sound. I got up and tottered downstairs, and sat on the back porch for awhile before going back to bed, not minding the chill; I just breathed in the wonderful smell of desert rain.

This came off of a local station's weather forecast: "Expect wet weather this weekend, as showers and storms move into the valley. Rain could be heavy at times, and winds will continue to be strong out of the Southwest 15-30 mph. Some valley locations could get .25"-.75" of rain. In the higher elevations, snow level will drop down to around 3000'. Even though this storm could put a damper on your weekend plans, the rain is really needed. So, enjoy the rain!" Believe me, we ALL will!

143 days is a long time without rain. At least Ma Nature didn't leave us with half measures... no, there is supposed to be steady rain all weekend and snow up north, anywhere from 11-26 inches depending on elevation.

I can hear the teens across the street splashing around in the rain. I'm drinking my Trader Joe's coffee with a healthy dollop of heavy cream, hearing cars drive by on the wet street. The cat is safely curled on the guest bed and I can just hear all the plants outside say thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

*does a little dance*

I LOVE RAIN.

Everyone's walking around with a smile on their face, happily employing sweaters and other *winter* items that have been shelved. It has been raining allllll day. Better yet, from the news I learned that the high country is getting plenty of snow too. That's more important than us getting rain here in the Valley--no snow up there, no water down here.

People were getting cranky without the rain, myself included. People were starting to whine and cry--you would think it was a sign of the apocalypse. There have been times in the past several weeks where I wanted to shake someone and say, "THIS IS THE DESERT, STUPID!" Gadzooks!!!!

Thank you God for the rain. I LOVE RAIN!

More please!!

2006-03-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

So What's The Problem Here?

3/14/06 (UPDATE): See here.

Church Denies Communion to Autistic Boy - the brief on this is that there is an autistic boy in Lake Havasu that "cannot swallow foods with certain textures;" the solution the parents used was to have the Host put in the boy's mouth, then the father would take said Host and consume it himself. Please understand that I also don't care for the slants from the Repulsive.

Think of the EWWWWWWWWWWW!!! factor--!

No, seriously... I'm curious as to how this got to the attention of Bishop Olmsted? I'm glad it did; it tells me SOMEONE knows the correct way to handle the Host and that there is hope for the Church. I wonder what their pastor was thinking when he sanctioned this, er, solution. If in fact he sanctioned it. Silence equals assent?

One would think that the Bishop has excommunicated half of Arizona by some of the reactions - Holy Cow... and interesting that the most scorching are from people totally ignorant of the Catechism of the Roman Catholic Church and the GIRM; sadly, some even come from those claiming that they are Catholic, but are apparently wholly ignorant of how the Blessed Sacrament is to be adminstered and handled.

It comes up in the most interesting conversations, and weeeeiiiirrrddd things come out from the woodwork. My brother-in-law, a very successful lawyer, said that a chocolate Host can be made (oh reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallllly?); my sister-in-law cried about how we need to be all inclusive. As far as this situation is concerned, the child is included. Off topic. My dad just sighed. I *love* the comment that the Church has "failed" the child.

The issue at hand is about the poor handling of a difficult situation. I feel for the parents in that situation, as their heart is truly in the right place. They wish for their son to receive Communion, so they figured that this is a good compromise--then someone called them on it, and it wound up all the way over here in Phoenix at the Diocese. They say the Diocese of Philadelphia approved it, but the more I read, the more questionable this statement seems to be.

The Catholics who have bothered to take the time to *know* the rules of offering Communion know that it does not matter what size the Host is, or that the host may be broken up if necessary in certain situations. The most miniscule fraction of the Body is equal to a whole one. If one took a small crumb, placed it on his tongue, and that does not seem to cause a problem, would this be an acceptable alternative?

It's not like the poor Bishop issued an ultimatum. According to the articles I've read, there were suggestions made and an entreaty to find an acceptable solution. There was no mention of a ban--maybe the imposition of a temporary suspension until a solution was found. Regrettably, there is nothing on the Diocesan website to link to... on the other hand, why should there be? This was meant to be handled on the family/Church level. It was the parents who ran to the media.

I must admit I have my suspicions on the whole situation. Being an EMHC, I've made it my business to know what's appropriate and not, and find it hard to believe that even their parish priest was OK with this. The way the Morans chose to handle it is, sadly, incorrect, and if they were more aware of the guidelines they would have sought a compromise earlier. It's not like the GIRM or Canon Law are hidden documents.

And it's wise to remember that the Bishop is not in the business of making everyone happy; it's about doing the *correct* thing...

~~~~~~~~

This hot topic got bumped from the local front pages by... errr.... uhh... the interesting situation a Mesa battalion chief was in. No further discussion. *gag*

2006-03-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

From a dear friend in the St Francis Fraternity, I got an e-mail... it's comforting yet thought provoking.

"Things God Won't Ask On That Day"

God won't ask what kind of car you drove; He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation

God won't ask the square footage of your house; He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet; He'll ask how many you helped clothe.

God won't ask what your highest salary was; He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

God won't ask what your job title was; He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

God won't ask how many friends you had; He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived; He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

God won't ask about the color of your skin; He'll ask about the content of your character.

God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation; He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven... and not to the Gates of Hell.

And I know that there are others we all can add--add one in comments.

2006-03-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

Blessings from Wonderful, if Unexpected, Places

As I stated in the last post, we're having our Parish Mission this week, with our hosts being the visiting priests from the Fathers of Mercy. I haven't had the privilege of hearing Fr Ben Cameron, CPM, speak or preside at Mass, but I have had Father David Wilton, CPM, at Sunday's Mass, yesterday's confession, and at the Mass following as part of the Mission last night.

I *heart* Fr David. Not only do I like his style and inspiring speeches, HE DOES NOT P.C. THE CREED. Any priest who has the temerity to refuse to emasculate the Creed will always win my heart. It's also nice to see that there are priests that are my age... and he stated in his talk last night that they are getting more vocations through the grace of God and Eucharistic Holy Hour.

Not only is it rare to not have an hour and a half Mass where people can sit still, it's also rare to find a "young" priest that has such passion and insight as Fr David has. My mind is still reverbating with his roller coaster talk--high, funny parts, mind-blowing anecdotes, the mournful pleading and relating of pain, back up to laughing. Personal and personable, I hope he comes back to the parish when the Fathers of Mercy return for Eucharistic Weekend in June.

It was his homily on Sunday that drew me to Confession last night. Funny, I had excruciating back pain yesterday (and had been for a few days--I wrote it off to yardwork and/or stress); once I got out of Confession, it became manageable. It didn't entirely go away, but it got much better to the point where I wasn't screaming when I shifted weight or turned suddenly.

Coincidence? I think not.

And his discussions on Confession on Sunday and the Eucharist last night refocused me in terms of my directions. And the awful insult it is to miss Mass really hit me. The Church only *requires* us to go one hour a week, one day a week, with the more the better, but the Sunday Obligation is so simple.

Fr David expounded on how 75% of Catholics believe that the Eucharist is NOT the Real Presence, but a symbol or something equally as inane--isn't that mind-blowing? How can they say they're Catholic if they don't buy into Transubstantiation? Certainly if God can create the world, and make Man out of clay (on top of the miracles He has performed throughout the ages), He can certainly make Himself present in the Eucharist. So sad that people are so afraid of FAITH, and to proclaim it.

~~~~~~~~

One topic of exploration during the SFO Inquiry is the idea of the Penitential Life. Fr David is not a Franciscan, but the one of the missions of the Fathers of Mercy is to make Catholics aware of the necessity of Penance and Confession, and exhort people, challenge people to go and just do it. And not just in the Season of Lent--it needs to be done.

When we were discussing it in group a few months back, the need to change the idea of penance from a bad and negative connotation to a positive one was grasped. I do remember my First Confession--I was terrified. I had it in my head that it was fearsome and something along the lines of the worst days of the Inquisition, fiery stakes and all.

Since my "return" to the Church about 8 years ago, every time I have gone to my once-yearly confession it's gotten easier. The Cursillo made me get over my--fear? that's not the word I really want, but the closest I can find at the moment--of it, and I'm still not comfortable in it, but I will say this: since last night, I am now "over" that fear and whatever, and as part of my Franciscan journey I intend to go no less than once a month. Once a year is hardly enough.

Here is an excellent site for reflection, the Exhortation of St. Francis to the Brothers and Sisters of Penance (circa 1210-1215). Francis said:

"Oh, how happy and blessed are these men and women when they do these things and persevere in doing them, because the spirit of the Lord will rest upon them and he will make his home and dwelling among them, and they are the sons of the heavenly Father, whose works they do, and they are the spouses, brothers, and mothers of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Who wouldn't want to work for that? To purge their sins before God and become clean in heart--which is not that hard--what a reward in heaven!

I myself would never assume I am going straight to heaven; I have caused Christ much heartache in my little life, and I expect time, at the least, in purgatory. If He sends me to Hell, I will accept His Judgment. I pray every day for his forgiveness.

2006-03-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

Confessions of the Sorrowful and Contrite Heart

I must confess that my exhaustion led me to not attending Ash Wednesday for the first time in over seven or eight years--since TJ and I started dating. I will, however, attend more of the Parish Mission where the Fathers of Mercy are giving talks and Masses and Confessions.

Confession has always been a hangup... this earliest form of unburdening oneself psychologically is now almost taboo in our society. If you are a professed Catholic, and say to people that you've actually gone to Confession, they look at you as if you're loony. Pooh on them. But I need to go; my heart is sore. And Father David and Father Ben of the aforementioned Order are doing Masses, talks and Confessions twice a day during this week. I think I'll go Tuesday.

This past weekend was our usual First Sunday of the Month meeting for the SFO. I missed last session, as it had been that weekend that Dad said that the doctor has determined that Mom's on the short and final... more about that in a minute. So I was a little befuddled and unprepared. I will tell you that the SFO is a wonderful resource. I love my Franciscan brothers and sisters, even if I am confused and in pain.

Now that we are pushing towards the last part of Inquiry soon, June or so, interviews for Candidacy will be taking place next month. My brain is locked, and I have no idea what to expect. Research does nothing. I need to clear my brain. I do know that it's not what I say in the interview... it is what I *do* that matters. I need to read and remove myself from all my cares, immerse myself in the Franciscan spirit. It's healing.

Reading that last, I know I've veered a little. I know where I need to go, I know that I want the SFO--need it, need the Community, need the structure, want and need the gentle guidance for the life change. But when I watch my mother continue to slide, continue to deny the truth of her oncoming death, watch it ravage my father... it's no wonder that my mind isn't where it should be. This is why I haven't posted in so long. I'm not as focused as I need to be.

In the next couple of weeks I will reflect here and venture on who/what/when/where/why of the SFO in mental preparation of the interviews next month.

I also pray fervently that Mama finds the necessary grace in the weeks to come. Her bitterness and anger is so hard to bear...

All praise be yours, my Lord,
for our Sister Physical Death
from whose embrace no mortal can escape.
Woe to those who die in mortal sin!
Happy are those she finds doing your most holy will!
The second death can do no harm to them.

-St Francis

2006-01-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

Still On Track - But It's a Long Haul

...

It doesn't help when I forget my login name... *laughs*

I'm still in the game. I love the Franciscan Charism and the *healthy* Community there is at St Clare.

There is another Fraternity, where I know a lot of the members, and they have a vested interest--like publishing and campaigning--in what I would call a charismatic type; that is, she apparently literally speaks to God. She's been to Rome and knocked on a few important doors. Now, since there's a priest involved that I have a lot of respect for (he married TJ and I, that's how much I adore the man), I have to give it the benefit of the doubt. I do believe that she's devout, a woman of God, a model Catholic--no, it's just my native cynicism.

In the delving into more info and reflection on same, at this juncture probably my only reservation is the liberal lean within the Order. Inclusiveness, well, I can live with that. But when they have liturgical dancing at the Casa de Paz y Bien... and Enneagrams... and... and... oh God, just browse the catalog!

*cries*

But I could handle the Spiritual Spa Day of Retreat!

In all seriousness, when we know what Christ really meant, without skewing it to our societal norms, why must the envelope be pushed? It's supposed to be a Catholic Retreat house, for heaven's sake!

Since when is Tai Chi part of Catholic spirituality? Or the Labyrinth? Or finding the meaning in the dark side of dreams? How can one focus on the Holy Trinity and the mysteries of Scripture when there's more emphasis on the me-me-me, touchy-feely crap going on? The catalog reads more like the one at Mesa Community, or Tempe Parks and Rec.

But Franciscanism, much like the Jesuits, leans to that end of the spectrum. I read enough to know that the Jesuits had a collective heart attack when when it was announced Josephum... Cardinalem Ratzinger-- and I know of one friar who was publicly disdainful in a homily abou the blessed and wonderful election of the Holy Father.

That's probably going to be my hardest row to hoe: reconciling the liberalism of the Order with my innate conservatism.

2005-12-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

Prayer Requests - Need Spiritual Help

For Mom, who is sliding more and more, and now in the throes of a depression I'm not sure she'll pull out of... and for Dad, who sees nothing but dead ends in this situation. It's such a long goodbye, and not an easy task.
For Aunt Phyllis, whose son, Chris, died earlier this week. She's lost her husband and her son in the span of six weeks. So sad and tragic.
For Monsignor Edward Ryle, the Conscience of the Capitol, greatly beloved in the Diocese of Phoenix for his dedication and his hard work; found by friends (including the governor) unconscious at his home. He is at Barrows Neurological Center in Phoenix; he is in critical condition and unresponsive (although responding to pain stimuli), and his vitals are stable.
For the 92 year old husband of a fellow inquirer in the SFO, who caught a cold last friday and has become increasingly ill.

I'm struggling to keep my spirits up; Mom's depression has really socked into me. I'd rather see her with her usual spitting of nails rather than this resignation. I don't know what to do other than pray.

2005-12-05T02:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not ashamed of my Christianity, and not of my Catholicism, either! So there!

Wandering around in Blogland (tho' I should register in St Blog's Parish, probably), I was at the Shrine of the Holy Whapping, where there's an entry about a tacky fiber optic Nativity with comments, with a link to the Cavalcade of Bad Nativities--even a nativity belt buckle!! (GAG!) And at Holy Whapping, I asked a question in those comments, something I had thought about driving to the house of my SFO orientation directors' house on Friday night: how many Nativity scenes have you seen around?

I have one. I really wanted one of those that are about two grand just for the basic set, but like most of middle America, I have to settle for Wal-Mart. It's actually not too bad, the figures aren't too cartoonish, and they fit perfectly under my juvenile trees out in front.

But as I was driving around that neighborhood on Friday, it was just dark, and lights were coming on in peoples' yards. Tons of those silly and cute inflatable Santas that pop in and out of the chimneys; lots of snowmen (in Phoenix?), some nice light shows, the grapevine reindeer, and the like. Nice and unoffensive stuff.

But out of maybe two dozen houses I passed, I saw ONE house with a Nativity in the yard. And it was tiny, as if to be inconspicuous, maybe enough to be ashamed--and was a little too Precious Moments for my taste, but... Gasp! I was all excited, however, and rolled down my window and applauded.

It got me thinking: are we of the Christian faith ashamed to be so in this day of secularism? Are we skeeeeeeeeered? Are we so inundated and fearful that we as a whole are bowing to the tiny but hugely squeaky wheel that claims offense?

Not me, dammit.

And so far I've gotten a lot of praise and no griping so far. And nothing has been stolen yet, even with a plethora of teens in the neighborhood.

I will post a pic as soon as I find the charger to the camera. Promise.

And I am, at this jucture, assless--have to wait until I can afford one. No ox either, and no wisemen or other "accessories." I have a lil sheep, though--Does that count?

2005-12-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

Second Sunday of Advent - December 4th. Second purple candle.

One theme all through the readings is heralding the advent of a Savior and patience in that waiting period; in Isaiah, it says '"...prepare the way of the LORD!" In the Letter of Peter it proclaims, "...waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God..."

The Gospel of Mark talks about John the Baptist. How familiar he is, Father Bruce said--in a way, we understand him: his camel hair shirt, his shouting for repentance, his humility and certainty in saying that "One mightier than I is coming after me. I am not worthy to stoop and loosen the thongs of his sandals. I have baptized you with water; he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit." We are familiar with baptism, as the Catholic people it is our foundation. Yes, John is familiar.

Father told the story of blind people--in Switzerland, he seemed to recall--who couldn't obtain jobs. So this one brilliant man started a restaurant, run by the blind. Patrons went into a pitch black restaurant, led in by the blind. (See Blinde Kuh for more info--found what he was talking about pretty easily once I got home). He talked about how the people who had their sight all of a sudden was absolutely dependent on those who served them--to seat them, tell the patrons the menu, to cook, to serve--and that at first it can be very disconcerting. But if one has a little faith and trust in those who are serving, then it becomes an enjoyable and pleasurable experience.

Father likened this to what came after John the Baptist--Jesus the Christ. John, even with his eccentricities, is a familiar person. Jesus, however, is more enigmatic, and requires trust and faith. As with being served in pitch black by the blind, it takes trust and faith to do as Christ asks, as He teaches. Without faith, we are nothing, have nothing; without Faith, we have no hope. Hope, of course, centers within Christ.

How awesome to contemplate all that we have in the Son of God if we only trust!

2005-11-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

It's already the first Sunday in advent.

Are you ready?

Thanks to Curt Jester...

Where has the time gone? I have a couple of posts sitting in limbo that I haven't posted. I haven't been terribly proficient lately, and I have no excuse. In fact, I need to do some studying for the joint meeting between the St Francis & St Clare Fraternities.

It's been very trying; drop-kicked from my temp assignment, a stressful Thanksgiving, and my Mom's sinking again. The latter is very disconcerting--the doctor is down to the big nasty prescriptions that he gives out only as a last resort. Isn't it a terrible thing when you have a long goodbye situation?

My sister just called, and asked that I start doing research on Catholic burial sites and gather info on arrangements. That's how I want to start the Christmas season: calling the diocesan cemetery folks and talk about *that.*

Lord help me.
~~~~~~
Also, RIP to Ruby, my sister's retriever. She was such a good girl. Sleep peacefully, Rubers.

2005-11-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

Thoughts and a Thankful Reflection.

...

...

Well, I can't believe that a month has passed since I've posted. It was twenty (or so) weekdays of 12 hour days, at the end of the last one I found out I was drop-kicked at nine in the evening, which didn't endear the law firm to me with the passive aggressive stunt.

Just as well.

It gave me time to prepare for the descent of my sister, BIL, and Hellboy. It was an OK weekend. Wasn't bad, but I'm sure hankering for that move to the mid-Atlantic states.

I'm thinking of merging blogs. I like the layout & toys on this better.

~~~
I'm thankful for a merciful God.

I'm thankful for life--what a wonderful world we live in.

I'm thankful for the incredible blessing that is my husband. I'm still not sure after almost four years of marriage how or why it was *me* he chose, and it's very humbling.

I'm thankful for parents who cared enough to be my parents first and my friends later.

I'm thankful for this country that allows me to worship in the Roman Catholic Church without having to worry about being stoned, persecuted, or ostracized.

So much to be thankful for.

Thank You, God.

2005-10-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

Enough with the political correctness and HAVE FUN on Halloween!!!

I work in an 21 floor building, and the building powers that be decided to have fun and put a pair of those cute skeletons that stand about 5 feet tall--the guy skeleton has a top hat, a chewedjacket and holds a grotty little rose; the chick skeleton has verdigris hair, a rotted papier-mache dress and a cute little headpiece. I think it's one of those that talk if you press a button, too, but thankfully they have disabled that.

Well, there's always one rotten apple: someone's offended because they're a law firm that specializes in estate law and one paralegal complained that it would upset the clients.

Bah humbug to you too, pal.

Ah, if only people would remember what Halloween was all about...

Among many so-called Christians (usually the extremist kind), there is concern that things have gotten out of hand: doesn't Halloween glorify evil?

It's time to remember what ALL HALLOWS EVE is about: it is to emphasize the saints, whose nearly forgotten feast day is the reason for what we now call "Halloween."

The word itself, "Halloween," actually has its origins in the Roman Catholic Church. November 1, "All Hollows Day," or "All Saints Day," is a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. But, in the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. The holiday was called Samhain (sow-en), the Celtic New year.

"Hallow" is the same word for "holy"*, and the contraction "e'en" is an abbreviation of "evening."

The word "Halloween," therefore, is a shortened form of "All Hallows Eve," or All Holies Evening, the day before, or the vigil, of All Saints Day.

This holiday, properly understood and celebrated with all of its fun trappings, can also be a way for all of us to deepen our understanding of our faith. The key to this understanding is close at hand for Catholics--and all Christians--in our love of the communion of saints.

Until the ninth century the Church celebrated the popular feast of All Saints on May 13th, during the season of joy after the Resurrection. This is the light in which we see all the faithful who have died, especially those whose witness to Christ is an inspiration. In 835 the date was deliberately changed to November 1 to Christianize the existing pagan time for remembering the dead—to bring light to the darkness, and hope to the most basic of human fears.

For the first 1,000 years of Christianity there was no collective memorial for All Souls. Relatives and loved ones were remembered at Mass on the anniversary of their death, or until they passed out of living memory. However, by the seventh century monasteries were celebrating an annual Mass for all the deceased of their order, an idea which spread to the laity.

About the year 1030, an influential abbot, St Odilo of Cluny, chose November 2 to commemorate All Souls because it was an obvious companion date and extension of the Feast of All Saints. Both days are reminders that all of us, living and dead, are united in a living communion with Christ and one another. From his Monastery it spread throughout the Church.

In effect, All Hallows Eve became one vigil for two feasts celebrated by the whole Catholic Church: the vigil of both All Saints and All Souls feast days.

In the 16th century at the time of the Reformation, most Protestants (alas!) discarded both the doctrine of the communion of saints and the practice of praying for the dead. All Hallows Eve became "hollow" for them, the vigil of an empty feast day.

"I believe...in the communion of saints," we say every Sunday in the Creed. How many Catholics know what this doctrine really means? You can be assured that they don't connect Halloween with that lovely phrase in the Creed--it's just a time to have fun or play pranks.

Then we get the obvious question from the sadly ignorant: Isn't that idol worshipping?

Do we "worship" or "adore" our beloved saints, as some non-Catholics think? No, nyet, nein, não, nr, αριθ! Not at all. Not even close.

We honor them and learn from their example; adoration belongs to God alone. We ask the saints to pray, or intercede for us the same way we might ask a good friend to pray. It’s comforting to have friends always available to pray with you, a whole "cloud of witnesses," in fact! (see Hebrews 12:1).

So, just like saying "Merry Christmas!" is being threatened, do NOT be afraid to wish someone a...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carve your Own Pumpkin!!!

So where did the carving of pumpkins come from??? From Halloween Online Magazine

Celebrated for centuries by the Celts of old, Witches and many other nature based religions, it is the most magical night of the year...

On this magical night, glowing jack-o-lanterns, carved from turnips or gourds, were set on porches and in windows to welcome deceased loved ones, but also to act as protection against malevolent spirits. Burning lumps of coal were used inside as a source of light, later to be replaced by candles.

When European settlers, particularly the Irish, arrived in American they found the native pumpkin to be larger, easier to carve and seemed the perfect choice for jack-o-lanterns. Halloween didn't really catch on big in this country until the late 1800's and has been celebrated in so many ways ever since!

Pumpkins are indigenous to the western hemisphere and were completely unknown in Europe before the time of Columbus. In 1584, the French explorer Jacques Cartier reported from the St. Lawrence region that he had found "gros melons", which was translated into English as "ponpions," or pumpkins. In fact, pumpkins have been grown in America for over 5,000 years. Native Americans called pumpkins "isquotersquash."

The things you learn! My, my...

Have a blessed and safe HALLOWEEN!!

__________________________
* In the Spanish language, "santos" means 'saints,' but equally 'holies'--hence, 'todos los santos,' is All Saints, common name in Hispanic cultures, usually as a middle name. When one sees the name of the city of San Diego, California--translated loosely as Saint James--"san" is the shortened version of "santo"; the California city and Mission of Santa Barbara is from the same root, only the feminine of the appellation. [/end language lesson]

2005-10-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

Promises, promises...

Where has October gone? I know I swore to stay on top of my posts. Sorry.

Still hanging with the SFO. Drawn to it more every day. I'll post things this weekend when I have time to reflect and concentrate. I've been doing my "homework" and reading a biography of Francis by Omer Englebert.

Mom back in ICU whilst I wandered San Diego. Imagine my shock when Dad told me today when I called to check in--uh, thanks for letting me know... Mom all depressed.

Cousin Susie came out of the woodwork. Haven't talked to her in nearly 2 years. Better late than never.

Going to bed. Have a blessed week, and may God give you His peace.

2005-10-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

How Sinful are You? (via Angry Twins)

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Greed: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die with your hand down your underwear, watching Star Trek.

How Sinful Are You?

OMG... that is *so* wrong!

Heh.

Slothful and Envious and Gluttonous! How 'bout that after five questions?

14%... still pretty good odds, though!

2005-09-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

Monthly Reflections for October 2nd Session

One of the questions guaranteed to be asked is "What has happened in the last month?" as part of our discernment period.

So much has happened since the last inquiry session that it's all a blur. I can say that as my mother was in the ICU that I prayed a lot... let's just say that St Anthony has been busy fielding requests. Let's also say that I did find a chain for my San Damiano cross and I wear it every day. I'm finding an identity in this time.

In the printout of the Session One out of Come and See, it says, "Our way of life requires a person to be a good, practicing Catholic. The Rule requires us to receive the sacraments regularly. If you would not be able to do so, it would be impossible for you to keep the Rule..."

I had to chuckle. A good practicing Catholic does receive the sacraments regularly; it's pretty much the definition of "good Catholic"!! You can't be one without receiving. Isn't it hilarious that it has to be spelled out?

Another thing is deciding where the SFO belongs in one's priorities... whether involvement in other groups makes it impossible to attend SFO meetings, or deciding to make the SFO first. Well, for me it's a no-brainer. I think I'll already have to sacrifice Catechism as my work schedule is not helpful, but serving as an EMHC for me is complementary.

Another quote from Come and See: "Secular Franciscans find ways and means of enriching their understanding and practice of the scriptural word." This is exactly why I'm heading into the fray, to gather more knowledge and make it practicable.

Here I come...

2005-09-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

Franciscan Meditations, Part III

I'm going to finish this and then post other session topics in the days to come. Later I may break this up and add more parts to the meditations, but for today I want to move on because I'm just so far behind.
~~~

Where there is darkness, light.
Who has lost hope? What can we do to bring new light to their lives?

Who? So many. They're some of the saddest people you will ever know. If you really look, they are the angry ones, the ones that lash out at people; they are the people who insult you even as they shake your hand; they are the ones whose life is work and work is life, for they have nothing and nobody, paying lip service to His message or simply refusing to open their eyes to the love of Christ.

To bring light is as simple as the Franciscan philosophy outlined in this quote (in various forms): "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words."

And where there is sadness, joy.
Are people looking for meaning in their lives? What can we do to make joy a reality for them?

Are people looking for meaning? Of course they are; why else are so many people miserable? The biggest problem is that they think *things* are the answer--which, of course, they are not and never have been. Emperors with floors of gold have been the most miserable people in history. For the everyday person, sometimes it's a shopping spree, sometimes it's gambling, sometimes it's boozing life away or packing their houses full of things that are never used.

The answer is easy if your heart is open: God's knocking. Are you listening?

Making joy a reality can be simple or complex. Sometimes it's as simple as saying hello; sending a card at random; inviting a friend that's blue out to lunch; feeding the hungry; volunteering at a senior center. One of the easiest is just flashing a sincere beaming smile at a total stranger for no reason at all. I learned that one day in a hazy memory, and you'd be surprised as to how the surprised look followed by a relieved smile makes a difference for you.

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

We all want validation, we are communal animals. But seeking consolation or approval all the time is, frankly, a drag. Listening to others is a great exercise and one can learn new things when someone else is unhappy.

To be understood as to understand;

Back to validation. It's just that it's not all about you.

To be loved as to love;

Tied in with validation; this time, it's personal. I didn't understand this until TJ came into my life. I wanted to be loved (as who does not?), but to have that love unconditionally offered is something I had never encountered before--no questions, no preconceptions, all-encompassing, immutable. And once I realized what was happening, it was so easy to offer it back. And it spills over, it's true.

For it is in giving that we receive;

"Let each one do just as he has purposed in his heart; not grudgingly or under compulsion; for God loves a cheerful giver." [2 Corinthians 9:7]

'Nuff said.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

"To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."
--G. K. Chesterton

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

This, of course, is the core of our faith--the True Faith--in Jesus Christ. It is His promise, before he ascended into heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father.

Death is nothing to be afraid of; yet it is not to be sought as it is in this culture of death we live in. But while nobody who has Faith really wishes to die, neither are we to flinch when we are called to our final rest, to not be afraid of judgement, to hope that the Father forgives in his immeasurable mercy, and to be reunited with those beloved ones who we have lost.

It is in this sure hope of resurrection that makes this life we live in so sweet.

~~
Quote:

"It is important to speak of suffering and death in a way that dispels fear. Indeed, dying is a part of life."
--Pope John Paul II in Austria: Message to the sick and suffering June 1998

2005-09-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

Franciscan Meditations, Part II

Hi folks... sorry about the long interval... so much going on doesn't leave time to blog.

Since I have my 3rd inquiry meeting this weekend, I'll continue on my meditations on the Prayer of St Francis.
~~~~

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Who are the hated "lepers' in our society? How do we sow love?

To answer the session questions (which is in reference to Francis' encounters with lepers), one of the first to come to mind is the homeless, the great invisibles. But who else might be considered lepers? I think of the obese; the ones the pretty people call "ugly;" those who don't play the political games; those who love the truth.

To sow love? Drop the blinders, get active. TJ is much better at this than me, as he is out at this moment doing outreach to homeless teens. After a few encounters with unpleasant disenfranchised while out in the Golden State gave me an aversion to any of them. I have to be better. Assault can do that to you, though.

Closer to home, I was talking to a professed member who said to me, "The hardest thing about being Franciscan is to love those who have insulted or hurt me. It's a constant struggle." It is especially hard when it is one of your own flesh and blood. See the next line.

Where there is injury, pardon.
How can we bring about reconciliation and healing to those who have been injured?

Dialog. Keep on that quiet tapping on the door. Sometimes, all one can do is try to convey such contrition. My sister said to me not a week ago that it's easy to call for forgiveness but it's dreadfully hard to continue to do so when one is constantly being insulted.

Forgive, lest ye be forgiven?

Again, it's easier said than done. I can forgive one who has hurt me, but it's much harder to forget, especially when it festers and is fed and heaped upon. Mom always said that "hate" is a word that should rarely than ever be used. Hate is a draining emotion, as is anger. To aspire to the serenity of Christ, who stayed calm in the midst of so much vitriol!

"Forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance." Mk 11:25

To forgive the grievous ill done to oneself is probably the hardest task of all.

Where there is doubt, faith.
Are the youth around us experiencing doubt? How can we share our faith, give them support, give them encouragement?

Answer to session question: Does anyone doubt that today's children are seeing incredibly mixed signals? Play nice, but daddy talks trash about mommy/grandpa/uncle/auntie. You musn't hit Jane, but the television shows all sorts of horrors. The golden rule is not about doing good unto others, but more about who has the gold. No wonder the kids are all screwed up. No wonder they doubt.

I know what it is like to be in a Catholic minority. Worse than many Protestant sects, the Mormons liken Catholics to the Anti-Christ. I learned early that it didn't pay to advertise, and this was 20, 25 years ago. I can see in my mind the four other Catholics in my grade and only one of them went to CCD with me, and we didn't get along much.

How different would it have been to have someone, an adult, tell me to hold my head up, to not be ashamed to be Catholic in those Mormon dominated days. It's only as an adult that I see that I could have used just one supporter! I didn't know any better, and too ashamed to say anything, without the concrete of the Baltimore Catechism behind me (singing "Kumbaya" and "If the devil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack!" It's not that Mom and Dad didn't raise me right, but schoolyard politics are something else. Then, in high school, my religious education had been dropped, and though I knew plenty of Catholics there, none were at my parish and again, no one to nudge me to say, 'hey! keep on track!'

Faith starts in the home. Mom instilled the foundation that sustains me today. Is your home a Catholic home? (Notice how I didn't say "Christian"--for we are the original Christians despite what some Papist-haters think). I have a crucifix by the door, adorned with tinder-dry palms. I remember back when I had the birthday party for TJ where a very very very Lutheran friend just stared at it, then looked at me. I just raised my eyebrows and thought... yeeeeesss? May I help you?

I'm watching a niece's doubt being fed when her mother says that they don't have time for her Catechism because said niece has school and sports and club athletics and all this globe-trotting. Excuse me? To me, they have their priorities wrong. The parents are teaching her that God and faith are low on the list, and I think that is very sad.

A nephew has never been to Mass, not that he could sit through it anyway. I need to nudge his mother as he's of age to have his First Communion. But no, Mom doesn't have time and Dad doesn't care one whit. The poor kid.

There's a quote by JPII: "As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live." How true, how sadly true. We have watched the destruction of the family unit by the society in which we live, and look where it's gotten us.

Quote of the Day:
"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

2005-09-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

De Colores!

Palanca and Prayers to my friend who is in Cursillo #731 at Mt Claret this weekend!

Mine rocked.

Wish one could do it again and again... :)

2005-09-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

Franciscan Meditations.

...

We were given a paper with the Prayer of St Francis this weekend, broken down, line by line. I thought it was a great idea for a series of postings and reflection.

Of course, the irony of it all is that it wasn't written by St Francis at all. See The Story Behind the Prayer of St Francis, straight from the Franciscans, so no arguments from the peanut gallery. Yet, I think we all know that this simple and beautiful prayer embodies the philosophy of Franciscan life, whether secular or ordained.

So, today I start with the thoughts on the first line of the prayer.
...

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
As a Franciscan Fraternity, how do we work to be instruments of peace for our society?

Oh, this is a hard one to start off with. Peace? Me? And why would the Lord want me to do such a thing?

Peace in the workplace. The corporate mindset, the corporate atmosphere is not a peaceful one. If one is in some kind of customer service, dealing with selfish people is not conducive to a peaceful state of mind. I used to get involved, I used to get into the alliances and the garbage talk as an element of survival. I used to hunt for a person or a few people I could vent to when the poo hit the breeze-making device.

I learned--the hard way--that it almost always backfired, no matter how justified my grievances were. Even in the temp job before this, even though I was totally, absolutely correct in my assessment of the person who was a peace-stealer, and even though I had spoken to the correct people about the issue, it didn't matter. The corporate politics won out.

I know what my problem is: I can't play the corporate game; I am not a corporate animal. So, slowly, painfully, I have learned to distance myself, to say non-committal things, to gently change the subject; therefore, in the stormy atmosphere, I create around me an island of serenity.

And the funny thing? I found that people were drawn to that more than the intrigue that I used to involve myself in.

Peace in the larger scene: local and global. I think this is my weakest spot. I'm more of an introvert, I like the parish activities: catechism, EMHC, SFO. It's not that I'm *not* needed within the parish, as a conversation with the catechism director proved this weekend. I don't think anything is wrong with that, because the Lord certainly knows that the smaller world of the local parish needs people, and I really do like that niche.

If I don't do it on my own, though, the St Clare Emerging Community will soon cure that, as we are seeking out a fraternity area of service. It hasn't been decided yet. But then I will be back in the arena I was in high school when I was a part of Interact--the things we did in the community. Gotta think about that one.

Peace in the family. It depends on the family. On both sides of my family there are histories of fractures in family unity--different catalysts, same results. Unfortunately, they have been distilled within my siblings and myself. It's a hard habit to break when the other sibs don't see that it's repeating itself. I had a long talk with a dear old monsignor about that, and the wise old man just shrugged in the end: "be the best daughter you can be," he said in his lovely Irish brogue. When an 80 year old monsignor has no solution to offer, you know it's bad ju-ju.

I have done my utmost to forgive the ill done to and wished upon me, but others just can't seem to let go. I have now learned that I have to distance myself from it.

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. I decided to revoke that permission and seek peace for myself instead of sacrificing it.

Peace in marriage. This is an area in which I am incredibly blessed. TJ and I are amazingly compatible, attuned to each other, totally on the same page. We talk about everything, withhold nothing, play no games, baring our hearts to each other.

It's really easy, and I don't see why people make marriage so hard. Maybe they just can't give of themselves enough--that's all it is, really, is giving. When both sides give, there's no thought of 'what am I getting out of this,' because the giving is the joy.

The peace and contentment in my marriage gives me strength to deal with everything else in my life.

Peace within oneself. Fr Albert Hoorman said in a homily last December, "If you have no peace, you can have no joy." I remember sitting there slackjawed throughout the rest of his homily, and my mind was blown. The light bulb had not only come on, but exploded in my head.

This is the heart of the entire matter! I realized that morning. If *I* am not at peace, then how can I be an *instrument* of that peace?

It is the starting point of my secular Franciscan journey.

~~~
To start on that road, I have started to jettison those very things that drag me down and rob me of that peace.

Things. People. Ideas. Items. Happenings. Memories.
Thoughts--oh, yes, all those negative thoughts.
Words, the expressions of those thoughts, have to clean up my mouth.
Events. Mindsets. Prejudices. Irritations. Ill will. Grudges.
Moody moods--oh, another one that crops up every Saturday morning, according to TJ. Impatience. Wants (as opposed to needs).

And on and on.

Then I need to build up the positive and good. That's the easy thing, I think.

2005-09-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

Father Evan is my personal favorite priest.*

Evan A. Howard, OFM, was the priest who married TJ and I. He's a lovely man who ad libbed the homily at our wedding Mass using my bouquet as the base of his talk. His rather dry sense of humor was always worthy of a chuckle, and his kindness and generosity is legendary. His retirement a couple of years ago remains heavy on the hearts of his former parishioners. He is so missed.

He has cropped up here lately in my life.

Well, not physically...

A friend who went on a pilgrimage said that Fr Evan had led it--oh, I was so jealous!

And then, attached to the SFO meeting minutes from yesterday's do was this beautiful gem by those who had gone to Santa Rosa:

Spiritual Role in the Church for Franciscans
Presented by Fr. Evan Howard, O.F.M.
Santa Rosa Mission Retreat
August 5, 2005

Fr. Evan broke down the Spiritual Role in the Church for Franciscans to the five “E”s.

1) Evangelical: Franciscans are to go tell the good news. They are to study the gospel, meditate on the gospel, provide spiritual direction, share with friends, go to formation and bring the gospel to the people.

2) Environmental: Care about the planet earth and all its people and creatures. Be peacemakers. An example of being peacemakers that he gave was how the Franciscans openly protested against nuclear weapons. Franciscans are also involved with the conservation of the Rain Forests, which he called the “Lungs of Mother Earth”. Franciscans are concerned with how the world should be sharing the ‘fruit’s of Mother Earth to eliminate water and food shortages around the world.

3) Ecumenical: Franciscans should make peace with other faiths. Show respect and offer friendship and respect to them. They offer retreats to non-Catholics and ecumenical charities.

4) Enthusiasm: Show enthusiasm by promoting prayer and the desire to share the word. Franciscans are very supportive of Music Ministry….it is one of the best ways to convert. Missions used music to convert natives. Appreciate faith through music and prayer groups.

5) Eucharist: Franciscans have total devotion to the Eucharist, to Adoration and to Holy Hours. They promote Perpetual Adoration, Daily Mass, and respecting and sharing the Eucharist.

They should have added a sixth E: Evan's Wisdom: how to live in this crummy secular world with God as your guide.

Health to you, dear Father Evan!

__________________________
* Wellll... I dunno. He's going to have to duke it out with Father Alonso de Blas. Heh... now that's a mental image that makes me giggle!

2005-09-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

9/4/2005 - Orientation.

S pointed out today that the cord that holds her Tau has three knots on it, three knots that are for the three points of Franciscanism: poverty, chastity, and obedience. Sounds like an ordained Friar, eh? So what does it have to do with being a Secular Franciscan?

Well, first, the definition of "secular," from Dictionary.com:

sec·u·lar (sek-ye-ler) adj.
1. Worldly rather than spiritual.
4. Not bound by monastic restrictions, especially not belonging to a religious order. Used of the clergy.
n.
A member of the secular clergy.
A layperson.

OK, that's pretty thorough--except that the SFO is a religious order. This will work, though.

Next, the definitions of poverty, chastity, and obedience, again from dictionary.com, truncated so that this post doesn't last a century.

Poverty, noun: "the state of having little or no money and few or no material possessions"

Chastity, noun: The condition or quality of being pure or chaste; or, virginity; or, virtuous character; or, celibacy.

Obedience, noun, second definition: A sphere of ecclesiastical authority, or, a group of people under such authority.

Put these under the proper perspective and it makes sense.

If you look at the New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia, it says the following under "Poverty": "Jesus Christ did not condemn the possession of worldly goods, or even of great wealth, for He himself had rich friends... [but] it is true that Christ constantly pointed out the danger of riches, which, He says, are the thorns that choke up the good seed of the word... now poverty has no intrinsic goodness, but is good only because it is useful to remove the obstacles which stand in the way of the pursuit of spiritual perfection," which of course, Franciscan spirituality pursues that perfection. Like I said in a previous post, it doesn't mean to sell everything--we're not heading into the Friary/Convent here. It's recognizing that things are just that--things--and be able to set them aside and give to those who need those things more.

To put it as The Rule on the NAFRA website puts it, "...Secular Franciscans seek a proper spirit of detachment from temporal goods by simplifying their own material needs. Let them be mindful that according to the gospel they are stewards of the goods received for the benefit of God's children. "

When it comes to Chastity, if you are a truly practicing Catholic, is not an issue. But for our Cafeteria Catholic friends and those who are of different faith, it is simply, again as described above, or, again referring to New Advent: "Chastity is the virtue which excludes or moderates the indulgence of the sexual appetite." It also applies to other bacchanalian self-indulgences and delectations, such as food and drink, which of course is hard when most Franciscan meetings revolve around food! But in all seriousness, in today's world, I think it's the virtue most Catholics shrug off, especially in our sexually charged society.

So what does chastity mean to a secular religious person? Obviously, if one is married, the sex issue is not the problem. If one is single, it's a matter of self-control--which is hard when sex is thrown into one's face from billboards and TV. Chastity also means tempering behaviors, such as drinking and eating and general self-indulgence. Think of it in terms of "constraint with reference to all acts that give rise to shame" (again thank New Advent under "chastity"). The so-called old fashioned virtues of chastity, modesty, generosity, kindness, et cetera, really weren't off-base. It's a shame that our society sniggers at the thought of virtues in general--it would be a kinder place.

Back to the subject at hand:

Obedience is probably pretty much as the definition above says, especially in the Church. The Secular Franciscan Order is recognized by Rome and is subject to Her command. New Advent refers to it--correctly in my humble opinion--as being yet another virtue. "It is the recognition of the authority of God vicariously exercised through a human agent that confers upon the act of obedience its special merit." Disobedience, the other half of this particular coin, didn't buy Adam much, nor Lucifer, nor anyone else who had blown off the rules of God. Obedience as Christ was obedient to His Father, or as his Blessed Mother was obedient--it's a tough concept to wrap a brain around in this world of independent thought and action.

Together--poverty, chastity, and obedience--are pretty much the antithesis of modern mores, are the heart of Catholicism, the baseline for secular orders, and are distilled in the religious life. Separately, one or two are probably manageable for the average Catholic; together they may well be near impossible without the dedication and persistence and God's grace.

~~

O Lord Jesus Christ, who, when the world was growing cold, did renew in the flesh of the most blessed Francis the sacred stigmata of Thy Passion, in order to inflame our hearts with the fire of Thy love, graciously grant unto us, that yoked to his merits and prayers we may bear the Cross, and bring forth fruits worthy of penance: You who live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, God forever and ever. Amen.

2005-09-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am a dolt.

I thought I had no blog to update.

I am a total loser.

Sorry, Blogger Support. I didn't mean to be such a dumbass.

2005-08-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

I love Orientation Periods. Don't you?

I don't think it matters whether it's a college class, a basket-weaving club, or looking into a secular order. There's always the first few meetings and the vague thought of 'oh my dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into? Who are these people and where on earth did they come from?'

There are always 'Los Sabelotodos' (know-it-alls to you gringos out there): the ones who have been there, done that, and are just so arrogant to boot. I had someone lecture me on the Latin Mass and how bad the Mass is now--then go to Mass at St Thomas if you don't like it! Hellooooo!! Part of the job description is to uphold the teachings of Vatican II. What part of that did they miss?

Then, The Timids: the ones who don't open their mouths at all, scared to death about whatever it is, not participating at all, scared of sounding stupid. I do wish they'd say something--it's terribly boring to have someone just sit there.

And the ones that really get my goat are The Clueless: the ones who think it's a club or something. No, the Secular Franciscans aren't a service organization--look into helping St Vincent de Paul if that is all that you want. No, we do not "worship" or "pray to" St Francis and St Clare.* Catholics do not worship saints, we venerate and try to emulate them. No, "poverty" in this case doesn't mean sell the house and car, farm out the cat and make sure your bank account is at zero; there's a reason why it's called "secular." It is more of a shedding of the material things in this world--understanding that physical items are just that--things--and seeing the world in a different light because it's no longer the focus of your everyday life.

By the second or third session of Orientation, you know who is all over it or who is going to bolt. I see three people already who are thinking, 'um, no...'
~~~

My own problem is that because of my previous exposure to Franciscans--ordained and secular--I'm champing at the bit really hard to move forward. Yes, I know what the Tau is. I understand the significance of the San Damiano cross--I'm wearing one as I type, that's how much I love it and it's symbolism. Yes, I have some inkling of what is expected from a potential candidate--I looked it up before I walked in the door. I'm a person who does research when I get into something.

I'm scared of being a know-it-all but I don't want to sit there and give chapter and verse on Franciscan basics. It's that fine line between being prepared and getting arrogant because I know many of the answers right now, on the basic things, at least.
~~

"Francis, repair my Church," said Christ from the Byzantine-influenced icon to Il Poverello. Kneeling in the ruins of the San Damiano parish building, Francis thought it was about gathering stones and fixing the damage. Only later did Francis realize that Christ didn't mean the literal building: not church with a little 'c', but Church, big 'c.' THE Church. Of course, Christ meant the corruption and disunion and the abuses within the Holy Mother Church, and for Francis to go and proselytize and remind everyone what the Church was really all about.

Sad, isn't it, that Christ is probably looking for a modern Francis to bring the Church back to Her former glory? I wonder if Christ has said to Papa Ratzi "Joseph, repair my Church," and if anyone is up to that task.

And it's also our task--Franciscan or not--to repair His Church--because healing starts from within.

______________________________
* I could NOT believe I heard someone say that in one session. Blew my mind. I thought: You did say you were Roman Catholic... right? Really? And you think that we worship saints? Um, are you sure you're Catholic??

2005-08-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Introductions and the Rest of the Story

I am Lisa Noonan; for the other part of my life, see http://www.livejournal.com/~bluepooey/ - that's the outside part of my life.

This blog is to cover the internal and spiritual.

Wandering through cyberspace, I have found several Franciscan spirituality websites, and a couple of blogs--the most prominent being "A Secular Franciscan Life," but I believe Randy is already professed. It's hard for me to tell.

I have yet to find one that details anyone going into the stages of profession. If you find any, let me know. Must band together...
~~~~

Before I begin, let me assert that I am a cradle Catholic. I never really left. I remember CCD (remember that, some of you?) as a bunch of coloring-books and kumbaya bull-caca--no disrespect to Sisters Mary Valeria and Virginia Marie (both B.V.M), nor to the catechists whose names I don't remember. Anyway, I had a tearful first confession, an unremarkable First Communion, and then after that, my religious education eventually faded away because of family stuff.

I never really went *away* from the Church--I attended Mass sporadically, usually with my mother. When my sister was dying I would to our parish and just kneel and pray, especially when we learned it was terminal. I had spoken to Sister Janice Guenther, who had been there for my sister, and had thought about "returning" to the Church then, getting Confirmed, but it never really gelled at that time. Then I was back and forth to California for the next several years, and that pull faded.

Fast forward:

My current leg of spiritual journey began back around the summer of 1996. It was a hellacious year for me, especially professionally. I was, at that time, in the fire service, and the political atmosphere was becoming untenable for me. I was at a juncture where everything around me had spiritual poverty: lies, cheats, backstabbing: when a certain chief officer lied to my face, it was the beginning of the end. That was my impetus for my return, not only to Arizona but to the Holy Mother Church. I just didn't quite realize it.

My last two years in the fire service were a living hell. I spent a lot of time at the parish of Sts Peter and Paul in the foothills of Rancho Cucamonga; the pastor there was a gregarious man, humorous and loved. I never got to know him, but I did enjoy him, and he and the parish at large was a balm to my battered pride and low spirits.

It was there that I promised God that when I returned--not if, when--I would come back to His Church all the way. I had no timeframe in mind, just... I just promised Him from the bottom of my heart.

I hadn't planned on leaving--it just happened. At the end of 1997 I didn't say 'hey guys, I'm leaving.' No. I just went home to my parents' house for the winter. I didn't know what I was doing. I just needed time away from the cesspit of iniquity. When I got a job with decent pay and OK benefits, I just stayed home. Finally, around April of 1998, the office called and I told them I wasn't coming back. Interestingly enough, there was no protest, nothing.

I got the message.

At about this time, I started attending Mass sporadically at Our Lady of Mount Carmel, the parish that I grew up in. The first thing I noticed was that they had gotten rid of that ghastly huge plastic crucifix that had hung from the ceiling from when Fr McCready put it there when the parish was built. Sorry, no disrespect to the dead intended, but that thing was horrific. Even as a kid I never liked it.

And I never warmed to the parish as an adult. Don't know why. It's not really a very pretty parish, but I'd seen worse: I think of the orange carpet and pew cushions at Sts Peter and Paul, and the ugly blue carpet at OLMC was beatific.

At about this same time, I met the love of my life; the whole story is for another, reflective, post. It's important to this narrative because what were the chances that I would meet a guy who had wanted to convert for years? He--TJ--was the catalyst for where I am today.

So we went to Old Parish (we recently switched to New Parish), and we went through RCIA together. We were also married at Old Parish by a lovely old priest who has since retired. It was also at this parish--henceforth known as OP--that I met "Tio Pedro", who would become my Cursillo sponsor. Also I met several people from the SFO here--so many lovely people.

[I'll let you head back to the LJ blog to pick up some of the politicky crap here that necessitated our move to New Parish (henceforth known as NP)].

So, once married, I threw myself into serving at Mass, participating at the RCIA team meetings, and singing in the choir. With OP being small, it was a matter of time before the cliques and crap caught up with me, especially as involved as I was. My fault, too: I wasn't paying attention and it caught up with me.

Yet, I found a closer relationship with God despite it all.

And since OP is a Franciscan parish, a parish that had drawn me since I was about 11, I felt that tug I had felt since my mother had brought me there. It also gave me an excellent foundation for the path I'm on today.

~~

New Parish has a brand new "emerging community," the step before becoming a Fraternity (see: http://www.nafra-sfo.org/); it is named in honor of St Clare.

There are no coincidences.

I had, on several occasions, planned on talking to B, the coordinator of the St Francis Fraternity here. Always, for one reason or another, it never happened. Then, by a stroke of fate, in the NP bulletin, there it was: if one was interested, the St Clare Emerging Community was opening its arms for Inquirers.

Oh, yeah. I was SO there.

Stay tuned.